Two old ladies are outside their nursing home, having a drink and a
> >> smoke,
> >> when it starts to rain. One of the old ladies pulls out a condom, cuts
> >> off
> >> the end, puts it over her cigarette, and continues smoking.
> >>
> >> Maude: What in the hell is that?
> >>
> >> Mabel: A condom. This way my cigarette doesn't get wet.
> >>
> >> Maude: Where did you get it?
> >>
> >> Mabel: You can get them at any drugstore.
> >>
> >> The next day, Maude hobbles herself into the local drugstore and
> >> announces
> >> to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms.
> >>
> >> The pharmacist, obviously embarrassed, looks at her kind of strangely
> >> (she
> >> is after all, over 80 years of age), but very delicately asks what brand
> >> of
> >> condom she prefers.
> >>
> >> "Doesn't matter Sonny, as long as it fits on a Camel."
> >>
> >> The pharmacist fainted.
> >>
> >>
>

Colonoscopies: A physician claimed that the following are actual comments
made by his patients (predominately male) while he was performing their
colonoscopies:

1. "Take it easy, Doc. You're boldly going where no man has gone before!"
2. "Find Amelia Earhart yet?"
3. "Can you hear me NOW?"
4. "Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?"
5. "You know, in Arkansas, we're now legally married."
6. "Any sign of the trapped miners, Chief?"
7. "You put your left hand in, you take your left hand out..."
8. "Hey! Now I know how a Muppet feels!"
9. "If your hand doesn't fit, you must quit!"
10. "Hey Doc, let me know if you find my dignity."
11. "You used to be an executive at Enron, didn't you?"
12. "God, Now I know why I am not gay."
And the best one of them all...


13. "Could you write a note for my wife saying that my head is not up
there."

I have to add that I have always been of the opinion that the FORD PROBE was built for protocologists....

Memorial Day

Happy Memorial Day....and a BIG THANK YOU to all of the veteran's who make it possible.

I can't imagine what the U.S. would be without your dedication.

Enjoy your day, and be proud!

BBQ Season

From my TV exercise Co hort, a great one:

Barbecue Season Is Coming:
>
>
>
> After the long months of cold and winter, we will soon be coming up
to summer, and BBQ season. Therefore it is important to refresh your memory
on the etiquette of this sublime outdoor cooking, as it's the only type of
cooking a real man will do; probably because there is an element of danger
involved. When a man volunteers to do the BBQ the following chain of events
are put into motion:
>
>
>
> Routine...
> 1) The woman buys the food.
> 2) The woman makes the salad, prepares the vegetables, and makes
dessert.
> 3) The woman prepares the meat for cooking, places it on a tray
along with the necessary cooking utensils and sauces, and takes it to the
man who is lounging beside the grill - beer in hand.
>
>
>
> Here comes the important part:
> 4) THE MAN PLACES THE MEAT ON THE GRILL.
>
>
>
> More routine....
> 5) The woman goes inside to organize the plates and cutlery.
> 6) The woman comes out to tell the man that the meat is burning. He
thanks her and asks if she will bring another beer while he deals with the
situation.
>
>
>
> Another important part:
> 7) THE MAN TAKES THE MEAT OFF THE GRILL AND HANDS IT TO THE WOMAN.
>
>
>
> More routine....
> 8) The woman prepares the plates, salad, bread, utensils, napkins,
and sauces and brings them to the table.
> 9) After eating, the woman clears the table and does the dishes.
>
>
>
> And most important of all:
> 10) Everyone PRAISES the MAN and THANKS HIM for his cooking efforts.
> 11) The man asks the woman how she enjoyed "her night off." Upon
seeing her annoyed reaction, he concludes that there's just no pleasing some
women....

Buddha says:

Buddha says:

Learn to let go, that is the key to happiness.

Tramps Riverbank Blog to the rescue

From Tramps Riverbank: nice to know you can count on friends to send you interesting reads for your own blog- stop by and read his....www.trampsriverbank.blogspot.com





With the market in the turmoil that it is, these mergers may
not be too far fetched...

1. XEROX and WURLITZER
(They're going to make reproductive organs)

2. FAIRCHILD ELECTRONICS and HONEYWELL COMPUTERS
(The new company will be called Fairwell Honeychild)

3. POLYGRAM RECORDS, WARNER BROTHERS and KEEBLER
(The new company will be called Poly-Warner-Cracker)

4. W.R.GRACE CO., FULLER BRUSH CO., MARY KAY COSMETICS, and
HALE BUSINESS SYSTEMS
(The company will be called Hale, Mary, Fuller, Grace)

5. 3M and GOODYEAR
(MMM Good)

6. JOHN DEERE and ABITIBI-PRICE
(Deere Abi)

7. HONEYWELL, IMASCO and HOME OIL
(Honey, I'm Home)

8. DENISON MINES, ALLIANCE and METAL MINING
(Mine All Mine)

9. 3M, JC PENNEY and THE METROPOLITAN OPERA COMPANY
(3 Penney Opera)

10. GREY POUPON and DOCKERS PANTS
(Poupon Pants)

11. KNOTT'S BERRY FARM and THE NATIONAL ORGANIZATION FOR
WOMEN
(The new company will be called Knott Now)

12. ZIPPO MANUFACTURING, AUDI, DOFASCO and DAKOTA MINING
(The new company will be called Zip Audi Do-Da)

13. NETSCAPE and YAHOO
(Net n'Yahoo - the Israeli branch)

Neologism Contest

Again, email sent to me from a friend:

Once again, The Washington Post has published the winning submissions to its yearly Neologism Contest, in which readers are asked to supply alternate meanings for common words. This year's winners are:
1. Coffee (n), the person upon whom one coughs.
2. Flabbergasted (adj.), appalled over how much weight you have gained.
3. Abdicate (v.), to give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.
4. Esplanade (v.), to attempt an explanation while drunk.
5. Willy-nilly (adj.), impotent.
6. Negligent (adj), describes a condition in which you absentmindedly answer the door in your nightgown.
7. Lymph (v.), to walk with a lisp.
8. Gargoyle (n.), olive-flavored mouthwash.
9. Flatulence (n.) emergency vehicle that picks you up after you are run over by a steamroller.
10. Balderdash (n.), a rapidly receding hairline.
11. Testicle (n.), a humorous question on an exam.
12. Rectitude (n.), the formal, dignified bearing adopted by proctologists.
13. Pokemon (n), a Rastafarian proctologist.
14. Oyster (n.), a person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddisisms.
15. Frisbeetarianism (n.), The belief that, when you die, your soul flies up onto the roof and gets stuck there.
16. Circumvent (n.), an opening in the front of boxer shorts worn by Jewish men

In Pharmacology, all drugs have two names, a trade name and generic name. For example, the trade name of Tylenol also has a generic name of Acetaminophen. Aleve is also called Naproxen. Amoxil is also call Amoxicillin and Advil is also called Ibuprofen.


The FDA has been looking for a generic name for Viagra. After careful consideration by a team of government experts, it recently announced that it has settled on the generic name of Mycoxafloppin. Also considered were Mycoxafailin, Mydixadrupin, Mydixarizin, Dixafix, and of course, Ibepokin.
Pfizer Corp. announced today that Viagra will soon be available in liquid form, and will be marketed by Pepsi Cola as a power beverage suitable for use as a mixer. It will now be possible for a man to literally pour himself a stiff one.
Obviously we can no longer call this a soft drink, and it gives new meaning to the names of "cocktails", "highballs" and just a good old-fashioned "stiff drink".

Pepsi will market the new concoction by the name of: MOUNT & DO.

Subject: Living Will


While watching the basketball game on TV last night, my wife and I were discussing life and death. I told her, "Just so you know, I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids froma bottle. If that ever happens, just pull the plug." She promptly got up, unplugged the TV, and threw out all my beer. Some days I hate being married to a smart-ass.

Monica Lewinsky

Subject: Special Birthday Today

Can you believe it? Monica Lewinsky turned 31 this week. It seems like only yesterday she was crawling around the White House on her hands and knees.

They grow up so fast!!

Hectic weekend

Hectic weekend ....lots of activity, both kids finishing up soccer games, daughter also in her gymnastics recital.....rain,rain,rain, did I mention it has been raining?

Taping another segment on the tv= this time I make an ass out of myself with Pilates.....( I hope not literally- some of those poses bring me pause....) ever see Jane Fonda do those stupid 'hydrant dog lifts' for the thighs? I think someone made those up to make her look totally stupid- as if she needed help.

This week we start 'travel team tryouts'.....what the hell? No wonder there are no kids left to play in the neighborhood......parents are liviing there lives through the younger generation.



Oh well, in golf course news, things are very well. keep my fingers crossed I can keep my mouth shut in front of the important people. I am not opinionated, I just feel strongly that everyone wants to know what I am thinking.!!!!



okay- heading for my Chardonnnay....Tramp hasn't sent me any of his home brew.

Names and Occupations ( Aptronyms)

This was on MSN.COM front page today- love the connection between name and occupation!

Rosalind G. Brewer was appointed in March to the board of directors of Molson Coors Brewing Company. Molson Coors issued a press release.
Wouldn't you?
Ravi Tailor is master cutter and managing director of Anthony J. Hewitt, bespoke tailors and shirtmakers of Savile Row, London.

Roger Printup is registrar at Stanford University.

Dr. William J. Whitehead is a dermatologist in Germantown, Tenn.

Updated Aptronym Yellow Pages:
AcupunctureDr. Aena Han Payne (University of Mississippi)
Anger ManagementDr. Richard Madden (Hudson, N.Y.)
AstronomersAlan Heavens (University of Edinburgh)
AutomotiveFred Karr, drivers-ed instructor (Ann Arbor, Mich.)
Wayne Schmuck, used-car distributor convicted of fraud for resetting odometers (Wisconsin).
Cabinet SecretariesMargaret Spellings (Secretary of Education)
ClergyJaime Lachica Cardinal Sin (former archbishop of Manila)
ClimatologistsElizabeth Weatherhead (Boulder, Colo.)
DermatologistsRoger Whitehead (Germantown, Pa.)
Dentists/OrthodontistsNgoc Quang Chu, DDS (Bethesda, Md.)
Dr. Ravi Doctor (Arlington, Va. A dentist so nice you call him "doctor" twice!)
Dalbert Fear, Jr., DDS (Ann Arbor, Mich.)
Ken Hurt, DDS (Albuquerque, N.M.)
Kenneth Krowne, DDS (Brookline, Mass.)Les Plack, DDS (San Francisco, Calif.)
Anthony J. Puller, DDS (Richmond, Va.)
Randall Toothaker, DDS (University of Nebraska Medical Center)
Barth, Lacy, and Craig Toothman (Columbus, Ohio)
EconomistsDavid Dollar (economist at the World Bank)
ElectriciansJoe Shockey (Seven Hills, Ohio)
Food CriticsJamie Maw (Vancouver magazine)
Football PlayersBrian Baldinger (former defensive lineman, Dallas Cowboys, Indianapolis Colts*, and Philadelphia Eagles)
Joey Goodspeed (former running back, St. Louis Rams)
Quentin Jammer (cornerback for the San Diego Chargers)
Willie Thrower (first black quarterback in the NFL)
Garment IndustryRavi Tailor, master cutter and managing director of Anthony J. Hewitt, bespoke tailors and shirtmakers of Saville Row (London).
GastroenterologistsDr. Angel Colon* (Washington, D.C.)
GynecologistsDr. Bonnie Beaver (West Hills, Calif.)
Dr. Harry Beaver, retired (Fairfax, Va.)
Sheldon H. Cherry (New York, N.Y.)
Dr. Hyman Meltzer, deceased (Chicago)
LaywersJeffrey M. Advokat, (Morristown, N.J.)
Sue Yoo (Sullivan & Cromwell, New York, N.Y.)
Leadership ExpertJack Christ (Ripon College, Ripon, Wis.)
LiquorRosalind G. Brewer, board member, Molson Coors Brewing Co.
LobbyistsLeon BillingsRobert Cashdollar
NanotechnologyRichard Superfine (University of North Carolina, Chapel Hill)
Novelists/EssayistsFrancine Prose (New York, N.Y.)
Office Supplies and EquipmentDean Boring, president, Boring Office Supplies (Lakeland, Fla.)
OpthalmologistsDr. Kevin Blinder (Washington University)
OrnithologistsDavid Bird (director, Avian Science and Conservation Center, McGill University, Canada)
Performing ArtsSarah Slipper (former dancer with the Royal Winnipeg Ballet)
PodiatristsDr. Allen Korn (Washington, D.C.)
Poker ChampionsChris Moneymaker (Spring Hill, Tenn.)
PoliceJohn Lawless (Haverstraw, N.Y.)
Psychologists/PsychiatristsDr. Jules Angst (emeritus professor of psychiatry, University of Zurich) Ellen Winner (author of Gifted Children: Myths and Realities; professor of psychology at Boston College)Roberta L. Nutt, Ph.D. (director, Counseling Psychology Doctoral Program, Texas Women's University)William Dement, M.D. (professor of psychiatry and behavioral science at Stanford)
Race-car DriversScott GoodyearScott Speed
Rapists, ConvictedRobert Raper (Boston, Mass.)
RealtorsAnn Greathouse (Pittsburgh, Pa.)Cynthia Houser (Silver Spring, Md.)
RegulatorsCharles H. Bronson (oversees Florida's "concealed carry" program allowing ordinary citizens to pack heat)
Religion, Professors ofTerry Godlove (Hofstra University)
Risk ManagementJohn C. Chicken (author, The Philosophy of Risk)
Sexual Misconduct ResearcherCharol Shakeshaft
SpokespersonsAm Rong (Khmer Rouge spokesman, Cambodia)
Tony Snow (Washington, D.C.)
Larry Speakes (Reagan White House flak)
TextilesLaura Knott-Twine, (founder, Windham Textile and History Museum in Windham, Conn., known as "Thread City.")
University AdministrationRoger Printup, registrar (Stanford University)
UrologistsDr. Richard ("Dick") Chopp (Austin, Texas)
Dr. Dennis Peters (Pensacola, Fla.)
Dr. Alexander Philpott (Wheat Ridge, Colo.)
Dr. Keith Waterhouse, retired (New York, N.Y.)
*updated; previously listed for Anapolis, Md.
Timothy Noah is a senior writer at Slate.

Shortest political Quiz

You'll be asked just 10 questions, and then it instantly tells you where you stand politically.
It shows your position as a red dot on a "political map" so you'll see exactly where you score.

The most interesting thing about the Quiz is that it goes beyond the Democrat, Republican, and Independent.

The Quiz has gotten a lot of praise. The Washington Post said it has "gained respect as a valid measure of a person's political leanings."
The Fraser Institute said it's "a fast, fun, and accurate assessment of a person's overall political views." Suite University said it is the "most concise and accurate political quiz out there."


http://www.theadvocates.org/quiz.html.

Men don't think like this~ do they?

Joe and Bill are out fishing and sipping beer while discussing important things like football and Nascar.

All of a sudden Joe says "I think I'm gonna divorce my wife - she hasn't spoken to me in over 6 months."


Bill sips his beer and says "You better think it over - - women like that are hard to find."

>> BUENOS DIAS AMIGOS!!
> >>
> >> JOU HAB YUST RECEIVED A MEHICAN BIRUS!!!!! SINCE WE NOT SO
> >> TECNOLOHICALLY ADBANCED IN MEHICO, DIS IS A "MANUAL" BIRUS. PLEASE
> >> DELETE ALL THE FILES ON JOUR HARD DRIVE JOURSELF AND SEND THIS
> >> E-MAILTO EBERYONE JOU KNOW. TAN JOU POR YELPING ME.
> >>
> >> JULIO MANUEL JOSE CARLOS ARMANDO RODIRGUEZ LOPEZ MARTINEZ Y GARCIA,
> >>
> >> MEXICAN HACKER

Subject: 3 nuns


Three Italian nuns die and go to heaven.

At the Pearly Gates, they are met by St. Peter. He says, "Sisters, you all led such exemplary lives that the Lord is granting you six months to go back to earth and be anyone you wish to be .

The first nun says, "I want to be Sophia Loren;" and *poof* she's gone.
The second says, "I want to be Madonna and *poof* she's gone.
The third says, "I want to be Sara Pipalini.."
St. Peter looks perplexed. "Who?" he ask

"Sara Pipalini;" replies the nun.

St. Peter shakes his head and says, "I'm sorry, but that name just doesn't ring a bell."
The nun then takes a newspaper out of her habit and hands it to St. Peter.

St. Peter reads the paper and starts laughing. He hands it back to her and says......
"No sister, the paper says it was the 'Sahara Pipeline' that was laid by 1,400 men in 6 months."

From my Aunt who used to let me stay the summer with her.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------- Answers given by 2nd graders to the following questions
Why did God make mothers?
1. She's the only one who knows where the scotch tape is.
2. Mostly to clean the house.
3. To help us out of there when we were getting born.
How did God make mothers?
1. He used dirt, just like for the rest of us.
2. Magic plus super powers and a lot of stirring
3. God made my Mom just the same like he made me. He just used bigger parts.

What ingredients are mothers made of?
1. God makes mothers out of clouds and angel hair and everything nice inthe world and one dab of mean.
2. They had to get their start from men's bones. Then they mostly use string, I think.
Why did God give you Your mother & not some other mom?
1. We're related
2. God knew she likes me a lot more than other people's moms like me.
What kind of little girl was your mom?
1. My mom has always been my mom and none of that other stuff.
2. I don't know because I wasn't there, but my guess would be pretty bossy.
3. They say she used to be nice.
What did mom need to know about dad before she married him?
1. His last name.
2. She had to know his background. Like is he a crook? Does he get drunkon beer?
3. Does he make at least $800 a year? Did he say NO to drugs and YES tochores?
Why did your mom marry your dad?
1. My dad makes the best spaghetti in the world. And my Mom eats a lot.
2. She got too old to do anything else with him.
3. My grandma says that Mom didn't have her thinking cap on.
Who's the boss at your house?
1. Mom doesn't want to be boss, but she has to because dad's such a goofball.
2. Mom. You can tell by room inspection. She sees the stuff under the bed.
3. I guess Mom is, but only because she has a lot more to do than dad.
What's the difference between moms & dads?
1. Moms work at work and work at home & dads just go to work at work.
2. Moms know how to talk to teachers without scaring them.
3. Dads are taller & stronger, but moms have all the real power 'cause that's who you got to ask if you want to sleep over at your friend's.
4. Moms have magic, they make you feel better without medicine.
What does your mom do in her spare time?
1. Mothers don't do spare time.
2. To hear her tell it, she pays bills all day long.
What would it take to make your mom perfec t?
1. On the inside she's already perfect. Outside, I think some kind of plastic surgery.
2. Diet. You know, her hair. I'd diet, maybe blue.
If you could change one thing about your Mom, what would it be?
1. She has this weird thing about me keeping my room clean. I'd get rid ofthat.
2. I'd make my Mom smarter. Then she would know it was my sister who did itand not me.
3. I would like for her to get rid of those invisible eyes on the back of her head.


----------------------------------------------------------------------------

Something I need to remember at work.

I was at the golf store comparing different kinds of golf balls. I was unhappy with the women's type I had been using. After browsing for several minutes, I was approached by one of the good-looking gentlemen who works at the store. He asked if he could help me. Without thinking, I looked at him and said, "I think I like playing with men's balls."

Thanks to Tramps Riverbank

My friend at Tramps Riverbank shared this with me when he knew I was sharing posts of mother's this week. Many thanks to him for sharing, and I acknowledge that he is a really great person, whose mother must have spent time with him.

MOTHER:

This is a truly BEAUTIFUL piece. Please read this at a slow pace, digesting every word and in leisure...do not hurry....this is a treasure...For those lucky to still be blessed with your Mom,this is beautiful. For those of us who aren't, this is even more beautiful. For those who are moms, you'll love this.


The young mother set her foot on the path of life. "Is this the long way?" she asked. And the guide said: "Yes, and the way is hard. And you will be old before you reach the end of it. But the end will be better than the beginning."
But the young mother was happy, and she would not believe that anything could be better than these years. So she played with her children, and gathered flowers for them along the way, and bathed them in the clear streams; and the sun shone on them, and the young Mother cried,"Nothing will ever be lovelier than this."
Then the night came, and the storm, and the path was dark, and the children shook with fear and cold, and the mother drew them close and covered them with her mantle, and the children said, "Mother, we are not afraid, for you are near, and no harm can come."
And the morning came, and there was a hill ahead, and the children climbed and grew weary, and the mother was weary.But at all times she said to the children," A little patience and we are there."So the children climbed, and when they reached the top they said, "Mother, we would not have done it without you."
And the mother, when she lay down at night looked up at the stars and said, "This is a better day than the last, for my children have learned fortitude in the face of hardness. Yesterday I gave them courage. Today, I 've given them strength."
And the next day came strange clouds which darkened the earth, clouds of war and hate and evil, and the children groped and stumbled, and the mother said: "Look up. Lift your eyes to the light. " And the children looked and saw above the clouds an everlasting glory, and it guided them beyond the darkness. And that night the Mother said, "This is the best day of all, forI have shown my children God."
And the days went on, and the weeks and the months and the years, and the mother grew old and she was little and bent.But her children were tall and strong, and walked with courage. And when the way was rough, they lifted her,for she was as light as a feather; and at last they came to a hill,and beyond they could see a shining road and golden gates flung wide. And mother said, "I have reached the end of my journey. And now I know the end is better than the beginning, for my children can walk alone, and their children after them."
And the children said, "You will always walk with us,Mother, even when you have gone through the gates."And they stood and watched her as she went on alone, and the gates closed after her. And they said: "We cannot see her but she is with us still. A Mother like ours is more than a memory. She is a living presence......."
Your Mother is always with you.... She's the whisper of the leaves as you walk down the street; she's the smell of bleach in your freshly laundered socks; she's the cool hand on your brow when you're not well. Your Mother lives inside your laughter. And she's crystallized in every tear drop. She's the place you came from, your first home; and she's the map you follow with every step you take. She's your first loveand your first heartbreak, and nothing on earth can separate you. Not time, not space... not even death!


PASS THIS ON TO ALL THE MOTHERS & CHILDREN YOU KNOW.MAY WE NEVER TAKE OUR MOTHERS FOR GRANTED...Pass it on to the men too because they have mothers too....
Home is where your story begins

for grandparents and kids

After putting her grandchildren to bed, a grandmother changed into old slacks and a droopy blouse and proceeded to wash her hair. As she heard the children getting more and more rambunctious, her patience grew thin. At last she threw a towel around her head and stormed into their room, putting them back to bed with stern warnings. As she left the room, she heard the three-year-old say with a trembling voice, "Who was THAT?"------------------------------------------------------------------
A grandmother was telling her little granddaughter what her own childhood was like: "We used to skate outside on a pond. I had a swing made from a tire; it hung from a tree in our front yard. We rode our pony. We picked wild raspberries in the woods." The little girl was wide-eyed, taking this in.At last she said, "I sure wish I'd gotten to know you sooner!"
------------------------------------------------------------------My grandson was visiting one day when he asked, "Grandma, do you know how you and God are alike?"I mentally polished my halo while I asked,"No, how are we alike?"You're both old," he replied.
------------------------------------------------------------------
A little 4 yr. old girl was diligently pounding away on her grandfather's word processor. She told him she was writing a story. "What's it about?" he asked. "I don't know," she replied. "I can't read."------------------------------------------------------------------
I didn't know if my granddaughter had learned her colors yet, so I decided to test her. I would point out something and ask what color it was. She would tell me, and always she was correct. But it was fun for me, so I continued.
At last she headed for the door, saying sagely,
"Grandma, I think you should try to figure out some of these yourself!"
------------------------------------------------------------------A Sunday school class was studying the Ten Commandments. They were ready to discuss the last one. The teacher asked if anyone could tell her what it was.Susie raised her hand, stood tall, and quoted, "Thou shall not take the covers off thy neighbor's wife,"
------------------------------------------------------------------Our five-year-old grandson couldn't wait to tell his grandfather about the movie we had watched on television, "20,000 Leagues Under the Sea." The scenes with the submarine and the giant octopus had kept him wide-eyed. In the middle of the telling, my husband interrupted, "Mark! "What caused the submarine to sink?"With a look of incredulity Mark replied, "Grampa, it was the 20,000 leaks!!"------------------------------------------------------------------
When my grandson, Billy, and I entered our vacation cabin, we kept the lights off until we were inside to keep from attracting pesky insects. Still, a few fire flies followed us in. Noticing them before I did,Billy whispered, "It's no use, Grandpa. The mosquitoes are coming after us with flashlights."

------------------------------------------------------------------When my grandson asked me how old I was, I teasingly replied, I'm not sure." "Look in your underwear, Grandma," he advised."Mine says I'm four to six."
------------------------------------------------------------------
A second grader came home from school and said to her grandmother, "Grandma, guess what? We learned how to make babies today." The grandmother, more than a little surprised, tried to keep her cool. "That's interesting," she said, "How do you make babies?" "It's simple," replied the girl. "You just change "y" to "i" and add 'es'"(What English Teacher wouldn't love that one?)----------------------------------------------------------------

Children's Logic: "Give me a sentence about a public servant," said a teacher. The small boy wrote: "The Fireman came down the ladder pregnant." The teacher took the lad aside to correct him. "Don't you know what pregnant means?" she asked."Sure," said the young boy confidently. "It means carrying a child."------------------------------------------------------------------

A nursery school teacher was delivering a station wagon full of kids home one day when a fire truck zoomed past. Sitting in the front seat of the fire truck was a Dalmatian dog. The children started discussing the dog's duties. "They use him to keep crowds back," said one youngster. "No, said another, "he's just for good luck." A third child brought the argument to a close."They use the dogs", she said firmly, "to find the fire hydrant."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
My three year old walked into the kitchen and announced she'd figured it out: "When I get older and have babies, you'll be their grandmother." I was impressed with her deductive reasoning until she went on with a glint in her eye:
"...that is if you live long enough."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Mommy Test I was out walking with my 4 year old Daughter. She picked up something off the ground and started to put it in her mouth. I took the item away from her and I asked her not to do that. "Why?" my Daughter asked. "Because it's been laying outside, you don't know where it's been, it's dirty and probably has germs" I replied. At this point, my Daughter looked at me with total admiration and asked, "Wow! How do you know all this stuff?" "Uh," I was thinking quickly, "All Moms know this stuff. It's on the Mommy Test. You have to know it, or they don't let you be a Mommy." We walked along in silence for 2 or 3 minutes, but she was evidently pondering this new information. "Oh...I get it!" she beamed, "So if you don't pass the Test you have to be the Daddy""Exactly!"

I replied back with a big smile on my face and joyin my heart. When you're finished laughing, send this to a Grandparent

True Dog Story

A blind man was flying from Seattle to San Francisco. The plane had a layoverin Sacramento. The flight attendant explained that there would be a delay, and if the passengers wanted to get off the aircraft, the plane would re-board in one hour. Everybody got off the plane except one gentleman who was blind. Another man had noticed him as he walked by and could tell the gentleman was blind because his Seeing Eye dog lay quietly underneath the seatsin front of him throughout the entire flight. He could also tell he had flown this very flight before because the pilot approached him, and calling him by name, said, "Keith, we're in Sacramento for an hour,would you like to get off and stretch your legs?"The blind man replied, "No thanks, but maybe my dog would like to stretch his legs."Picture this: All the people in the gate area came to a complete standstill when they looked up and saw the pilot walk off the plane with a Seeing Eye dog! The pilot was even wearing sunglasses. People scattered. They not only tried to change planes, but they were trying to change airlines!

Have a great day and remember.... Things aren't always as they appear.

another Mother day tribute

This week I will post a lot about Mothers....take the time to think of yours this weekend....good or bad....she is why you are here....( not taking anything away from Dad's...)




>>
>> This is for the mothers...
>> Who have sat up all night with sick toddlers
>> In their arms, wiping up barf laced
>> With Oscar Mayer wieners
>> And cherry Kool-Aid saying,
>>
>> "It's okay honey, Mommy's here."
>>
>> This is for the mothers...
>> Who have sat in rocking chairs
>> For hours on end soothing crying babies
>> Who can't be comforted.
>>
>> This is for all the mothers...
>> Who show up at work with spit-up
>> In their hair and milk stains
>> On their blouses and diapers in their purse.
>>
>> This is for all the mothers...
>> Who run carpools and make cookies
>> And sew Halloween costumes.
>>
>> And all the mothers who DON'T.
>>
>> This is for all the mothers...
>> Who gave birth to babies
>> They'll never see.
>> And the mothers who took those
>> Babies and gave them homes.
>>
>> This is for all the mothers...
>> Whose priceless art collections are hanging?
>> On their refrigerator doors.
>>
>> This is for all the mothers...
>> Who froze their buns on metal bleachers
>> At football or soccer games instead
>> Of watching from the warmth of their cars,
>> So that when their kids asked,
>>
>> "Did you see me, Mom?"
>> They could say...
>> "Of course, I wouldn't have missed it for the world,"
>> And mean it.
>>
>> This is for all the mothers...
>> Who yell at their kids in the grocery store
>> And Swat them in despair when
>> They stomp their feet and scream for
>> Ice cream before dinner.
>>
>> And for all the mothers who count to ten instead,
>> But realize how child abuse happens.
>>
>> This is for all the mothers...
>> Who sat down with their children and
>> Explained all about making babies.
>> And for all the (grand)mothers who wanted to,
>> But just couldn't find the words.
>>
>> This is for all the mothers...
>> Who go hungry, so their children can eat.
>>
>> For all the mothers who read
>> "Goodnight, Moon"
>> Twice a night for a year.
>> And then read it again.
>> "Just one more time "
>>
>> This is for all the mothers...
>> Who taught their children to tie their
>> Shoelaces before they started school.
>>
>> And for all the mothers
>> Who hoped for Velcro instead.
>>
>> This is for all the mothers...
>> Who taught their sons to cook
>> And their daughters to sink a jump shot.
>>
>> This is for all the mothers...
>> Whose head turns automatically
>> When a little voice calls
>> "Mom?"
>> In a crowd,
>> Even though they know
>> Their own offspring are at home
>> -- or even away at college.
>>
>> This is for all the mothers...
>> Who sent their kids to school with
>> Stomach aches assuring them they'd
>> Be just FINE once they got there,
>> Only to get calls from the school
>> Nurse an hour later asking them to
>> Please pick them up.
>> Right away.
>>
>> This is for all the mothers...
>> Whose children have gone astray,
>> Who can't find the words to reach them.
>>
>> This is for all the stepmothers who
>> Raised another woman's
>> Child or children,
>> And gave their time,
>> Attention, and love...
>> Sometimes totally unappreciated!
>>
>> For all the mothers...
>> Who bite their lips until they bleed
>> When their 14 year olds dye their hair green.
>>
>> For all the mothers of the victims
>> Of recent school shootings,
>> And the mothers of those
>> Who did the shooting.
>>
>> For the mothers of the survivors,
>> And the mother?s who sat in front of their
>> TVs in horror,
>> Hugging their child who
>> Just came home from school, safely.
>>
>> This is for all the mothers...
>> Who taught their children to be peaceful,
>> And now pray they come home safely from a war.
>>
>> What makes a good Mother anyway?
>> Is it patience?
>> Compassion?
>> Broad hips?
>>
>> The ability to nurse a baby,
>> Cook dinner, and sew a button on a shirt,
>> All at the same time?
>>
>> Or is it in her heart?
>> Is it the ache you feel when
>> You watch your son or daughter disappear
>> Down the street, walking to school
>> Alone for the very first time?
>>
>> The jolt that takes you from sleep to dread,
>> From bed to crib at 2 A.M. To put your
>> Hand on the back of a sleeping baby?
>>
>> The panic, years later, that
>> Comes again at 2 A.M.
>> When you just want to hear their key
>> In the door and know they are safe
>> Again in your home?
>> Or the need to flee from wherever
>> You are and hug your
>> Child when you hear news of a fire,
>> a car accident, a child dying?
>>
>> The emotions of motherhood are universal
>> and so our thoughts are for young mothers
>> stumbling through diaper
>> changes and sleep deprivation...
>>
>> And mature mothers learning to let go.
>> For working mothers and stay-at-home mothers.
>> Single mothers and married mothers.
>> Mothers with money mothers without.
>>
>> This is for you all.
>> For all of us.
>> Hang in there.
>>
>> In the end we can only do the best we can.
>>
>> Tell them every day that we love them.
>> And pray.
>>
>> Please pass along to all the Moms in your life.
>> "Home is what catches you when you fall "-
>> "We are all human, and we all fall."
>>
>> Please pass this to a
>> Wonderful mother you know.
>>
>> (I just did) :)
>>
>> ~Happy Mothers Day!~

This just in!

I am fortunate to have many who send me funny emails, this one is from my Dad.....

Strange 911 Dispatch Calls! "BELIEVE" it or not, they are true!!Dispatcher: 9-1-1 What is your emergency?Caller: I heard what sounded like gunshots coming from the brownhouse on the corner.Dispatcher: Do you have an address?Caller: No, I have on a blouse and slacks, why?


--------------------------------Dispatcher: 9-1-1 What is your emergency?Caller: Someone broke into my house and took a bite out of my hamand cheese sandwich.Dispatcher: Excuse me?Caller: I made a ham and cheese sandwich and left it on thekitchen tableand when I came back from the bathroom, someone had taken a biteout of it.Dispatcher: Was anything else taken?Caller: No, but this has happened to me before and I'm sick andtired of it!

---------------------------------Dispatcher: 9-1-1 What is the nature of your emergency?Caller: I'm trying to reach nine eleven but my phone doesn't havean eleven on it.Dispatcher: This is nine eleven.Caller: I thought you just said it was nine-one-oneDispatcher: Yes, ma'am nine-one-one and nine-eleven are the samething.Caller: Honey, I may be old, but I'm not stupid. Do I need to call MayorPalmer on you!
Dispatcher: 9-1-1 What's the nature of your emergency?Caller: My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only twominutes apartDispatcher: Is this her first child?Caller: No, you idiot! This is her husband!
------------------------------------And the winner is.........
.Dispatcher: 9-1-1 What's the nature of your emergency?Caller: Yeah, I'm having trouble breathing. I'm all out ofbreath. Darn....I think I'm going to pass out.Dispatcher: Sir, where are you calling from?Caller: I'm at a pay phone. North and Foster.Dispatcher: Sir, an ambulance is on the way. Are you anasthmatic?Caller: NoDispatcher: What were you doing before you started having trouble breathing?
Caller: "Running from the Police!"

Phone Company

JACK'S TELEPHONE NUMBER...


Blonde Caller: "Can you give me the telephone number for Jack?"

Operator: "I'm sorry, I don't understand who you are talking about".


Blonde Caller: "On page 1 section 5, of the user guide it clearly states that I need to unplug the fax machine from the AC wall socket and telephone Jack before cleaning.
Now, can you give me the number for Jack?"

Celebrate Mother's!!! Please feel free to forward, I did...

Dinner and a Movie

After 21 years of marriage, my wife wanted me to take another woman out
to
dinner and a movie. She said, "I love you, but I know this other woman
loves
you and would love to spend some time with you."

The other woman that my wife wanted me to visit was my mother, who had
been
a widow for 19 years, but the demands of my work and my 3 children has
made
it possible only to visit her occasionally.

That night I called to invite her to go out for dinner and a movie.
"What's wrong, are you well?" She asked. My mother is the type of woman
who suspects that a late night call or surprise invitation is a sign of
bad news.

"I thought that it would be pleasant to spend some time with you," I
responded. Just the two of us."

She thought about it for a moment, and then said, "I would like that
very much."

That Friday after work, as I drove over to pick her up I was a bit
nervous.

When I arrived at her house, I noticed that she, too, seemed to be
nervous
about our date. She waited in the door with her coat on. She had curled
her
hair and was wearing the dress that she had worn to celebrate her last
wedding anniversary.

She smiled from a face that was as radiant as an Angel's. "I told my
friends
that I was going to go out with my son, and they were impressed," she
said,
as she got into the car. "They can't wait to hear about our meeting."

We went to a restaurant that, although not elegant, was very nice and
cozy.

My mother took my arm as if she were the First Lady. After we sat down,
I
had to read the menu. Her eyes could only read large print. Half way
through
the entries, I lifted my eyes and saw Mom sitting there staring at me.

A nostalgic smile was on her lips. "It was I who used to have to read
the
menu when you were small," she said. " Then it's time that you relax
and let
me return the favor," I responded.

During the dinner, we had an agreeable conversation-- nothing
extraordinary
but catching up on recent events of each other's life. We talked so
much
that we missed the movie. As we arrived at her house later, she said,
"I'll
go out with you again, but only if you let me invite you." I agreed.

"How was your dinner date?" Asked my wife when I got home.

"Very nice. Much more so than I could have imagined," I answered.

A few days later, my mother died of a massive heart attack. It happened
so
suddenly that I didn't have a chance to do anything for her. Some time
later, I received an envelope with a copy of a restaurant receipt from
the
same place where mother and I had dined.

An attached note said: "I paid this bill in advance. I wasn't sure that
I
could be there; but nevertheless I paid for two plates -- one for you
and
the other for your wife. You will never know what that night meant for
me."

"I love you, son."

At that moment, I understood the importance of saying in time: "I love
you,"
and to give our loved ones the time that they deserve.

Nothing in life is more important than your family. Give them the time
they
deserve, because these things cannot be put off till "some other time."


Somebody said it takes about 6 weeks to get back to normal after you've
had
a baby . . . Somebody doesn't know that once you're a mother, "normal"
is
history.

Somebody said you learn how to be a mother by instinct . .. Somebody
never
took a 3-year-old shopping.

Somebody said being a mother is boring . . . Somebody never rode in a
car
driven by a teenager with a driver's permit.

Somebody said good mothers never raise their voices . . Somebody never
came
out the back door just in time to see her child hit a golf ball through
the
neighbor's kitchen window.

Somebody said you don't need an education to be a mother . . Somebody
never helped a 4th grader with his math.

Somebody said you can't love the 5th child as much as you love the
first . .
.Somebody doesn't have 5 children.

Somebody said a mother can find all the answers to her child-rearing
questions in the books . . Somebody never had a child stuff beans up
his
nose or in his ears.

Somebody said the hardest part of being a mother is labor and delivery.
Somebody never watched her "baby" get on the bus for the 1st day of
kindergarten. Or on a plane headed for military boot camp.

Somebody said a mother can do her job with her eyes closed and one hand
tied
behind her back . Somebody never organized 7 giggling Brownies to sell
cookies.

Somebody said a mother can stop worrying after her child gets married.
.
Somebody doesn't know that marriage adds a new son- or daughter-in-law
to a
mother's heartstrings.

Somebody said a mother's job is done when her last child leaves home .
.
Somebody never had grandchildren.

Somebody said your mother knows you love her, so you don't need to tell
her
. . . Somebody isn't a mother.

Pass this along to all the "mothers" in your life.

We should also pass it on to anyone who has ever loved and/or lost a
mother.

Chocolate Math to tell your age

> I get a lot of neat emails, only the best I will bring over to share.


This is not one of those waste of time things, it's fun.
>
>
>
>
>
> 1. First of all, pick the number of times a week that you would like to
> have chocolate
>
> (more than once but less than 10)
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
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> 2. Multiply this number by 2 (just to be bold)
>
>
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> 3. Add 5
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> 4. Multiply it by 50 -- I'll wait while you get the calculator
>
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> 5. If y ou have already had your birthday this year add 1756 ..
>
> If you haven't, add 1755.
>
>
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> 6. Now subtract the four digit year that you were born.
>
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> You should have a three digit number
>
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>
> The first digit of this was your original number
>
> (i.e., how many times you want to have chocolate each week).
>
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> The next two numbers are
>
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> YOUR AGE! (Oh YES, it is!!!!!)
>
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>
> THIS IS THE ONLY YEAR (2006) IT WILL EVER WORK, SO SPREAD IT AROUND
> WHILE IT LASTS.

Life Explained

LIFE EXPLAINED

On the first day, God created the dog and said: "Sit all day by the door Of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. For this, I Will give you a life span of twenty years." The dog said: "That's a long time to be barking. How about only ten years And I'll give you back the other ten?" So God agreed.

On the second day, God created the monkey and said: "Entertain people, do Tricks, and make them laugh. For this, I'l give you a twenty-year life Span." The monkey said: "Monkey tricks for twenty years? That's a pretty long Time to perform. How about I give you back ten like the Dog did?" And God Agreed.

On the third day, God created the cow and said: "You must go into the Field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves And give milk to support! The far mer's family. For this, I will give you a Life span of sixty years" The cow said: "That's kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty Years, how about twenty and I'll give back the other forty?" And God Agreed again.

On the fourth day, God created man and said: "Eat, sleep, play, marry and Enjoy your life. For this, I'll give you twenty years." But man said: "Only twenty years? Could you possibly give me my twenty, The forty the cow gave back, the ten the monkey gave back, and the ten the Dog gave back; that makes eighty, okay?" "Okay," said God, "You asked for it."

So that is why the first twenty years we eat, sleep, play and enjoy Ourselves. For the next forty years, we slave in the sun to support our Family. For the next ten years, we do monkey tricks to entertain the Grandchildren. And for the last ten years we sit on the front porch and Bark at everyone.

Life has now been explained to you. Have a great day!!!

Subject: Fw: Simple Home Remedies



SIMPLE HOME REMEDIES:
1. If you are choking on an ice cube, don't panic..


Simply pour a cup of boiling water down your throat


and presto. The blockage will be almost instantly removed.



2. Clumsy? Avoid cutting yourself while slicing


vegetables by getting someone else to hold them


while you chop away.



3. Avoid arguments with the little woman about


lifting the toilet seat by simply using the sink.



4. For high blood pressure sufferers: simply cut


yourself and bleed for a few minutes, thus


reducing the pressure in your veins.


Remember to use a timer.



5. A mouse trap, placed on top of your alarm clock,


will prevent you from rolling over and going back


to sleep after you hit the snooze button.



6. If you have a bad cough, take a large dose of


laxatives, then you will be afraid to cough.



7. Have a bad toothache? Smash your thumb with


a hammer and you will forget about the toothache.



Sometimes, we just need to remember what the


rules of life really are:





You only need two tools:


WD-40 and Duct Tape.


If it doesn't move and should, use the WD-40.


If it shouldn't move and does, use the duct tape.



Remember:



Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.



Never pass up an opportunity to go to the bathroom.



If you woke up breathing, congratulations!
You get another chance.



And finally, be really nice to your family and friends;


you never know when you might need them to


empty your bedpan

Aviation reading for Tramps Riverbank and all

Thoughts Of Pilots
>>> No matter what else happens, fly the airplane.
>>> Forget all that stuff about thrust and drag, lift and gravity; an
>>> airplane flies because of money.
>>>
> It's better to be down here wishing you were up
>>> there, than up there wishing you were down here.
>>>
> If you're ever faced with a forced landing at
>>> night, turn on the landing lights to see the landing area. If you don't
>>> like what you see, turn' em back off.
>>>
> A check ride ought to be like a skirt, short enough to be interesting but
> still be long enough to cover everything.
>>>
> Speed is life, altitude is life insurance. No one has ever collided with
> the sky!
>>>
> Always remember you fly an airplane with your head, not your hands.
>>>
> Never let an airplane take you somewhere your brain didn't get to five
> minutes earlier.
>>>
> "Unskilled" pilots are always found in the wreckage with their hand around
> the microphone.
>>>
> If you push the stick forward, the houses get
>>> bigger; if you pull the stick back, they get smaller. (Unless you keep
>>> pulling the stick back-then they get bigger again.)
>>>
> Hovering is for pilots who love to fly but have no place to go.
>>>
> The only time you have too much fuel is when
>>> you're on fire.
>>>
> Flying is the second greatest thrill known to man. Landing is the first!
>>>
> Everyone already knows the definition of a 'good' landing is one from
> which you can walk away. But very few know the definition of a 'great'
> landing. It's one after which you can use the airplane another time.
>>>
> The probability of survival is equal to the angle of arrival.
>>>
> IFR: I Follow Roads.
>>>
> You know you've landed with the wheels up when it takes full power to
> taxi.
>>>
> Those who hoot with the owls by night should not fly with the eagles by
> day.
>>>
> A helicopter is a collection of rotating parts going round and round and
> reciprocating parts going up and down - all ofthem trying to become random
> in motion.
>>>
> Helicopters can't really fly - they're just so ugly that the earth
> immediately repels them.
>>>
> Pilots believe in clean living. They never drink whiskey from a dirty
> glass.
>>>
> Things which do you no good in aviation: Altitude above you. Runway behind
> you. Fuel in the truck. Half a second ago. Approach plates in the car.
> The airspeed you don't have.
>>>
> If God meant man to fly, He'd have given him more money.
>>>
> Flying is not dangerous; crashing is dangerous.
>>>
> A good simulator check ride is like successful surgery on a corpse.
>>>
> Asking what a pilot thinks about the FAA is like asking a tree what it
> thinks about dogs.
>>>
> Trust your captain but keep your seat belt securely fastened.
>>>
> An airplane may disappoint a good pilot, but it won't surprise him.
>>>
> pilot who relies on a terminal forecast can be sold the Brooklyn Bridge.
> If he relies on winds-aloft reports he can be sold Niagara Falls.
>>>
> The friendliest flight attendants are those on the trip home.
>>>
> Good judgment comes from experience and experience comes from bad
> judgment.
>>>
> Being an airline pilot would be great if you didn't have to go on all
> those trips.
>>>
> Aviation is not so much a profession as it is a disease.
>>>
> The nicer an airplane looks, the better it flies.
>>>
> There are three simple rules for making a smooth landing. Unfortunately,
> no one knows what they are.
>>>
> It's a good landing if you can still get the doors open.
>>>
> Passengers prefer old captains and young flight attendants.
>>>
> The only thing worse than a captain who never flew as copilot is a copilot
> who once was a captain.
>>>
> It's best to keep the pointed end going forward as much as possible.
>>>
> If an earthquake suddenly opened a fissure in a runway that caused an
> accident, the FAA would find a way to blame it on pilot error.
>>>
> Any attempt to stretch fuel is guaranteed to increase headwind.
>>>
> A thunderstorm is never as bad on the inside as it appears on the outside.
> It's worse.
>>>
> It's easy to make a small fortune in aviation. You start with a large
> fortune.
>>>
> A male pilot is a confused soul who talks about women when he's flying,
> and about flying when he's with a woman.
>>>
> A fool and his money are soon flying more airplane than he can handle.
>>>
> The last thing every pilot does before leaving the aircraft after making a
> gear up landing is to put the gear selection
> lever in the 'down' position.
>>>
> Try to keep the number of your landings equal to the number of your
> takeoffs.
>>>
> Takeoffs are optional. Landings are mandatory.
>>>
> You cannot propel yourself forward by patting yourself on the back.
>>>
>
>
>
>
> ________________________________________________________________
>
>
>

Trying to wake up


Good Morning!


First time since last September I have had to be awake and functioning before 5:00 am.
Today, I open the golf course by myself for the very first time.

I am enjoying my time at the golf course, minus a few idiots who I will enjoy exposing on my blog. ( Keyboard therapy, if you will.) Knowing that I can get home and unload my troubles into a blog is good for the family budget, as well, since I have replaced my need for 'retail therapy' .


Soccer games yesterday. Why do parents ( who badly coach) think it is proper to teach their children it is okay to get physical if you are up against a better opponent? I am completely biased in my support of my children. This is the second time we have played this team that has to rely on physical tripping and elbowing to win a game. Daughter was so frustrated yesterday because the Referees were not calling the fouls. The man is question has a last name of CONTI and I will be glad to tell you he is an IDIOT......The girls are 9 and 10 yrs old. Let them learn the skills and fun of a game before you turn them into fools. This man wasn't man enough to make a name for himself in high school sports, so he has to teach his daughter that the way to win a game is by cheating. It is my hope he gets kicked out of coaching soccer, as he is the original horses ass. He talks trash to my daughters team! Can you believe an adult can't get the emotions under wrap? From previous posts, you will remember, I can swing a mean pogo stick. May have to bring it to soccer games. ( Good thing I have my blog to talk about what a fool this schmuck is.....all sports have them, and my kids are okay with facing jag off parent coaches. )I tell them to think this about this during the game: you can knock me down, but you won't keep me down. Daughter is channeling Heinz Ward and Troy Puhalmalu.....

Okay. maybe the caffeine hasn't sufficiently awoken my nice personality, and I am still under the cloud of nightmares. One more sip, and the good one will return..promise.


off to help golfers hit their balls.

Women Who Read

One morning on a lake in Idaho, a husband returned after several hours of fishing and decided to take a nap.

Although not familiar with the lake, his wife decided to take the boat out. She motored out a short distance, anchored and continued to read her book.
Along came a game warden in his boat. He pulled up alongside the woman and said, "Good morning, ma'am. What are you doing?""Reading a book," she replied, thinking, isn't that obvious?
"You're in a restricted fishing area," he informed her."I'm sorry officer, but I'm not fishing; I'm reading."
"Yes, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment. I'll have to take you in and write you up."
"If you do that, I'll have to charge you with sexual assault," said the woman."But I haven't even touched you," said the gamewarden.
"That's true, but you have all the equipment.For all I know you
could start at any moment."

"Have a nice day, ma'am," and with that, he
left.

The moral? Never argue with a woman who reads.

It's likely that she can also think.

Onto the Soap box I step- my opinion at work

Now onto the immigrants.
If I could afford one, I would have one.

No seriously, I am offended that someone who is here ILLEGALLY feels the need to DEMAND something of the government, (in essence, you and I), to give to the illegals.
These people who come to the USA and don't want to follow all channels that ( most) others follow, send 'em back.
It is time to be proud to be an American, and stand up for the responsibility that the position requires. I believe that they need to learn the English language, and not try to force our establishment to do things ' their way'.....If you go back to the original Ellis Island immigrants, you will see the same outrage that I feel.
Why do these new illegal immigrants feel that they are any better than those who arrived and created their own success through extreme hard work, sacrifice and dedication before them?
Letting illegals change how things are done is a slap in the face to all who have left families to come to this country and learned the language, and done very hard work, etc. before them


Off the soap box

Adults only, please- you've been warned

Pharmacological humor

In Pharmacology, all drugs have 2 names, a trade name and a generic name.

For example, the trade name of Tylenol also has a generic name of
Acetaminophen. Aleve is also called Naproxen. Amoxil is also called
Amoxicillin and Advil is also called Ibuprofen.

The FDA has been looking for a generic name for Viagra. After careful
consideration by a team of government experts, it recently announced that it
has settled on the generic name of Mycoxafloppin. Also considered were
mycoxafailin, Mydixadrupin, Mydixarizin, Dixa! fix, and of course, Ibepokin.

Pfizer Corp. announced today that VIAGRA will soon be available in liquid
form, and will be marketed by Pepsi Cola as a power beverage suitable for
use as a mixer. It will now be possible for a man to literally pour himself
a stiff one.

Obviously we can no longer call this a soft drink, and it gives new meaning
to the names of "cocktails", "highballs" and just a good old-fashioned
"stiff drink". Pepsi will market the new concoction by the name of: "MOUNT
& DO".

Church Offerings

I had to redeem myself after posting the same joke as : trampsriverbank- he is an excellant, entertaining writer, take the time to visit and be amused!



Give to your church One Sunday, in counting the money in the weekly offering, the pastor of a small Florida church found a pink envelope containing $1000. It happened again the next week. The following Sunday, he watched as the offering was collected and saw a little old lady put the distinctive pink envelope in the plate. This went on for weeks until the pastor, overcome by curiosity, approached her. "Ma'am, I couldn't help but notice that you put $1,000 a week in the collection plate," he stated. "Why yes," she replied, "every week my son sends me money, and I give some of it to the church." The pastor replied, "That's wonderful, how much does he send you?" The old lady said, "$10,000 a week." The pastor was amazed. "Your son is very successful; what does he do for a living?" "He is a veterinarian," she answered. "That is an honorable profession," the pastor said. "Where does he practice?" The old lady said proudly, "In Nevada. He has two cat houses. One in Las Vegas and one in Reno.

An airline customer service story

This goes hand in hand with the airline story you can enjoy at : tramps riverbank

An airline's passenger cabin was being served by an obviously gay flight attendant, who seemed to put everyone into a good mood as he served them food and drinks.As the plane prepared to descend, he came swishing down the aisle and announced to the passengers, "Captain Marvin has asked me to announce that he'll be landing the big scary plane shortly, lovely people, so if you could just put up your trays that would be super."On his trip back up the aisle, he noticed that a well-dressed rather exotic looking woman hadn't moved a muscle. "Perhaps you didn't hear me over those big brute engines. I asked you to put away your trazy-poo so the main man can pitty-pat us on the ground."She calmly turned her head and said, "In my country, I am called a Princess. I take orders from no one." To which the flight attendant replied without missing a beat, "Well, sweet cheeks, in my country, I'm called a Queen, so I outrank you. Tray-up bitch."