Help! Who am I?

Hello Everyone!

( all 2 of you...maybe down to one...)

I have been noticeably absent from actively posting any new items lately. Let me tell you why.

After 9/11 , many airlines fell apart, first by the mandatory stoppage of flying for the first 3 days, then by the fear of flying, compounded by the resulting high fees of jet fuel. My airline's management came right out and admitted that they had never produced a Plan B, because what the terrorists had done that day, had never been imagined...( how I wish Stephen King was on my management team...I'd still have a job). I was publicly pissed at this oversight, mainly due to the fact that this ' team' hired by the board of directors, was highly highly paid ( many millions to each of them)...I feel that if you are pulling 7 figures down, some one should be creative and have enough FORESIGHT to produce a plan for the unimagineable..... they continued on a quick trip through bankruptcy ( I guess that is what the Wharton School of Business uses a a'Plan B'.)

So here I am, 5 years later, an unemployed ( okay, I took a buy out to leave- if I had even 1% of what the board offered the imbecils who lead us into bankruptcy, I could've retired, paid off all the bills and never been heard from again.!) As it is, I saw the opportunity as the only one they would offer ( which they did) and chose to leave an industry I thrived upon.

So here I am, going through assessment testing and career counseling, to see where I will fit best into the job market, and still be as happy as I can be......they have been super dupersuccessful in dealing with me and my personality, which is changing as often as the tides. So after all this testing, to help me figure out what I want to be when I grow up, it is agreed upon, that I would challenge some very competent instructors and force them to make me a " Microsoft Office Specialist"...... ( MOS for short) Upon completion of this rigorous full time 19 week course, I will emerge with a certificate worthy of employment. ( Are you listening Lord? I am relying heavily on you, as always!)

So now, I will enter into school in July and after November, will start pounding the pavement at doors who have openings in the Human Resource department...( the area where I test the highest, being with others, go figure!) In case that all falls apart, I do have a Real Estate License for the state of PA and I will start begging people to give me their house keys in exchange for 6 % of the home sale.....fair, right? ha ha...of COURSE it's fair, I'll be a MOS, remember?


Oh the joys of the unknown....I absolutely love to dwell in the possibilities....trust me...may be the name of my new company!

Off to the golf course, to work in the Pro shop. I seem to be too old to be bartending, so I have settled for handling the money before you are in a bad mood, and not after.

Warmest regards,
future MOS

What's Up, Dude?
The word "dude" is the name for an infected elephant butt hair
www.worthlessfacts.com

joke

CATHOLIC PARROTS
A lady goes to her priest one day and tells him. "Father, I have a
problem. I have two female parrots, but they only know how to say
one thing." "What do they say?" the priest inquired.
They say, "Hi, we're hookers! Do you want to have some fun?"
"That's obscene!" the priest exclaimed, Then he thought for a
moment. "You know," he said, "I may have a solution to your problem. I have
two male talking parrots, which I have taught to pray and read the Bible.
Bring your two parrots over to my house, and we'll put them in the cage
with Francis and Peter. My parrots can teach your parrots to praise and
worship."Thank you," the woman responded, "this may very well be the
solution." The next day, she brought her female parrots to the priest's house.
As he ushered her in, she saw that his two male parrots were inside their
cage holding rosary beads and praying. Impressed, she walked over and
placed her parrots in with them.
After a few minutes, the female parrots cried out in unison: "Hi,we're
hookers! Do you want to have some fun?" There was stunned silence.
Shocked, one male parrot looked over at the other male parrot and
exclaimed, "Put the beads away, Frank. Our prayers have been answered!"

Easter Food-

still eating hard boiled eggs......

saw a bumper sticker the other day at the elementary school my children attend.

It was: " Fat people are harder to kidnap"

Subject: Reagan Wisdom!Love him or hate him but either way, you gotta love the sound bites he came up with!
WISDOM..!!"Here's my strategy on the Cold War: We win, they lose."- Ronald Reagan
"The most terrifying words in the English language are: I'm from the government and I'm here to help." - Ronald Reagan
"The trouble with our liberal friends is not that they're ignorant: It's just that they know so much that isn't so." - Ronald Reagan
"Of the four wars in my lifetime none came about because the U.S. was too strong." - Ronald Reagan
"I have wondered at times about what the Ten Commandment's would have looked like if Moses had run them through the U.S. Congress." - Ronald Reagan
"The taxpayer: That's someone who works for the federal government but doesn't have to take the civil service examination." - Ronald Reagan
"If we ever forget that we're one nation under God, then we will be a nation gone under." - Ronald Reagan
"The nearest thing to eternal life we will ever see on this earth is a government program." - Ronald Reagan
"I've laid down the law, though, to everyone from now on about anything that happens: no matter what time it is, wake me, even if it's in the middle of a Cabinet meeting." - Ronald Reagan
"It has been said that politics is the second oldest profession. I have learned that it bears a striking resemblance to the first." - Ronald Reagan
"Government's view of the economy could be summed up in a few short phrases: If it moves, tax it. If it keeps moving, regulate it. And if it stops moving, subsidize it." - Ronald Reagan
"Politics is not a bad profession. If you succeed there are many rewards, if you disgrace yourself you can always write a book." - Ronald Reagan
"No arsenal, or no weapon in the arsenals of the world, is so formidable as the will and moral courage of free men and women. - Ronald Reagan

Ode to Grandparents

WHAT IS A GRANDPARENT?
(taken from papers written by a class of 8-year-olds)

Grandparents are a lady and a man who have no little children of her own. They like other people's.
A grandfather is a man grandmother.
Grandparents don't have to do anything e xcept be there when we come to see them. They are so old they shouldn't play hard or run. It is good if they drive us to the store and have lots of quarters for us.
When they take us for walks, they slow down past things like pretty leaves and caterpillars.
They show us and talk to us about the co lor of the flowers and also Why we shouldn't step on "cracks."
They don't say, "Hurry up."
Usually grandmothers are fat, but not too fat to tie your shoes.
They wear glasses and funny underwear.
They can take their teeth and gums out.
Grandparents don't have to be smart.
They have to answer questions like "why isn't God married?" and "How come dogs chase cats?".
When they read to us, they don't skip. They don't mind if we ask for the same story over again.
Everybody should try to have a grandmother, especially if you don't have television, because they are the only grown ups who like to spend time with us.
They know we should have snack-time before bedtime and they say prayers with us every time, and kiss us even when we've acted bad.
A 6 YEAR OLD WAS ASKED WHERE HIS GRANDMA LIVED. ''OH,'' HE SAID, ''SHE LIVES AT THE AIRPORT, AND WHEN WE WANT HER WE JUST GO GET HER. THEN WHEN WE'RE DONE HAVING HER VISIT, WE TAKE HER BACK TO THE AIRPORT.''

It's funny when they bend over, you hear gas leaks and they blame their dog."

Friends

Out with my friend I have had the longest....her name is Sharon and she is in town from Sunny CA.....stopped by for a few hours to visit. We were here in the wrecking zone for about 1/2 minute and decided to leave and eat and drink the afternoon away. (*at our age, that's a shared lunch and 2 drinks a piece- whooppee) It is called the wrecking zone because we have purchased and installed new carpet in the play room and daughters bed room. So all that was in those 2 rooms, is now in every other room in the home.

How fun it is to spend time with friends who have known you forever. Laughs that don't have to be explained, wrinkles and fat asses, too!

Her son came in later in the day, and she missed his phone call, once again, blamed on us giggling. So back towards the airport we go, glad to get her son, and then she wants to see my kids who are at the cousins house playing. So off we go to get my kids, and the cousins stare at my friend and son like they are from California and have never seen anyone like that before. Kids need to get out more. My kids greeted them coldly because they are rude and obnoxious. But they didn't stare, because they get out more, and have actually seen people from California before. hee hee....they were pissed because the play date was ending. So back home we finally arrive, pictures taken, etc. etc. etc.

husband tries to glean information from the one source who has known me ( other than immediate family) for almost 33 years. Doesn't work, and what she does tell him is so cleaned up it could be a preview for a movie. hook line and sinker, that man. Luckily, she has big boobs, so as long as he can peek, he doesn't really hear what she is saying anyway.

As we were driving here and there and everywhere today, we noticed this car in front of us with one of my pet peeves. A personalized plate. I have nothing against personalized plates. I have a problem with people who pay money to have their ego pressed into tin, and it makes no sense. I appreciate funny! Not, not understandable. This world needs 2 things for me to survive a little longer-everyone to drive exactly like me, there would be no accidents, and for me to be in charge of okay'ing those stupid plates. A person could have an accident trying to figure out those plates. My favorite of all time ; on a nice little black BMW convertible: U2B HIS- That I can understand and find humor! It could've been U2B HRS, and I would still find it funny. Think it was a bitter break up?


AH HA HA HA.....wonder who the attorney was in that case?

So off to put the kids to bed, just wanted to share how wonderful it is to spend time with someone who has known you forever, and still likes you anyway. May everyone have a Sharon in thier lives.

Golfing

Hello!

Well, it's official! I am a Golf Cart Wench and general customer service person for people who choose to spend hours swinging sticks at white balls. I am really looking forward to sharing the weather with some hopefully fun people who will enjoy my totally twisted sense of humor.

I love to make people laugh, it is the very best way to spend the day! My favorite kind of humor is when you have to think about what I just said. Don't get me wrong, drop dead obvious laughter is well and good, but the kind where it hits you later and you laugh about it long into the future is the kind of thing I aim for on a regular basis.

Time and again, I have been told by people from complete strangers to even my dentist and all in between that I should be a stand up comic. That is the total compliment to me. Have never acted on it, but you can catch glimpses of my comic on my aerobics show on local cable. (www.mca-tv.org) Not that they have any running streams on the internet, but maybe someday I can figure out how to do that with approval!

Enjoy the holiday weekend, remember the reason for the day, and find something to laugh about today and then share it with ME!

words of wisdom

"We don't have inflation because the people are living too well. We have inflation because the government is living too well." —Ronald Reagan

Easter time Humor

The chicken is leaning against the headboard smoking a cigarette, with a satisfied smile on it's face.

The egg, looking a bit Ticked off, grabs the sheet, rolls over, and says, "Well, I guess we finally answered THAT question."

Answers to the hard questions

5 Winning Smart Aleck Answers For 2005

Smart Alick Answer #5: ( One I have personally thought 100 times, at least!)

A flight attendant was stationed at the departure gate to check tickets. As a man approached, she extended her hand for the ticket and he opened his trench coat and flashed at her. Without missing a beat....she said, "Sir, I need to see your ticket not your stub."

***************** Smart Aleck answer # 4


A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store, but she couldn't find one big enough for her family. She asked a stock boy, "Do these turkeys get any bigger?" The stock boy replied, "No ma'am, they're dead."

******************* Smart Aleck Answer #3:

The cop got out of his car and the kid who was stopped for speeding rolled down his window. "I've been waiting for you all day," the cop said. The kid replied, "Yeah, well I got here as fast as I could." When the cop finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way without a ticket.

******************* Smart Aleck Answer #2:

A truck driver was driving along on the freeway. A sign comes up that reads, "Low Bridge Ahead." Before he knows it, the bridge is right ahead of him and he gets stuck under the bridge. Cars are backed up for miles. Finally, a police car comes up. The cop gets out of his car and walks to the truck driver, puts his hands on his hips and says, "Got stuck, huh?" The truck driver says, "No, I was delivering this bridge and ran out of gas."

******************* #1 SMART ALECK ANSWER OF THE YEAR 2005.......................

A college teacher reminds her class of tomorrow's final exam. "Now class, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury or illness, or a death in your immediate family, but that's it, no other excuses whatsoever!"
A smart ass guy in the back of the room raised his hand and asked, "What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?"
The entire class is reduced to laughter and snickering. When silence was restored, the teacher smiled knowingly at the student, shaking her head and sweetly said "Well, I guess you'd have to write the exam with your other hand."

Work wanted on a golf course

Hello!

Okay, if you have taken the time to read my profile, you know that I am currently, happily unemployed- I have been working steady since I was 15 ( my Dad wouldn't buy me a pair of Levi's when the Plain Pocket from Jacque Penney was just as good, so I went out and got a job to buy them myself!) ANYWAY, it's been 27 years of work....and I took a break.

Ready to head back to the force of labor- one problem, those years I spent enjoying myself in the silver tube have left me with no qualifications other than to return to the silver tube...not gonna happen! Like cops and flight attendants, both are great at their jobs, but when they go to look for something else, they are only qualified to be cops or flight attendants.

So how is this for a job? I recently put an application in at a golf course to ( hopefully) be a 'refreshment cart server'....basically I would be able to drive a golf cart and deliver drinks to the golfers.....hmmm, I think I may be qualified for THAT one.....instead of being a 'cart pusher' I will be a cart driver. And just think, I can serve that can of beer BEFORE a safety demo!.....( I could in the case of an emergency, point out that you are in the rough, or the sand trap is up 4 feet to the left!)


In the meantime, I will enroll in a school that promises I can pass the Microsoft Office Certification test. What in the world will I do with that when I am finished? Probably nothing, same as I have done with my real estate license! But it shows my kids that you can return to school at any time, and keep on trying to better yourself. Seriously, most jobs that I could be interested in require proficiency in Microsoft Office. They didn't have portable computers on the airplane, and I was too busy 'chatting' up the customers to be bothered to learn that computer stuff even if they had! So back to school I go with the hopes of finding a job that will work with the family schedule and provide a little debt relief.

In the meantime, I hope to be able to work at the golf course for the summer. Call me crazy or stupid, but I truly believe that work should be fun! I am stuck with the thought that I should be able to enjoy myself while earning a wage.

Signing off now, have to practice my golf cart driving! And find a really kick ass pair of sunglasses!

new business mergers

Subject: Fwd: Mergers to watch for

Investment tips for 2006.... for all of you with any money left, be aware of the next expected mergers so that you can get in on the ground floor and make some BIG bucks.

Watch for these consolidations in 2006.

1. Hale Business Systems, Mary Kay Cosmetics, Fuller Brush, and W. R.Grace Co.
will merge and become: Hale, Mary, Fuller, Grace.

2. Polygram Records, Warner Bros., and Zesta Crackers join forces and become: Poly, Warner Cracker.

3. 3M will merge with Goodyear and become: MMMGood.

4. Zippo Manufacturing, Audi Motors, Dofasco, and Dakota Mining will merge and become: ZipAudiDoDa.

5. FedEx is expected to join its major competitor, UPS, and become: FedUP.

6. Fairchild Electronics and Honeywell Computers will become: Fairwell Honeychild.

7. Grey Poupon and Docker Pants are expected to become: Poupon Pants.

8. Knotts Berry Farm and the National Organization of Women will become: Knott NOW!

And finally

9. Victoria's Secret and Smith & Wesson will merge under the new name: Titty Titty Bang Bang

--

Whiskey Drinking Joke

RISKY WHISKEYA guy in a bar approaches an attractive woman and asks, "Can I buy you a whiskey?" She thinks for a second and answers, "No, you can't. Whiskey is bad for my legs." He says, "That's a shame, do they swell?" The woman replies, "No, they open."

Great Church Humor

This supposedly came from a CATHOLIC ELEMENTARY SCHOOL TEST. KIDS WERE> > ASKED QUESTIONS ABOUT THE OLD AND NEW TESTAMENTS. THE FOLLOWING> > STATEMENTS ABOUT THE BIBLE WERE WRITTEN BY CHILDREN. THEY HAVE NOT BEEN> > RETOUCHED OR CORRECTED. INCORRECT SPELLING HAS BEEN LEFT IN.> >> > 1. IN THE FIRST BOOK OF THE BIBLE, GUINESSIS. GOD GOT TIRED OF CREATING> > THE WORLD SO HE TOOK THE SABBATH OFF.> >> > 2. ADAM AND EVE WERE CREATED FROM AN APPLE TREE. NOAH'S WIFE WAS JOAN> > OF ARK. NOAH BUILT AND ARK AND THE ANIMALS CAME ON IN PEARS.> >> > 3. LOTS WIFE WAS A PILLAR OF SALT DURING THE DAY, BUT A BALL OF FIRE> > DURING THE NIGHT.> >> > 4. THE JEWS WERE A PROUD PEOPLE AND THROUGHOUT HISTORY THEY HAD> > TROUBLE WITH UNSYMPATHETIC GENITALS.> >> > 5. SAMPSON WAS A STRONGMAN WHO LET HIMSELF BE LED ASTRAY BY A JEZEBEL> > LIKE DELILAH.> >> > 6. SAMSON SLAYED THE PHILISTINES WITH THE AXE OF THE APOSTLES.> >> > 7. MOSES LED THE JEWS TO THE RED SEA WHERE THEY MADE UNLEAVENED BREAD> > WHICH IS BREAD WITHOUT ANY INGREDIENTS> >> > 8, THE EGYPTIANS WERE ALL DROWNED IN THE DESSERT. AFTERWARDS, MOSES> > WENT UP TO MOUNT CYANIDE TO GET THE TEN COMMANDMENTS.> >> > 9. THE FIRST COMMANDMENTS WAS WHEN EVE TOLD ADAM TO EAT THE APPLE.> >> > 10. THE SEVENTH COMMANDMENT IS THOU SHALT NOT ADMIT ADULTERY.> >> > 11. MOSES DIED BEFORE HE EVER REACHED CANADA. THEN JOSHUA LED THE> > HEBREWS IN THE BATTLE OF GERITOL.> >> > 12. THE GREATEST MIRICLE IN THE BIBLE IS WHEN JOSHUA TOLD HIS SON TO> > STAND STILL AND HE OBEYED HIM.> >> > 13. DAVID WAS A HEBREW KING WHO WAS SKILLED AT PLAYING THE LIAR. HE> > FOUGHT THE FINKELSTEINS, A RACE OF PEOPLE WHO LIVED IN BIBLICAL TIMES.> >> > 14. SOLOMON, ONE OF DAVIDS SONS, HAD 300 WIVES AND 700 PORCUPINES.> >> > 15. WHEN MARY HEARD SHE WAS THE MOTHER OF JESUS, SHE SANG THE MAGNA> > CARTA.> >> > 16. WHEN THE THREE WISE GUYS FROM THE EAST SIDE ARRIVED THEY FOUND> > JESUS IN THE MANAGER.> >> > 17. JESUS WAS BORN BECAUSE MARY HAD AN IMMACULATE CONTRAPTION.> >> > 18. ST. JOHN THE BLACKSMITH DUMPED WATER ON HIS HEAD.> >> > 19. JESUS ENUNCIATED THE GOLDEN RULE, WHICH SAYS TO DO UNTO OTHERS> > BEFORE THEY DO ONE TO YOU. HE ALSO EXPLAINED A MAN DOTH NOT LIVE BY> > SWEAT ALONE.> >> > 20. IT WAS A MIRICLE WHEN JESUS ROSE FROM THE DEAD AND MANAGED TO GET> > THE TOMBSTONE OFF THE ENTRANCE.> >> > 21. THE PEOPLE WHO FOLLOWED THE LORD WERE CALLED THE 12 DECIBELS.> >> > 22. THE EPISTELS WERE THE WIVES OF THE APOSTLES.> >> > 23. ONE OF THE OPPOSSUMS WAS ST. MATTHEW WHO WAS ALSO A TAXIMAN.> >> > 24. ST. PAUL CAVORTED TO CHRISTIANITY, HE PREACHED HOLY ACRIMONY WHICH> > IS ANOTHER NAME FOR MARRAIGE.> >> > 25. CHRISTIANS HAVE ONLY ONE SPOUSE. THIS IS CALLED MONOTONY.> >> >> > >

Doggy Update

Hello!

Sammy continues to heal and strengthen......off the pain killers, when he can chase a squirrel, he doesn't need mediciation for the pain, so I pulled it! Last dose of antibiotics this morning.

Husband home from the Football vacation. He spoke to the owner of Dillon ( bad dog) , who has reimbursed us fully for the vet bills. He has installed a gate on the deck, added the MUZZLE-type of leash to the dog, and ALSO has on the dog a shock collar....which brings me to my question- if I am beating the dog with a metal pogo stick, and the shock collar is activated by his owner, will the electric (no, propane, you fool!) shock travel the pogo stick and get me? Husband is happy with the improvements to the Bad Dog (!), but I am not of 100% guarantee faith.
Said Bad Dog can be released through owner negligence......some one please answer my question!
Should I just be: 1) standing in a bucket of water when the beating starts or 2) always be wearing rubber soled shoes to be grounded?



Oh the confusion of the laws of electricity!

more later,
Carrie

Many Thanks to TRAMP( for the help: from PICNIC )- excellant writer, don't miss him at 'tramps riverbank'

If a dog was the teacher you would learn stuff like: When loved ones come home, always run to greet them.
Never pass up the opportunity to go for a joyride. Allow the experience of fresh air and the wind in your face to be pure ecstasy. When it's in your best interest, practice obedience.
Let others know when they've invaded your territory. Take naps. Stretch before rising. Run, romp, and play daily. Thrive on attention and let people touch you. Avoid biting when a simple growl will do. On warm days, stop to lie on your back in the grass. On hot days, drink lots of water and lie under a shady tree. When you're happy, dance around and wag your entire body. No matter how often you're scolded, don't buy into the guilt thing and pout..run right back and make friends. Delight in the simple joy of a long walk. Eat with gusto and enthusiasm. Stop when you have had enough. Be loyal. Never pretend to be something you're not. If what you want lies buried, dig until you find it. When someone is having a bad day, be silent, sit close by and nuzzle them gently.
I wasn't born to follow.....

Soccer games in full swing

Good Morning All...( 2 of you, I am being hopeful)

Soccer is in full 'kick'...daughter just finished her indoor game ( they won) and now I have son and daughter playing at 2 different fields at the same time, husband is vacationing in Wisconsin ( University of) - he calls it work because it is football spring training, I call it a beer drinking, telling jokes, watching some football film, watching football practice, dont forget the final four starts tonight, VACATION.... could I be wrong?

Found the receipt for his new fishing license. In the state of PA it costs $41 to throw a line in the water with a hook on it.....doesn't matter if you catch a fish or not, why don't they wait until the end of the season and charge by what you caught, instead of in the beginning and charging for what you aren't going to catch? Last time I checked, I wasn't married to a Pro Fisherman......speaking of fantasy husbands....* there goes that mind of mine again, be right back, have to catch it*....It would be Ty Pennington, to fix my home, Brett Favre to play football with my son, Bill Gates to afford my daughters CD's that she wants to always buy, someone who is gay to decorate my home and Emirel Lagassi to cook our dinner......dreamy list, isn't it? ha ha...at least I have one good laugh for the day!


Enjoy your weekend,


ps- does any one know how I can paste a joke from my email into my blog>?