funnies

An old man, Mr. Goldstein, was living the last of his life in a nursingHome.One day he appeared to be very sad and depressed. Nurse Tracy asked ifThere was anything wrong."Yes, Nurse Tracy," said Mr. Goldstein, "My Private Part died today, and IAm very sad."Knowing her patients were forgetful and sometimes a little crazy, sheReplied, "Oh, I'm so sorry, Mr. Goldstein, please accept my condolences.The following day, Mr Goldstein was walking down the hall with hisPrivate Part hanging out his pajamas, when he met Nurse Tracy."Mr. Goldstein," she said, "You shouldn't be walking down the hall likeThat.. Please put your Private Part back inside your pajamas."But, Nurse Tracy," replied Mr. Goldstein, " I told you yesterday that myPrivate Part died.""Yes, you did tell me that, but why is it hanging out of your pajamas?"You gotta love this!!!!!!!!!!!"Well, he replied, "Today's the viewing."

Get ready for Football Season!!!

I am gearing the family up for football- what this means, in the simplest form, is that husband will soon be all embedded in thoughts of football and not much else. Often I have told my friends that I believe I could have affairs August-December, and he would not notice as long as the team is winning. I am suspending my computer studies while football is going on, so the kids have someone to come home to after school. ( not a big sacrifice, remember, I am a PEOPLE PERSON!)

So, I wanted to share a thought on football, before the season kicks off into high gear.....


The word "genius" isn't applicable in football. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein." --Joe Theisman, NFL football quarterback & sports analyst.

checking in

Off to those dreaded microsoft classes again....I have discovered that in addition to the mandatory 6 hours I sit in class ( and the time spent driving back and forth) I am required to put in at least another 6 hours doing interactive work from home. THEY should PAY ME!!!

Hope the summer is treating all well.

Glad I was out of town with the ridiculous coverage of BEN's motorcycle accident. ( Proof that GOD is a Stealer fan- first the Super Bowl, then the accident.)

Wrapping up my time with the GOlf Course...I will miss the golfers I have met in my short time there, and hope to return intermittently over the summer for my necessary 'people' fix.

I start my new job on 7-5-06....I'll be in an office all by myself. Maybe have more time to blog! ha ha

Tramp- planning a weekend visit with the wife- let me know when the beer and boat are ready!

ponderings while I recover from the visit with the parents

1. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me either. Just pretty much leave me the hell alone.
2. It's always darkest before dawn. So if you're going to steal your neighbor's newspaper, that's the time to do it.
3. Sex is like air -- it's not important unless you aren't getting any.
4. No one is listening until you fart.
5. If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car payments.
6. Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away, and you have their shoes.
7. If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you. 8. Give a man a fish, and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
9. If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was worth it.
10. Don't worry--It only seems kinky the first time.
11. Good judgment comes from bad experience, and a lot of that comes from bad judgment.
12. There are two theories about arguing with women. Neither one works.
13. Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
14. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night

Interesting GEOGRAPHY Facts
Alaska
More than half of the coastline of the entire United States is in Alaska.
Amazon
The Amazon rainforest produces more than 20% of the world's oxygen supply. The Amazon River pushes so much water into the Atlantic Ocean that, more than one hundred miles at sea off the mouth of the river, one can dip fresh water out of the ocean. The volume of water in the Amazon river is greater than the next eight largest rivers in the world combined and three times the flow of all rivers in the United States.
Antarctica
Antarctica is the only land on our planet that is not owned by any country. Ninety percent of the world's ice covers Antarctica. This ice also represents seventy percent of all the fresh water in the world. As strange as it sounds, however, Antarctica is essentially a desert. The average yearly total precipitation is about two inches Although covered with ice (all but 0.4% of it, i.e.), Antarctica is the driest place on the planet, with an absolute humidity lower than the Gobi desert.
Brazil
Brazil got its name from the nut, not the other way around.
Canada
Canada has more lakes than the rest of the world combined. Canada is an Indian word meaning "Big Village."
Chicago
Next to Warsaw, Chicago has the largest Polish population in the world.
Detroit
Woodward Avenue in Detroit, Michigan, carries the designation M-1, named so because it was the first paved road anywhere.
Damascus,
SyriaDamascus, Syria, was flourishing a couple of thousand years before Rome was founded in 753 BC, making it the oldest continuously inhabited city in existence.
Istanbul, Turkey
Turkey, is the only city in the world located on two continents.
Los Angeles
Los Angeles's full name is El Pueblo de Nuestra Senora la Reina de los Angeles de Porciuncula --and can be abbreviated to 3.63% of its size: L.A.
New York City
The term "The Big Apple" was coined by touring jazz musicians of the 1930's who used the slang expression "apple" for any town or city. Therefore, to play New York City is to play the big time - The Big Apple. There are more Irish in New York City than in Dublin, Ireland; more Italians in New York City than in Rome, Italy; and more Jews in New York City than in Tel Aviv, Israel.
Ohio
There are no natural lakes in the state of Ohio, every one is manmade.
Pitcairn Island
The smallest island with country status is Pitcairn in Polynesia, at just 1.75 sq. miles/4,53 sq. km.
Rome
The first city to reach a population of 1 million people was Rome, Italy in 133 B.C. There is a city called Rome on every continent.
Siberia
Siberia contains more than 25% of the world's forests.
S.M.O.M.
The actual smallest sovereign entity in the world is the Sovereign Military Order of Malta (S.M.O.M.). It is located in the city of Rome, Italy, has an area of two tennis courts, and as of 2001 has a population of 80, 20 less people than the Vatican. It is a sovereign entity under international law, just as the Vatican is.
Sahara Desert
In the Sahara Desert, there is a town named Tidikelt, which did not receive a drop of rain for ten years. Technically though, the driest place on Earth is in the valleys of the Antarctic near Ross Island. There has been no rainfall there for two million years.

Spain
Spain literally means 'the land of rabbits.'
St. Paul, Minnesota
St. Paul, Minnesota, was originally called Pig's Eye after a man named Pierre "Pig's Eye" Parrant who set up the first business there.
Roads
Chances that a road is unpaved in the U.S.A.: 1%, in Canada: 75%
Texas
The deepest hole ever made in the world is in Texas. It is as deep as 20 empire state buildings but only 3 inches wide.
United States
The Eisenhower interstate system requires that one-mile in every five must be straight. These straight sections are usable as airstrips in times of war or other emergencies.
Waterfalls
The water of Angel Falls (the World's highest) in Venezuela drops 3,212 feet (979 meters). They are 15 times higher than Niagara Falls. So, didn't it feel good to learn something new today???

I have always said you should learn something new every day. Unfortunately, most of us are at that age where what we learn today, we forget tomorrow.
But, give it a shot anyway!............

Funnies to tide you over

There are two times when a man doesn't understand a woman: Before marriage and after marriage


Reason Why It's So Hard To Solve A Redneck Murder: All the DNA is the same


Women and cats will do as they please, and men and dogs should relax and get used to the idea.


>Three friends from the local congregation were asked, "When you're in your casket, and friends and congregation members are mourning over you, what would you like them to say?" Artie said: "I would like them to say I was a wonderful husband, a fine spiritual leader, and a great family man." Eugene commented: "I would like them to say I was a wonderful teacher and servant of God who made a huge difference in people's lives." Al said: "I'd like them to say, "Look, he's moving!"


John was on his deathbed and gasped pitifully. "Give me one last request, dear," he said. "Of course, John," his wife said softly. "Six months after I die," he said, "I want you to marry Bob." "But I thought you hated Bob," she said. With his last breath John said, "I do!"


A man goes to see the Rabbi. "Rabbi, something terrible is happening and I have to talk to you about it." The Rabbi asked, "What's wrong?" The man replied, "My wife is poisoning me." The Rabbi, very surprised by this, asks, "How can that be?" The man then pleads, "I'm telling you, I'm certain she's poisoning me, what should I do?" The Rabbi then offers, "Tell you what. Let me talk to her, I'll see what I can find out and I'll let you know." A week later the Rabbi calls the man and says, "Well, I spoke to your wife. I spoke to her on the phone for three hours. You want my advice? Take the poison!"

Read all about it

Whilest I am away from thy dear beloved blog - your quality of amusement need not suffer. Remember to visit www.trampsriverbank.blogspot.com for your daily fix of amusement and well thought out verse.

Microsoft Classes underway

End of school today for the kindergartner and the third grader. beginning of school for their old Mom. I started down the road to my MOS certification. In my class that will last until the end of September ( meeting 2 times a week for 3 hours each) are 5 of us. 3 of us are old airline people. all of us are over 40. ( reading glasses on all but the instructor.)

WHY am I studying computers?
I AM a people person. That has become apparent in the fact that I have totally enjoyed being with the golfers these last few months.

Please think positive thoughts for me as I finish what I have started, and hope to find computer work with people. Maybe I can become an instructor of this damn thing!

Off to the parents for awhile. Traveling with the in-laws and the dog, and the kids and the husband. Is there possibly enough room for the wine I wil need?

Mom is doing well, her sense of humor is heightened with the news of her Alzheimers. This is the best lesson a mother can teach a child. Face adversity, laugh all the way.

Will return to the blog sometime after the 20th of June. Be careful on those motorcycles- look twice- and have fun. Keep the beer cold, I am heading to the flat land ( Ohio ) for a good friend fix soon. You have been warned.

Really Good Philosophy

The Mayonnaise Jar and the 2 Cups of Coffee
>>>
>>>When things in your life seem almost too much to handle, when 24
>>>hours in a day are not enough, remember the mayonnaise jar and the 2
>>>cups of coffee.
>>>
>>>A professor stood before his philosophy class and had some items in
>>>front of him. When the class began, he wordlessly picked up a very
>>>large and empty mayonnaise jar and proceeded to fill it with golf
>>>balls. He then asked the students if the jar was full. They agreed
>>>that it was.
>>>
>>>The professor then picked up a box of pebbles and poured them into
>>>the jar. He shook the jar lightly. The pebbles rolled into the open
>>>areas between the golf balls. He then asked the students again if the

>>>jar was full. They agreed that it was.
>>>
>>>The professor next picked up a box of sand and poured it into the
>>>jar. Of course, the sand filled up everything else. He asked once
>>>more if the jar was full. The students responded with a unanimous
>>>"yes."
>>>
>>>The professor then produced two cups of coffee from under the table
>>>and poured the entire contents into the jar effectively filling the
>>>empty space between the sand. The students laughed.
>>>
>>>"Now," said the professor as the laughter subsided, "I want you to
>>>recognize that this jar represents your life. The golf balls are the
>>>important things--God, your family, your children, your health, your
>>>friends and your favorite passions--and if everything else was lost
>>>and only they remained, your life would still be full. The pebbles
>>>are the other things that matter like your job, your house and your
>>>car. The sand is everything else--the small stuff."
>>>
>>>"If you put the sand into the jar first," he continued, "there is no
>>>room for the pebbles or the golf balls. The same goes for life. If
>>>you spend all your time and energy on the small stuff you will never
>>>have room for the things that are important to you.
>>>
>>>"Pay attention to the things that are critical to your happiness.
>>>Play with your children. Take time to get medical checkups. Take your

>>>spouse out to dinner. Play another 18. There will always be time to
>>>clean the house and fix the disposal. Take care of the golf balls
>>>first--the things that really matter. Set your priorities. The rest
>>>is just sand."
>>>
>>>One of the students raised her hand and inquired what the coffee
>>>represented. The professor smiled. "I'm glad you asked. It just goes
>>>to show you that no matter how full your life may seem, there's
>>>always room for a couple of cups of coffee with a friend."
>>>
>>>
>>>>>
>>

Starbucks coffee cups

Starbuck's coffee has quotes. This one is a good one. Don't agree with the paper she writes for, but it is a good thought.

From the New York Times Columnist Maureen Dowd:

" The minute you settle for less than you deserve, you get even less than you settled for."

wise words....DON"T SETTLE...Don't sell your self short, and never be afraid of a little hard work. that's my quote.

Vinegar

My eye doctor told me yesterday that people's eyes yellowing is a natural age thing - but one of the reasons, is that the white part of your ey e is actually creating calluses to protect it from irratants. ( dust, pollen, etc....anything in the air)....

Got me to thinking of all the chemicals that are put into 'cleaning' products. So a little research found a website to help ....versatile vingegar.org is a great website with lots of ideas for cleaning. Not to mention how cheap white vinegar is. I will be using natural items now to clean my home. Save money- great ideas!

My fortune for today

One of my New Year's resolutions was to become more computer savvy-not a Bill Gates, but able to understand daughter when she talks about her third grade computer class. One of my first things to do was to create a personal page from a search engine. I have 2. One is on MSN and the other IWON. ( feel free to send me other search engines where I can practice setting up personal preferences)

So one of the things I picked to be shown on my iwon page is " fortune for the day"
Today, I got a flash from the past of my airline days...Truly- it said" You will have chicken today"..... remember Flight Attendants waddling down the aisle....cackling out " Chicken or Beef"? What kind of fortune is that?

Local Pittsburgh news, some lady was caught shoplifting groceries, so she tossed off her clothes and ran into the streets naked. She is now being housed at the Local Psych ward.
Maybe she could write my fortunes for the day. If she said I was having chicken, I would be pretty sure she had been to the grocery store!



oh well, school is winding down for my kids, and I am starting class on the same night they end. I am starting that Microsoft Office Specialist class. I'll surface again in October hoping to do more than type ! heee heee