This blog is over, done, finite!

Hello Friends! ( and other readers who found me by mistake) After much thought, and maybe a beer or two for courage, I will not be adding commentary to this little drivel blog anymore....I will be contributing as often as he will include me on : TRAMPS RIVERBANK..... I find myself wanting to read the hard work of others and make completely half baked, half witted, sarcastic comments....it is much easier that way..... Also, I have been let in on a great secret blog and since I want to share all the humor I find, be sure to check out: carbolicsmokeblog.blogspot.com it is a funny, funny blog! See you around, thanks for spending time with me! Now go to those other, better, funnier blogs!

Washington Post and Limericks

Subject: Fw: Limerick Contest

The Washington Post runs a weekly contest in its Style section called the"Style Invitational." The requirements this week were to use the two wordsLewinsky (the Intern) and Kaczynski (the Unabomber) in the same limerick.
Remember, the following winning entries were printed in the newspaper:
Third place:
There once was a girl named Lewinsky
Who played on a flute like Stravinsky
'Twas "Hail to the Chief"
On this flute made of beef
That stole the front page from Kaczynski.

Second place:
Said Clinton to young Ms. Lewinsky,
"We don't want to leave clues like Kaczynski
Since you made such a mess,
Use the hem of your dress
And please wipe that stuff off your chinsky."

And the winning entry:
Lewinsky and Clinton have shown
What Kaczynski must surely have known
That an intern is better
Than a bomb in a letter
When deciding how best to be blown

Jerry Seinfeld Quotes

30 Funniest Jerry Seinfeld Quotes



· I was the best man at the wedding. If I'm the best man, why is she marrying him?
· It's amazing that the amount of news that happens in the world every day always just exactly fits the newspaper.
· What is a date really, but a job interview that lasts all night? The only difference is that in not many job interviews is there a chance you'll wind up naked.
· You know you're getting old when you get that one candle on the cake. It's like, "See if you can blow this out."
· Men want the same thing from their underwear that they want from women: a little bit of support, and a little bit of freedom.
· Dogs are the leaders of the planet. If you see two life forms, one of them's making a poop, the other one's carrying it for him, who would you assume is in charge.
· Now they show you how detergents take out bloodstains, a pretty violent image there. I think if you've got a T-shirt with a bloodstain all over it, maybe laundry isn't your biggest problem.Maybe you should get rid of the body before you do the wash.


· That's the true spirit of Christmas; people being helped by people other than me
· There's very little advice in men's magazines, because men don't think there's a lot they don't know. Women do. Women want to learn. Men think, "I know what I'm doing, just show me somebody naked."
· According to most studies, people's number one fear is public speaking. Number two is death. Death is number two. Does that sound right? This means to the average person, if you go to a funeral, you're better off in the casket than doing the eulogy.
· Sometimes the road less traveled is less traveled for a reason
· The Swiss have an interesting army. Five hundred years without a war. Pretty impressive. Also pretty lucky for them. Ever see that little Swiss Army knife they have to fight with? Not much of a weapon there. Corkscrews. Bottle openers. "Come on, buddy, let's go. You get past me, the guy in back of me, he's got a spoon. Back off. I've got the toe clippers right here."
· Why do people give each other flowers? To celebrate various important occasions, they're killing living creatures? Why restrict it to plants? "Sweetheart, let's make up. Have this deceased squirrel."
· Why do they call it a "building"? It looks like they're finished. Why isn't it a "built"?
· People who read the tabloids deserve to be lied to
· Seems to me the basic conflict between men and women, sexually, is that men are like firemen. To men, sex is an emergency, and no matter what we're doing we can be ready in two minutes. Women, on the other hand, are like fire. They're very exciting, but the conditions have to be exactly right for it to occur.
· The big advantage of a book is it's very easy to rewind. Close it and you're right back at the beginning.
· I have a friend who's collecting unemployment insurance. This guy has never worked so hard in his life as he has to keep this thing going. He's down there every week, waiting on the lines and getting interviewed and making up all these lies about looking for jobs. If they had any idea of the effort and energy that he is expending to avoid work, I'm sure they'd give him a raise.
· To me, a lawyer is basically the person that knows the rules of the country. We're all throwing the dice, playing the game, moving our pieces around the board, but if there is a problem the lawyer is the only person who has read the inside of the top of the box.
· Men don't care what's on TV. They only care what else is on TV.
· The idea behind the tuxedo is the woman's point of view that men are all the same; so we might as well dress them that way. That's why a wedding is like the joining together of a beautiful, glowing bride and some guy. The tuxedo is a wedding safety device, created by women because they know that men are undependable. So in case the groom chickens out, everybody just takes one step over, and she marries the next guy.
· My parents didn't want to move to Florida, but they turned sixty, and that's the law.
· I will never understand why they cook on TV. I can't smell it. Can't eat it. Can't taste it. The end of the show they hold it up to the camera, "Well, here it is. You can't have any. Thanks for watching. Goodbye."
· Somebody just gave me a shower radio. Thanks a lot. Do you really want music in the shower? I guess there's no better place to dance than a slick surface next to a glass door.
· See, the thing of it is, there's a lot of ugly people out there walking around but they don't know they're ugly because nobody actually tells them.
· What would the world be like if people said whatever they were thinking, all the time, whenever it came to them? How long would a blind date last? About 13 seconds, I think. "Oh, sorry, your rear end is too big." "That's ok, your breath stinks anyway. See you later."
· You know what I never get with the limo? The tinted windows. Is that so people don't see you? Yeah, what a better way not to have people notice you than taking a thirty foot Cadillac with a TV antenna and a uniformed driver. How discreet. Nobody cares who's in the limo. You see a limo go by, you know it's either some rich jerk or fifty prom kids with $1.75 each.
· You can measure distance by time. "How far away is it?" "Oh about 20 minutes." But it doesn't work the other way. "When do you get off work?" "Around 3 miles."
· Are there keys to a plane? Maybe that's what those delays are sometimes, when you're just sitting there at the gate. Maybe the pilot sits up there in the cockpit going, "Oh, I don't believe this. Dammit..I did it again." They tell you it's something mechanical because they don't want to come on the P.A. system, "Ladies and gentlemen, we're going to be delayed here on the ground for a while. I uh..Oh, God this is so embarrassing...I, I left the keys to the plane in my apartment. They're in this big ashtray by the front door. I'm sorry, I'll run back and get them."
· I once had a leather jacket that got ruined in the rain. Why does moisture ruin leather? Aren't cows outside a lot of the time? When it's raining, do cows go up to the farmhouse, "Let us in! We're all wearing leather! Open the door! We're going to ruin the whole outfit here!"

Government and Raising children

The government recently calculated the cost of raising a child from birth to 18 and came up with $160,140 for a middle income family.
Talk about sticker shock!
That doesn't even touch college tuition.
But $160,140 isn't so bad if you break it down.
It translates into:* $8,896.66 a year,* $741.38 a month, or * $171.08 a week.* That's a mere $24.24 a day!* Just over a dollar an hour.
Still, you might think the best financial advice is don't have children if you want to be "rich."

Actually, it is just the opposite. What do you get for your $160,140?*
Naming rights. First, middle, and last!
* Glimpses of God every day.*
Giggles under the covers every night.
* More love than your heart can hold.
* Butterfly kisses and Velcro hugs.
* Endless wonder over rocks, ants, clouds, and warm cookies.
* A hand to hold, usually covered with jelly or chocolate.
* A partner for blowing bubbles, flying kites
* Someone to laugh yourself silly with, no matter what the boss saidor how your stocks performed that day.
For $160,140, you never have to grow up.
You get to:* finger-paint, * carve pumpkins,* play hide-and-seek,* catch lightning bugs, and* never stop believing in Santa Claus.
You have an excuse to:* keep reading the Adventures of Piglet and Pooh, * watching Saturday morning cartoons,* going to Disney movies, and* wishing on stars.
* You get to frame rainbows, hearts, and flowers under refrigerator magnets and collect spray painted noodle wreaths for Christmas,hand prints set in clay for Mother's Day, and cards with backward letters forFather's Day.
For $160,140, there is no greater bang for your buck. You get to be ahero just for:* retrieving a Frisbee off the garage roof, * taking the training wheels off a bike,* removing a splinter,* filling a wading pool,* coaxing a wad of gum out of bangs, and coaching a baseball team thatnever wins but always gets treated to ice cream regardless.
You get a front row seat to history to witness the:
* first step,* first word,* first bra,* first date, and* first time behind the wheel.

You get to be immortal.
You get another branch added to your familytree, and if you're lucky, a long list of limbs in your obituarycalled grandchildren and great grandchildren.
You get an education inpsychology, nursing, criminal justice, communications, and human sexuality that no college can match.

In the eyes of a child, you rank right up there under God. You have all the power to heal a boo-boo, scare away the monsters under the bed, patch a broken heart, police a slumber party, ground them forever, and love them without limits.



So . . one day they will, likeyou, love without counting the cost. That is quite a deal for theprice!!!!!!!



Love & enjoy your children & grandchildren!!!

Fine Dining Red Neck style

Subject: Fine Dining


The Redneck saw the sign at the restaurant It read: Happy Hour Special:


"Lobster tail & Beer."



"Ah ," he says , "My 3 favorite things! "

GOOD IDEA, especially if you have a trigger lock on your GLOCK

A GOOD PIECE OF INFORMATION

Subject: Use Of The Alarm System In Your Car
This is a really clever idea.
>>>
Next time you come home for the night and you go to put your car keys away, think of doing this:
It's a security alarm system that you probably already have and requires no installation. Start keeping your car keys next to your bed on the night stand
when you go to bed at night. If you think someone is trying to get into your house, or if you hear a noise outside your house, just press the panic alarm on your car key chain.
Test it! It will go off from most everywhere inside your house and will keep honking until your battery runs down or until you reset it with the
button on the key fob chain. It works if you park in your driveway or garage. If your car alarm goes off when someone is trying to break into
your house, odds are the burglar or rapist won't stick around ... after a few seconds all the neighbors will be looking out their windows to see
who is out there and sure enough the criminal won't want that. Try yours to make sure it works before you rely on it. Just know that
you must press the alarm button again to turn it off. And remember to carry your keys while walking to your car in a
parking lot. The alarm can work the same way there . This is something that should really be shared with everyone.
Maybe it could save a life or a sexual abuse crime.

Or at the least give you time to take the trigger lock off and get them in your sights!

Great Sarcasm in Uniform

This is one of the funniest diatribes I have ever seen written. And yes, I gladly admit that most of the people I work with think this way- even ME on an occasional bad day.



Flight attendants are all the same. We deal with the same crap, just in different uniforms. We point to the same exits, and we say the same things. "I'll be right back," said by any flight attendant, on any airline, on any day, means the same thing: F You! Often times, passengers are like badly behaving children, and you just wanna spank them, just like that lady who beat her child in the K-Mart parking lot a few years back. "All my friends who fly on AMERICAN get to hold their over sized luggage on their laps while sitting in an exit row." Oh yeah? Well, listen mister. As long as you're under my fuselage, you're gonna follow my rules. And I don't care what other flight attendants let your friends do!
But sometimes they're completely unassuming and innocent. You know the ones - you're coming down the aisle with your beverage cart and they want to pay you a dollar for their coke, and you just have to say to them, "I can't take that dollar from you. It's two-fifty." And then they tip you on top of it. Let's talk about the seat belt sign for a minute, shall we? The minute it goes on they all decide to get out of their seats and use the bathroom. I wish I could invent a PA system that could direct my announcements to any one seat or lavatory. I'd never leave my jump seat. Let's say you have someone who goes into the bathroom after you've told them that the seat belt sign is on. Just go over to your jump seat panel and type in "aft lavatory 3L," and make your desired announcement. "Attention! This is the toilet speaking! Get your fat ass off me and get back to your seat! The seat belt sign is on! And I KNEW you dyed your hair!" Speaking of announcements, don't you just love it when one of the pilots blabs on about all sorts of technical crap? "We'll be landing on runway twenty-one right..." Like somebody is actually sitting there excited beyond belief, thinking, "Oh my God! That's my all time favorite runway!" I know I am. Passengers are very inquisitive, always with the questions. "What are we flying over?" Your luggage. "What's in the lasagna?" A free round trip ticket. "Will I make my connecting flight?" I'll be right back... I like to be up at the front door during passenger boarding. They say things like: "How old is this airplane?" It's the Wright Brother's original, we just pieced it back together. "If you're oversold and need any volunteers, let us know." Oh, don't worry, you'll probably be removed for weight and balance anyway. "Twenty-one F and G?" Nice mouth, lady!
Or, they'll get it backwards. "B 21?" Damn, you sank my battleship. And then they look into the cockpit, with parents always trying to thrust their children on up there. "Oh honey, look. Look at the Captain. Look at all those switches. Go say hi. Go say hello, Ashley. Go on." Poor Ashley has no interest in all those switches, and usually ends up crying. Well, of course she's upset. She knows as soon as she gets up there that one of them will be asking her for their crew meal or for a cup of coffee. The pilots will just think that the airline has lowered the hiring age to seven and changed the uniform to Granimals. Yup, instead of a paper route like all the other kids, poor Ashley has to do a Chicago turn before dinner, then it's homework and off to bed. Nobody ever seems to notice the flight attendants during boarding, unless it's to throw away their half gallon Starbucks Coffee cups. They never ask us to take their picture in the galley while they pose next to the coffee maker. It's the same thing when they're leaving. "Thanks, great flight!" they say to the pilots, who did nothing but make annoying announcements the whole time. We're the ones who supplied them with enough salty snacks and carbonated beverages to give them rancid gas, bad enough to bring the masks down. I swear, sometimes I get so frustrated I point to the wrong exits just out of spite. And the sad thing is, nobody notices. Now we have to "brief" the exit rows prior to departure. They don't care, they don't even bother to look up. "In the event of an emergency..." No response. "Look for fire before opening the exit..." Faces hidden behind newspapers. "Death, destruction, bloody, severed limbs..." Still nothing. "And we've just canceled our Mileage program, all miles expire tonight at midnight." "What? Oh my God! We've got to get out of here!" Yeah, that always gets a reaction. Frequent Flier miles. Everything seems to be justified by how many miles they have. "Sir, you simply cannot be smacking around a flight attendant like that. It's against the law. What? You have Super Gold status? Yes, well, that IS a lot of miles. You certainly can slap a flight attendant, sir. Yes, you can. Here, let me get you another one, you can slap two of them with that kind of mileage." And don't ever make a joke about cutting their frequent flyer card in half. Trust me. Take their wife and children, but leave the card alone! Our work group is quite interesting, and very diverse. Take the more senior flight attendants. These women have been around since the flying boat. And God love 'em. They'll never retire. And I've come up with an invention so that they'll never have to. It's called FLIGHT ATTENDS. That's right, no more lagging beverage services because senior Betty is in the can again. No more jump seat accidents, or unsightly stains on their uniforms. I can just imagine that peeing-in-the-pool look on their faces when I ask them to pass me a 7UP. And pregnant flight attendants! What a brilliant idea! I tell you, if I were a woman I'd buy a maternity dress and have it with me at all times. As soon as I was on the plane, I'd slip it on and stuff myself so I would look about 8.5 months pregnant. I bet no one messes with me then! "Sir, we're out of the chicken, but I do have the lasagna." He would go to open his mouth to say something, as they always do, because we all know that not getting your first meal choice is the end of the world, and I would just start moaning and grabbing at my stomach. "Oh, I think my water just broke," I'd cry. I'd be invincible, they'd all be putty in the palm of my hands, because believe me, nobody wants to be responsible for killing your unborn baby. I'm so jealous. I just love it when you come down the aisle and they all have their headphones on. I don't even talk anymore, I just move my lips. Why waste my breath when they don't even take them off to hear what I'm saying? Okay, I'm standing in front of you with a beverage cart, what do you think I'm asking you? "Would you like your pap smear before or after dinner ma'am?" And then they scream really loudly, "What?!? What?!?" So to get back at them, I wear my Walkman while on the cart. I get to their row and I just scream, "What would you like to drink?!? What?!? What?!? I can't hear you!!!" Did you ever wonder about having to pay for drinks and movies? Well, I have a little secret for you: Those movies and drinks have always been free in economy! It's true! The flight attendants all got together one day and decided, "they're in economy, no one will ever know the difference-let's charge them and keep the money." Oh, and something else you should know. Those masks that drop down really don't work unless your in first class. Just FYI. I'm always amused when passengers think they're gonna get me fired. "I want your name. I WANT YOUR NAME!" Please, I didn't just fall off the catering truck yesterday. I'm union! I could torch your house in full uniform, and I'd still have my job. And if they persist, I will give them my name, followed by, "Go ahead and write, but you'd better hurry. This is my last flight. I gave my notice two weeks ago." The veins bulging on the sides of their necks make it all worth it. Passengers always seem to have these "quick questions." But the funny thing is, they never are. Twenty-five minutes later, I'm still wondering where the hell this diatribe-containing missing luggage, snowstorms, double miles, and ordering special meals-is going. "Oh, I'm sorry, we're out of time. Too bad you didn't get around to asking your `quick question.' But hold that thought, I'll be right back." Now that the airlines have dropped the fares to below Greyhound prices, a new breed of passenger has emerged. My dentist would have a field day with all the missing teeth. We're talking beer before nine AM and pre-Jenny Jones makeover candidates. "What do you mean there's no pillows, blankets, playing cards, wings, or food?" Listen. You're lucky we even have two engines. These people are paying ninety-nine dollars for a round trip coast to coast ticket, I'm making thirty per cent less every paycheck, and they want wings? Here, take mine! And now there's a new question that's reared it's ugly head: "What do you have?" Yes, the beverage cart question. Every row it's the same thing, like the selection will be different when I get to their row. "I'm sorry. If only you were seated in an even numbered row you could have had the Dr. Pepper. Your row's choices are Diet Rite Cola or cloudy tap water." "What do you have?" I'm medicated now, so it's no problem for me to recite the whole list three hundred times. "We have Pepsi, Diet Pepsi, 7UP, Diet 7UP, Ginger Ale ... here, slide over, this might take a while once I get to the liquor mini drawer." I've learned my lesson, but some flight attendants never do. When asked what we have, they'll respond, "Well, what would you like?" Big mistake. I've heard things like grape juice, Tang, Sunny D., casaba melon juice ... and then they always end up settling for-you guessed it- a Pepsi! And don't forget about the connection-slash-time change questions. "Oh my God! I've just been looking at my ticket, and we've got five minutes to make our connecting flight." "We're arriving ten minutes early, are you sure?" "Yes, it says so right here." "Chicago's on Central Time." A blank stare follows. "That means they're an hour behind New York." Still, nothing. "Yes, you'll make you're connection." "Will they hold the plane for us?" "Yes, they'll be waiting for you." But some things never change. Once the plane has landed, why is it that everybody has to get their bags out into the aisle and get into that half-seated, half-in-the-sprinting position like they're gonna run a race? We're still moving and some people even start to get up - excuse me, we're not even at the gate yet! Where are you gonna go? It's times like these that I wish I had an emergency brake located by my jump seat. The kind like they have on the subway. I would pull that thing so hard that people would be flying out the cockpit window. But unfortunately, Boeing and Airbus don't ask for flight attendant input on this type of thing. Or on anything, come to think of it. We're always in the media. "Flight Attendant confessions on the next Maury," "Flight Attendants who point to the exits with their middle fingers," "Flight Attendants admit doing the safety demo wrong on purpose, on the next Sally." Oprah's newest book club selection: "When Bad Passengers Happen to Good Flight Attendants." The new Learning Annex seminar: "Flight Attendants are from Mars, Passengers are from Hell." And then there's the family. Every year at Thanksgiving it's the same thing. "So, you're still with The Airlines?" What's with this "The Airlines" crap? I work for ONE AIRLINE, not ALL of them! "Well, I'm usually with UNITED, but last week AIR FRANCE called me, and you know the French, I just couldn't say no. Next thing I know, I'm on the Concord to Paris." And God forbid there's ever an accident, my mother will get so many calls. "Oh my God, I hope he's okay." "That was a Russian Airline. He works for United," she'll tell them. "Well, we know he's with THE AIRLINES, so we weren't sure. Are you sure he wasn't on it?" "Let me check," she'll say. "I'll be right back."