moon connection

This blog is over, done, finite!

2006-11-09T18:32:00.000-05:00

Hello Friends!

( and other readers who found me by mistake)

After much thought, and maybe a beer or two for courage, I will not be adding commentary to this little drivel blog anymore....I will be contributing as often as he will include me on : TRAMPS RIVERBANK.....

I find myself wanting to read the hard work of others and make completely half baked, half witted, sarcastic comments....it is much easier that way.....

Also, I have been let in on a great secret blog and since I want to share all the humor I find, be sure to check out:
carbolicsmokeblog.blogspot.com

it is a funny, funny blog!

See you around, thanks for spending time with me!

Now go to those other, better, funnier blogs!

Washington Post and Limericks

2006-10-16T13:19:00.000-05:00

Subject: Fw: Limerick Contest

The Washington Post runs a weekly contest in its Style section called the"Style Invitational." The requirements this week were to use the two wordsLewinsky (the Intern) and Kaczynski (the Unabomber) in the same limerick.
Remember, the following winning entries were printed in the newspaper:
Third place:
There once was a girl named Lewinsky
Who played on a flute like Stravinsky
'Twas "Hail to the Chief"
On this flute made of beef
That stole the front page from Kaczynski.

Second place:
Said Clinton to young Ms. Lewinsky,
"We don't want to leave clues like Kaczynski
Since you made such a mess,
Use the hem of your dress
And please wipe that stuff off your chinsky."

And the winning entry:
Lewinsky and Clinton have shown
What Kaczynski must surely have known
That an intern is better
Than a bomb in a letter
When deciding how best to be blown

Jerry Seinfeld Quotes

2006-10-15T11:57:00.000-05:00

30 Funniest Jerry Seinfeld Quotes

· I was the best man at the wedding. If I'm the best man, why is she marrying him?
· It's amazing that the amount of news that happens in the world every day always just exactly fits the newspaper.
· What is a date really, but a job interview that lasts all night? The only difference is that in not many job interviews is there a chance you'll wind up naked.
· You know you're getting old when you get that one candle on the cake. It's like, "See if you can blow this out."
· Men want the same thing from their underwear that they want from women: a little bit of support, and a little bit of freedom.
· Dogs are the leaders of the planet. If you see two life forms, one of them's making a poop, the other one's carrying it for him, who would you assume is in charge.
· Now they show you how detergents take out bloodstains, a pretty violent image there. I think if you've got a T-shirt with a bloodstain all over it, maybe laundry isn't your biggest problem.Maybe you should get rid of the body before you do the wash.

· That's the true spirit of Christmas; people being helped by people other than me
· There's very little advice in men's magazines, because men don't think there's a lot they don't know. Women do. Women want to learn. Men think, "I know what I'm doing, just show me somebody naked."
· According to most studies, people's number one fear is public speaking. Number two is death. Death is number two. Does that sound right? This means to the average person, if you go to a funeral, you're better off in the casket than doing the eulogy.
· Sometimes the road less traveled is less traveled for a reason
· The Swiss have an interesting army. Five hundred years without a war. Pretty impressive. Also pretty lucky for them. Ever see that little Swiss Army knife they have to fight with? Not much of a weapon there. Corkscrews. Bottle openers. "Come on, buddy, let's go. You get past me, the guy in back of me, he's got a spoon. Back off. I've got the toe clippers right here."
· Why do people give each other flowers? To celebrate various important occasions, they're killing living creatures? Why restrict it to plants? "Sweetheart, let's make up. Have this deceased squirrel."
· Why do they call it a "building"? It looks like they're finished. Why isn't it a "built"?
· People who read the tabloids deserve to be lied to
· Seems to me the basic conflict between men and women, sexually, is that men are like firemen. To men, sex is an emergency, and no matter what we're doing we can be ready in two minutes. Women, on the other hand, are like fire. They're very exciting, but the conditions have to be exactly right for it to occur.
· The big advantage of a book is it's very easy to rewind. Close it and you're right back at the beginning.
· I have a friend who's collecting unemployment insurance. This guy has never worked so hard in his life as he has to keep this thing going. He's down there every week, waiting on the lines and getting interviewed and making up all these lies about looking for jobs. If they had any idea of the effort and energy that he is expending to avoid work, I'm sure they'd give him a raise.
· To me, a lawyer is basically the person that knows the rules of the country. We're all throwing the dice, playing the game, moving our pieces around the board, but if there is a problem the lawyer is the only person who has read the inside of the top of the box.
· Men don't care what's on TV. They only care what else is on TV.
· The idea behind the tuxedo is the woman's point of view that men are all the same; so we might as well dress them that way. That's why a wedding is like the joining together of a beautiful, glowing bride and some guy. The tuxedo is a wedding safety device, created by women because they know that men are undependable. So in case the groom chickens out, everybody just takes one step over, and she marries the next guy.
· My parents didn't want to move to Florida, but they turned sixty, and that's the law.
· I will never understand why they cook on TV. I can't smell it. Can't eat it. Can't taste it. The end of the show they hold it up to the camera, "Well, here it is. You can't have any. Thanks for watching. Goodbye."
· Somebody just gave me a shower radio. Thanks a lot. Do you really want music in the shower? I guess there's no better place to dance than a slick surface next to a glass door.
· See, the thing of it is, there's a lot of ugly people out there walking around but they don't know they're ugly because nobody actually tells them.
· What would the world be like if people said whatever they were thinking, all the time, whenever it came to them? How long would a blind date last? About 13 seconds, I think. "Oh, sorry, your rear end is too big." "That's ok, your breath stinks anyway. See you later."
· You know what I never get with the limo? The tinted windows. Is that so people don't see you? Yeah, what a better way not to have people notice you than taking a thirty foot Cadillac with a TV antenna and a uniformed driver. How discreet. Nobody cares who's in the limo. You see a limo go by, you know it's either some rich jerk or fifty prom kids with $1.75 each.
· You can measure distance by time. "How far away is it?" "Oh about 20 minutes." But it doesn't work the other way. "When do you get off work?" "Around 3 miles."
· Are there keys to a plane? Maybe that's what those delays are sometimes, when you're just sitting there at the gate. Maybe the pilot sits up there in the cockpit going, "Oh, I don't believe this. Dammit..I did it again." They tell you it's something mechanical because they don't want to come on the P.A. system, "Ladies and gentlemen, we're going to be delayed here on the ground for a while. I uh..Oh, God this is so embarrassing...I, I left the keys to the plane in my apartment. They're in this big ashtray by the front door. I'm sorry, I'll run back and get them."
· I once had a leather jacket that got ruined in the rain. Why does moisture ruin leather? Aren't cows outside a lot of the time? When it's raining, do cows go up to the farmhouse, "Let us in! We're all wearing leather! Open the door! We're going to ruin the whole outfit here!"

Government and Raising children

2006-10-13T05:34:00.000-05:00

The government recently calculated the cost of raising a child from birth to 18 and came up with $160,140 for a middle income family.
Talk about sticker shock!
That doesn't even touch college tuition.
But $160,140 isn't so bad if you break it down.
It translates into:* $8,896.66 a year,* $741.38 a month, or * $171.08 a week.* That's a mere $24.24 a day!* Just over a dollar an hour.
Still, you might think the best financial advice is don't have children if you want to be "rich."

Actually, it is just the opposite. What do you get for your $160,140?*
Naming rights. First, middle, and last!
* Glimpses of God every day.*
Giggles under the covers every night.
* More love than your heart can hold.
* Butterfly kisses and Velcro hugs.
* Endless wonder over rocks, ants, clouds, and warm cookies.
* A hand to hold, usually covered with jelly or chocolate.
* A partner for blowing bubbles, flying kites
* Someone to laugh yourself silly with, no matter what the boss saidor how your stocks performed that day.
For $160,140, you never have to grow up.
You get to:* finger-paint, * carve pumpkins,* play hide-and-seek,* catch lightning bugs, and* never stop believing in Santa Claus.
You have an excuse to:* keep reading the Adventures of Piglet and Pooh, * watching Saturday morning cartoons,* going to Disney movies, and* wishing on stars.
* You get to frame rainbows, hearts, and flowers under refrigerator magnets and collect spray painted noodle wreaths for Christmas,hand prints set in clay for Mother's Day, and cards with backward letters forFather's Day.
For $160,140, there is no greater bang for your buck. You get to be ahero just for:* retrieving a Frisbee off the garage roof, * taking the training wheels off a bike,* removing a splinter,* filling a wading pool,* coaxing a wad of gum out of bangs, and coaching a baseball team thatnever wins but always gets treated to ice cream regardless.
You get a front row seat to history to witness the:
* first step,* first word,* first bra,* first date, and* first time behind the wheel.

You get to be immortal.
You get another branch added to your familytree, and if you're lucky, a long list of limbs in your obituarycalled grandchildren and great grandchildren.
You get an education inpsychology, nursing, criminal justice, communications, and human sexuality that no college can match.

In the eyes of a child, you rank right up there under God. You have all the power to heal a boo-boo, scare away the monsters under the bed, patch a broken heart, police a slumber party, ground them forever, and love them without limits.

So . . one day they will, likeyou, love without counting the cost. That is quite a deal for theprice!!!!!!!

Love & enjoy your children & grandchildren!!!

Fine Dining Red Neck style

2006-10-01T19:29:00.000-05:00

Subject: Fine Dining

The Redneck saw the sign at the restaurant It read: Happy Hour Special:

"Lobster tail & Beer."

"Ah ," he says , "My 3 favorite things! "

GOOD IDEA, especially if you have a trigger lock on your GLOCK

2006-09-26T06:28:00.000-05:00

A GOOD PIECE OF INFORMATION

Subject: Use Of The Alarm System In Your Car
This is a really clever idea.
>>>
Next time you come home for the night and you go to put your car keys away, think of doing this:
It's a security alarm system that you probably already have and requires no installation. Start keeping your car keys next to your bed on the night stand
when you go to bed at night. If you think someone is trying to get into your house, or if you hear a noise outside your house, just press the panic alarm on your car key chain.
Test it! It will go off from most everywhere inside your house and will keep honking until your battery runs down or until you reset it with the
button on the key fob chain. It works if you park in your driveway or garage. If your car alarm goes off when someone is trying to break into
your house, odds are the burglar or rapist won't stick around ... after a few seconds all the neighbors will be looking out their windows to see
who is out there and sure enough the criminal won't want that. Try yours to make sure it works before you rely on it. Just know that
you must press the alarm button again to turn it off. And remember to carry your keys while walking to your car in a
parking lot. The alarm can work the same way there . This is something that should really be shared with everyone.
Maybe it could save a life or a sexual abuse crime.

Or at the least give you time to take the trigger lock off and get them in your sights!

Great Sarcasm in Uniform

2006-09-19T05:23:00.000-05:00

This is one of the funniest diatribes I have ever seen written. And yes, I gladly admit that most of the people I work with think this way- even ME on an occasional bad day.

Flight attendants are all the same. We deal with the same crap, just in different uniforms. We point to the same exits, and we say the same things. "I'll be right back," said by any flight attendant, on any airline, on any day, means the same thing: F You! Often times, passengers are like badly behaving children, and you just wanna spank them, just like that lady who beat her child in the K-Mart parking lot a few years back. "All my friends who fly on AMERICAN get to hold their over sized luggage on their laps while sitting in an exit row." Oh yeah? Well, listen mister. As long as you're under my fuselage, you're gonna follow my rules. And I don't care what other flight attendants let your friends do!
But sometimes they're completely unassuming and innocent. You know the ones - you're coming down the aisle with your beverage cart and they want to pay you a dollar for their coke, and you just have to say to them, "I can't take that dollar from you. It's two-fifty." And then they tip you on top of it. Let's talk about the seat belt sign for a minute, shall we? The minute it goes on they all decide to get out of their seats and use the bathroom. I wish I could invent a PA system that could direct my announcements to any one seat or lavatory. I'd never leave my jump seat. Let's say you have someone who goes into the bathroom after you've told them that the seat belt sign is on. Just go over to your jump seat panel and type in "aft lavatory 3L," and make your desired announcement. "Attention! This is the toilet speaking! Get your fat ass off me and get back to your seat! The seat belt sign is on! And I KNEW you dyed your hair!" Speaking of announcements, don't you just love it when one of the pilots blabs on about all sorts of technical crap? "We'll be landing on runway twenty-one right..." Like somebody is actually sitting there excited beyond belief, thinking, "Oh my God! That's my all time favorite runway!" I know I am. Passengers are very inquisitive, always with the questions. "What are we flying over?" Your luggage. "What's in the lasagna?" A free round trip ticket. "Will I make my connecting flight?" I'll be right back... I like to be up at the front door during passenger boarding. They say things like: "How old is this airplane?" It's the Wright Brother's original, we just pieced it back together. "If you're oversold and need any volunteers, let us know." Oh, don't worry, you'll probably be removed for weight and balance anyway. "Twenty-one F and G?" Nice mouth, lady!
Or, they'll get it backwards. "B 21?" Damn, you sank my battleship. And then they look into the cockpit, with parents always trying to thrust their children on up there. "Oh honey, look. Look at the Captain. Look at all those switches. Go say hi. Go say hello, Ashley. Go on." Poor Ashley has no interest in all those switches, and usually ends up crying. Well, of course she's upset. She knows as soon as she gets up there that one of them will be asking her for their crew meal or for a cup of coffee. The pilots will just think that the airline has lowered the hiring age to seven and changed the uniform to Granimals. Yup, instead of a paper route like all the other kids, poor Ashley has to do a Chicago turn before dinner, then it's homework and off to bed. Nobody ever seems to notice the flight attendants during boarding, unless it's to throw away their half gallon Starbucks Coffee cups. They never ask us to take their picture in the galley while they pose next to the coffee maker. It's the same thing when they're leaving. "Thanks, great flight!" they say to the pilots, who did nothing but make annoying announcements the whole time. We're the ones who supplied them with enough salty snacks and carbonated beverages to give them rancid gas, bad enough to bring the masks down. I swear, sometimes I get so frustrated I point to the wrong exits just out of spite. And the sad thing is, nobody notices. Now we have to "brief" the exit rows prior to departure. They don't care, they don't even bother to look up. "In the event of an emergency..." No response. "Look for fire before opening the exit..." Faces hidden behind newspapers. "Death, destruction, bloody, severed limbs..." Still nothing. "And we've just canceled our Mileage program, all miles expire tonight at midnight." "What? Oh my God! We've got to get out of here!" Yeah, that always gets a reaction. Frequent Flier miles. Everything seems to be justified by how many miles they have. "Sir, you simply cannot be smacking around a flight attendant like that. It's against the law. What? You have Super Gold status? Yes, well, that IS a lot of miles. You certainly can slap a flight attendant, sir. Yes, you can. Here, let me get you another one, you can slap two of them with that kind of mileage." And don't ever make a joke about cutting their frequent flyer card in half. Trust me. Take their wife and children, but leave the card alone! Our work group is quite interesting, and very diverse. Take the more senior flight attendants. These women have been around since the flying boat. And God love 'em. They'll never retire. And I've come up with an invention so that they'll never have to. It's called FLIGHT ATTENDS. That's right, no more lagging beverage services because senior Betty is in the can again. No more jump seat accidents, or unsightly stains on their uniforms. I can just imagine that peeing-in-the-pool look on their faces when I ask them to pass me a 7UP. And pregnant flight attendants! What a brilliant idea! I tell you, if I were a woman I'd buy a maternity dress and have it with me at all times. As soon as I was on the plane, I'd slip it on and stuff myself so I would look about 8.5 months pregnant. I bet no one messes with me then! "Sir, we're out of the chicken, but I do have the lasagna." He would go to open his mouth to say something, as they always do, because we all know that not getting your first meal choice is the end of the world, and I would just start moaning and grabbing at my stomach. "Oh, I think my water just broke," I'd cry. I'd be invincible, they'd all be putty in the palm of my hands, because believe me, nobody wants to be responsible for killing your unborn baby. I'm so jealous. I just love it when you come down the aisle and they all have their headphones on. I don't even talk anymore, I just move my lips. Why waste my breath when they don't even take them off to hear what I'm saying? Okay, I'm standing in front of you with a beverage cart, what do you think I'm asking you? "Would you like your pap smear before or after dinner ma'am?" And then they scream really loudly, "What?!? What?!?" So to get back at them, I wear my Walkman while on the cart. I get to their row and I just scream, "What would you like to drink?!? What?!? What?!? I can't hear you!!!" Did you ever wonder about having to pay for drinks and movies? Well, I have a little secret for you: Those movies and drinks have always been free in economy! It's true! The flight attendants all got together one day and decided, "they're in economy, no one will ever know the difference-let's charge them and keep the money." Oh, and something else you should know. Those masks that drop down really don't work unless your in first class. Just FYI. I'm always amused when passengers think they're gonna get me fired. "I want your name. I WANT YOUR NAME!" Please, I didn't just fall off the catering truck yesterday. I'm union! I could torch your house in full uniform, and I'd still have my job. And if they persist, I will give them my name, followed by, "Go ahead and write, but you'd better hurry. This is my last flight. I gave my notice two weeks ago." The veins bulging on the sides of their necks make it all worth it. Passengers always seem to have these "quick questions." But the funny thing is, they never are. Twenty-five minutes later, I'm still wondering where the hell this diatribe-containing missing luggage, snowstorms, double miles, and ordering special meals-is going. "Oh, I'm sorry, we're out of time. Too bad you didn't get around to asking your `quick question.' But hold that thought, I'll be right back." Now that the airlines have dropped the fares to below Greyhound prices, a new breed of passenger has emerged. My dentist would have a field day with all the missing teeth. We're talking beer before nine AM and pre-Jenny Jones makeover candidates. "What do you mean there's no pillows, blankets, playing cards, wings, or food?" Listen. You're lucky we even have two engines. These people are paying ninety-nine dollars for a round trip coast to coast ticket, I'm making thirty per cent less every paycheck, and they want wings? Here, take mine! And now there's a new question that's reared it's ugly head: "What do you have?" Yes, the beverage cart question. Every row it's the same thing, like the selection will be different when I get to their row. "I'm sorry. If only you were seated in an even numbered row you could have had the Dr. Pepper. Your row's choices are Diet Rite Cola or cloudy tap water." "What do you have?" I'm medicated now, so it's no problem for me to recite the whole list three hundred times. "We have Pepsi, Diet Pepsi, 7UP, Diet 7UP, Ginger Ale ... here, slide over, this might take a while once I get to the liquor mini drawer." I've learned my lesson, but some flight attendants never do. When asked what we have, they'll respond, "Well, what would you like?" Big mistake. I've heard things like grape juice, Tang, Sunny D., casaba melon juice ... and then they always end up settling for-you guessed it- a Pepsi! And don't forget about the connection-slash-time change questions. "Oh my God! I've just been looking at my ticket, and we've got five minutes to make our connecting flight." "We're arriving ten minutes early, are you sure?" "Yes, it says so right here." "Chicago's on Central Time." A blank stare follows. "That means they're an hour behind New York." Still, nothing. "Yes, you'll make you're connection." "Will they hold the plane for us?" "Yes, they'll be waiting for you." But some things never change. Once the plane has landed, why is it that everybody has to get their bags out into the aisle and get into that half-seated, half-in-the-sprinting position like they're gonna run a race? We're still moving and some people even start to get up - excuse me, we're not even at the gate yet! Where are you gonna go? It's times like these that I wish I had an emergency brake located by my jump seat. The kind like they have on the subway. I would pull that thing so hard that people would be flying out the cockpit window. But unfortunately, Boeing and Airbus don't ask for flight attendant input on this type of thing. Or on anything, come to think of it. We're always in the media. "Flight Attendant confessions on the next Maury," "Flight Attendants who point to the exits with their middle fingers," "Flight Attendants admit doing the safety demo wrong on purpose, on the next Sally." Oprah's newest book club selection: "When Bad Passengers Happen to Good Flight Attendants." The new Learning Annex seminar: "Flight Attendants are from Mars, Passengers are from Hell." And then there's the family. Every year at Thanksgiving it's the same thing. "So, you're still with The Airlines?" What's with this "The Airlines" crap? I work for ONE AIRLINE, not ALL of them! "Well, I'm usually with UNITED, but last week AIR FRANCE called me, and you know the French, I just couldn't say no. Next thing I know, I'm on the Concord to Paris." And God forbid there's ever an accident, my mother will get so many calls. "Oh my God, I hope he's okay." "That was a Russian Airline. He works for United," she'll tell them. "Well, we know he's with THE AIRLINES, so we weren't sure. Are you sure he wasn't on it?" "Let me check," she'll say. "I'll be right back."

football updates

2006-09-17T06:01:00.000-05:00

( Believe it or not, I have about 10 faithful readers who request to receive my little updates from Husband's football team. I started doing this 4 years ago when a friend became too sick to attend the games, but wanted a recap- and my list has grown. I always think of him when the fall season starts, how much he enjoyed being able to read this. {He passed away 3 yrs ago.}Anyway- on with the news)

Good Saturday morning

Let's recap from last week- a resounding loss to Tj in the form of a final score 41-14. TJ played Elizabeth Forward this Thursday and at HALF time{TJ}was winning 41- nothing. Not so bad of us, now is it?

On to this Homecoming game.

Weather finally cooperated and stopped raining. Mild weather, not too cold, not too warm.

West Allegheny versus Montour. Coach had good feelings going into the game, with the plan to keep the running game strong to control the clock and minimize passing problems. ( ie INTERCEPTIONS)

Although, for the last touchdown of the game, our Quarterback completed a 70+ yd pass!

The strategy worked with the first W of the season, and a final score of 17-7.

Onto soccer games for the weekend. mild weather continues.....

Next week we play on Thursday night against Ambridge. It will be televised on the local FOX Sport News Network. We will be in attendance at home....

till then, I remain,
yours in yardage,
Moon Connection

9-11

2006-09-11T07:51:00.000-05:00

Today, the choice is simple- You either are an American, or you are not.

Parents were in town, and traveled to Shanksville, PA to see the United Flight 93 memorial. yesterday.

Most of the work( on the temporary memorial) was done there and still continues to be maintained by bikers from around the country. Thanks to you, and God Bless.

Hydrogen Peroxide

2006-08-27T19:55:00.000-05:00

The Health Benefits of Hydogen Peroxide
By Becky Ransey of Indiana
"I would like to tell you of the benefits of that plain little old bottle of 3% peroxide you can get for under $1.00 at any drug store. My husband has been in the medical field for over 36 years, and most doctors don't tell you about peroxide, or they would lose thousands of dollars."
1. Take one capful (the little white cap that comes with the bottle) and hold in your mouth for 10 minutes daily, then spit it out. (I do it when I bathe.)
No more canker sores and your teeth will be whiter without expensive pastes. Use it instead of mouthwash. (small print says mouth wash and gargle right on the bottle).
2. Let your toothbrushes soak in a cup of "Peroxide" to keep them free of germs.
3. Clean your counters, table tops with peroxide to kill germs and leave a fresh smell. Simply put a little on your dishrag when you wipe, or spray it on the counters.
4. After rinsing off your wooden cutting board, pour peroxide on it to kill salmonella and other bacteria.
5. I had a fungus on my feet for years - until I sprayed a 50/50 mixture of peroxide and water on them (especially the toes) every night and let dry.
6. Soak any infections or cuts in 3% peroxide for five to ten minutes several times a day. My husband has seen gangrene that would not heal with any medicine, but was healed by soaking in peroxide.
8. Fill a spray bottle with a 50/50 mixture of peroxide and water and keep it in every bathroom to disinfect without harming your septic system like bleach or most other disinfectants will.
9. Tilt your head back and spray into nostrils with your 50/50 mixturewhenever you have a cold, or plugged sinuses. It will bubble and help to kill the bacteria. Hold for a few minutes then blow your nose into a tissue.
10. If you have a terrible toothache and cannot get to a dentist right away, put a capful of 3% peroxide into your mouth and hold it for ten minutes several times a day. The pain will lessen greatly.
11. And of course, if you like a natural look to your hair, spray the 50/50 solution on your wet hair after a shower and comb it through. You will not have the peroxide burnt blonde hair like the hair dye packages, but more natural highlights if your hair is a light brown, faddish, or dirty blonde. It also lightens gradually so it's not a drastic change.
12. Put half of a bottle of peroxide in your bath to help rid boils, fungus, or other skin infections.
13. You can also add a cup of peroxide instead of bleach to a load of whites in your laundry to whiten them. If there is blood on clothing, pour directly on the soiled spot. Let it sit for a minute, then rub it and rinse with cold water. Repeat if necessary.
14. I use peroxide to clean my mirrors with, and there is no smearing which is why I love it so much for this.I could go on and on.
It is a little brown bottle no home should be without! With prices of most necessities rising, I'm glad there's a way to save tons of money in such a simple, healthy manner. Send on to others who might need to know the benefits of 3% peroxide

I am a big reader, and LOVE learning new things...

2006-08-13T10:31:00.000-05:00

To all who love the language

This year's 10 winners of the Bulwer-Lytton contest, aka "Dark and Stormy Night Contest" (run by the English Dept. of San Jose State University) wherein one writes only the first line of a bad novel:
10) "As a scientist, Throckmorton knew that if he were ever to break wind in the echo chamber, he would never hear the end of it.
"9) "Just beyond the Narrows, the river widens.
"8) "With a curvaceous figure that Venus would have envied, a tanned, unblemished oval face framed with lustrous thick brown hair, deep azure-blue eyes fringed with long black lashes, perfect teeth that vied for competition, and a small straight nose, Marilee had a beauty that defied description.
"7)"Andre, a simple peasant, had only one thing on his mind as he crept along the East wall: 'Andre creep... Andre creep... Andre creep.'
"6) "Stanislaus Smedley, a man always on the cutting edge of narcissism, was about to give his body and soul to a back alley sex-change surgeon to become the woman he loved."
5)"Although Sarah had an abnormal fear of mice, it did not keep her from seeking out a living at a local pet store."
4) "Stanley looked quite bored and somewhat detached, but then penguins often do."
3) "Like an over-ripe beefsteak tomato rimmed with cottage cheese, the corpulent remains of Santa Claus lay dead on the hotel floor.
"2) "Mike Hardware was the kind of private eye who didn't know the meaning of the word 'fear'; a man who could laugh in the face of danger and spit in the eye of death -- in short, a moron with suicidal tendencies."AND THE WINNER IS
...1) "The sun oozed over the horizon, shoved aside darkness, crept along the greensward, and, with sickly fingers, pushed through the castle window, revealing the pillaged princess, hand at throat, crown asunder, gaping in frenzied horror at the sated, sodden amphibian lying beside her, disbelieving the magnitude of the frog's deception, screaming madly, 'You lied!"

GREAT LITERARY TAUNTS"I feel so miserable without you, it's almost like having you here." -- Stephen Bishop
A modest little person, with much to be modest about." --- Winston Churchill (about Clement Atlee)
"I've just learned about his illness. Let's hope it's nothing trivial." --- Irvin S.Â Cobb
I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with great pleasure."--- Clarence Darrow
He has never been known to use a word that might send a reader to the dictionary."--William Faulkner (about Ernest Hemingway)
"He is not only dull himself, he is the cause of dullness in others." --- Samuel Johnson
He had delusions of adequacy."--- Walter Kerr
"I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it."--- Groucho Marx
"They never open their mouths without subtracting from the sum of human knowledge." --- Thomas Brackett Reed My personal favorite!!!
"He loves nature in spite of what it did to him." --- Forrest Tucker
I didn't attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it." --- Mark Twain
"His mother should have thrown him away and kept the stork." --- Mae West

Motorcycle truths and tragedies

2006-08-11T20:03:00.000-05:00

I have a story to share...not a story as in " Once upon a time".....
My cousins' son died Tuesday. Motorcycle. Semi-truck. Deer. Wisconsin. Those are all the details we know at the present time. ( although I am sure more details have been discovered, or figured out, and just not passed on to me yet). He was the motorcycle rider. Tuesday night was a beautiful 99% full moon, and as I came out of class that night, I remember saying a little phrase I would say to my children when they were smaller. " I see the Moon, and the Moon sees me, God Bless the Moon and God Bless Me". I wish I had known to include Wes in my simple little prayer that night. Maybe He did know, and a worse fate lie down the road for my second cousin, and that is why he is now at rest with my Lord. Another dimension that adds pain to the situation is the age of Wes. He was 23....same age as my brother, John, who was also killed on a motorcycle, doing a friend a favor. ( His friend had wrecked his bike, and was only worried about his helmet, so my brother went back on his motorcycle to retrieve it....foggy night, cement curb, end of story. Knowing my brother, he would do it again, to help a friend and fellow biker.)

As the motorcycle season is wrapping up for those of you in the Western Pa/ Eastern Ohio- it's down to being able to ride comfortably ( weather wise) into weeks, not months.....just take that extra second to take a second glance, take an extra second to get to your destination, take an extra second to let someone know who they are in your life, in case you don't get the second chance to do it later. Thanks.

Things that make you go "hmmmph"

2006-08-11T20:00:00.000-05:00

Whenever I feel blue, I start breathing again.

How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?

Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, "I think I'll squeeze these dangly things here, and drink whatever comes out?"

camping

2006-08-06T19:42:00.000-05:00

Hello!

back from camping- great campsite about an hour north of PIT. Swimming for the kids, activities for them, and enough ice to keep my beverages cold. Went with friends who leave near by, and my in laws.

Lot's of fun- smoky campfire nights, and lots of laughs and good food during the day.

Since I am now in my 40's- those of you in the same age range, can understand what i am about to convey. Body parts start hurting ( BAD) for no reason. When I was in my twenties and thirties, I could do all sorts of activities ( some involving alcohol and stupidity) and not hurt myself, or feel any pain the next day.

NOT ANYMORE! Just getting out of the car, I pulled my groin muscle, so you can appreciate the agony I was in ( and still am- another bane of the 40's- pain lingers) when I would get into the swimming pool, walk up a step , etc.

Oh well, we are home again, home again. Husband went to get my dog. He has to stay with friends, otherwise , I have to stay at the campsite the entire time so he won't cry and ruin the surrounding peace. Lots of people did have dogs, and they are either lucky enough to have dogs that don't care when you leave them, or the people never left them!

That's all for now, have to finish laundry before my whole house smells like a camp fire.

I also like cats,but give the dog his due....

2006-07-29T05:44:00.000-05:00

Subject: A Dog's Philosophy
A DOGS PHILOSOPHYThe reason a dog has so many friends is that he wags his tail instead of his tongue.-Anonymous
Don't accept your dog's admiration as conclusive evidence that you are wonderful.-Ann Landers
If there are no dogs in Heaven, then when I die I want to go where they went.-Will Rogers
There is no psychiatrist in the world like a puppy licking your face.-Ben Williams
A dog is the only thing on earth that loves you more than he loveshimself.-Josh Billings
The average dog is a nicer person than the average person.-Andy Rooney
We give dogs time we can spare, space we can spare and love we can spare. And in return, dogs give us their all. It's the best deal man has ever made.-M. Acklam
Dogs love their friends and bite their enemies, quite unlike people, who are incapable of pure love and always have to mix love and hate.-Sigmund Freud
I wonder if other dogs think poodles are members of a weird religious cult.-Rita Rudner
A dog teaches a boy fidelity, perseverance, and to turn around three times before lying down.-Robert Benchley
Anybody who doesn't know what soap tastes like never washed a dog.-Franklin P. Jones
If I have any beliefs about immortality, it is that certain dogs I have known will go to heaven, and very, very few persons.-James Thurber
If your dog is fat, you aren't getting enough exercise.-Unknown
My dog is worried about the economy because Alpo is up to $3.00 a can. That's almost $21.00 in dog money.-Joe Weinstein
Ever consider what our dogs must think of us? I mean, here we come back from a grocery store with the most amazing haul -- chicken, pork, half a cow. They must think we're the greatest hunters on earth!-Anne Tyler
Women and cats will do as they please, and men and dogs should relax and get used to the idea.-Robert A. Heinlein
If you pick up a starving dog and make him prosperous, he will not bite you; that is the principal difference between a dog and a man.-Mark Twain
You can say any foolish thing to a dog, and the dog will give you a look that says, 'Wow, you're right! I never would've thought of that!'- Dave Barry
Dogs are not our whole life, but they make our lives whole.-Roger Caras

If you think dogs can't count, try putting three dog biscuits in your pocket and then give him only two of them.-Phil Pastoret
My goal in life is to be as good of a person my dog already thinks I am

2006-07-18T06:18:00.000-05:00

hot enough for you?

2006-07-18T06:16:00.000-05:00

It was SOOOO hot yesterday, cows were giving evaporated milk......

Economic consumption

2006-07-18T05:47:00.000-05:00

I have been thinking ( a dangerous place for my mind to be alone) and have decided to start adding little thoughts ( no pun intended) about how as a society ( okay, maybe just as a family unit)we have evolved into needing things ( cars, houses, quantity of items) of a much larger capacity.

My first example. Ford Expedition makes a great SUV capacity of 8. With the average family being 2 parents and 2.75 kids ( still scratching my head with a child who only counts as 75%), why the need for 3 extra seats? Have we decided we don't like being close to each other???, Forbid the time when little Johnny 'creeps' over to little Susie's seat in the car...( I grew up with the 'He's in my seat, he's touching me, he's looking at me' ( Tramp, I am NOT talking about dating at the drive in....then it would've been Carrie's is touching me, she's in my seat...etc HA HA)

Anthropologists will decify us hundreds of years from now and perhaps discover that we needed the extra space because we couldn't handle the conflict resolution of sibling situations that our parents handled while we were unsecured in a car going 70 down the highway with Mom swinging her arm behind her trying to grab one of us!

Happy Marriage advice from Husband

2006-07-06T19:24:00.000-05:00

FOR A LASTING MARRIAGE 1. Two times a week, we go to a nice restaurant, have a little beverage, good food and companionship.
She goes on Tuesdays, I go on Fridays.
2. We also sleep in separate beds.
Hers is in Calif. and mine is in Texas.
3. I take my wife everywhere.....
but she keeps finding her way back.
4. I asked my wife where she wanted to go for our anniversary.
"Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!" she said.
So I suggested the kitchen.
5. We always hold hands.
If I let go, she shops.
6. She has an electric blender, electric toaster and electric
bread maker. She said "There are too many gadgets and no
place to sit down!" So I bought her an electric chair.
7. My wife told me the car wasn't running well because
there was water in the carburetor.
I asked where the car was; she told me "In the lake."
8. She got a mud pack and looked great for two days.
Then the mud fell off.
9. She ran after the garbage truck, yelling
"Am I too late for the garbage?"
The driver said "No, jump in!"
10. Remember: Marriage is the number one cause of divorce.
11. I married Miss Right.
I just didn't know her first name was "Always"s.
12. I haven't spoken to my wife in 18 months.
I don't like to interrupt her.
13. The last fight was my fault though.
My wife asked "What's on the TV?" I said "Dust!"

Eat and Park smiley cookies

2006-07-02T20:17:00.000-05:00

I have decided that I would love to have a new kitchen, just for the looks- the magazine appeal...I am not a cook, have never even tried to disguise myself as one. Sadly, in this time of summer picnics, my kids prefer store bought potato salad to homemade- why? They have only had store bought. Same with cookies- Eat and Park smiley face cookies are the favored among the family. I think my children would choke on a home made cake. So if anyone wants to come and give cooking lessons, feel free- my children are the lucky recipients!

Truth be told, I enjoy the clean up more than the headache of what to cook and who will eat what.

If I had a new kitchen, I might be expected to perform.....

Have I told you about my kick ass front load washing machine? My kids NEVER complain about their clothes!

Happy 4th of July....put down your drink long enough to thank a soldier ( past, and present)- enjoy the fireworks and SING the NATIONAL ANTHEM with your hand over your heart and take the damn hat off!

funnies

2006-06-29T13:09:00.000-05:00

An old man, Mr. Goldstein, was living the last of his life in a nursingHome.One day he appeared to be very sad and depressed. Nurse Tracy asked ifThere was anything wrong."Yes, Nurse Tracy," said Mr. Goldstein, "My Private Part died today, and IAm very sad."Knowing her patients were forgetful and sometimes a little crazy, sheReplied, "Oh, I'm so sorry, Mr. Goldstein, please accept my condolences.The following day, Mr Goldstein was walking down the hall with hisPrivate Part hanging out his pajamas, when he met Nurse Tracy."Mr. Goldstein," she said, "You shouldn't be walking down the hall likeThat.. Please put your Private Part back inside your pajamas."But, Nurse Tracy," replied Mr. Goldstein, " I told you yesterday that myPrivate Part died.""Yes, you did tell me that, but why is it hanging out of your pajamas?"You gotta love this!!!!!!!!!!!"Well, he replied, "Today's the viewing."

Get ready for Football Season!!!

2006-06-29T08:52:00.000-05:00

I am gearing the family up for football- what this means, in the simplest form, is that husband will soon be all embedded in thoughts of football and not much else. Often I have told my friends that I believe I could have affairs August-December, and he would not notice as long as the team is winning. I am suspending my computer studies while football is going on, so the kids have someone to come home to after school. ( not a big sacrifice, remember, I am a PEOPLE PERSON!)

So, I wanted to share a thought on football, before the season kicks off into high gear.....

The word "genius" isn't applicable in football. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein." --Joe Theisman, NFL football quarterback & sports analyst.

checking in

2006-06-22T14:18:00.000-05:00

Off to those dreaded microsoft classes again....I have discovered that in addition to the mandatory 6 hours I sit in class ( and the time spent driving back and forth) I am required to put in at least another 6 hours doing interactive work from home. THEY should PAY ME!!!

Hope the summer is treating all well.

Glad I was out of town with the ridiculous coverage of BEN's motorcycle accident. ( Proof that GOD is a Stealer fan- first the Super Bowl, then the accident.)

Wrapping up my time with the GOlf Course...I will miss the golfers I have met in my short time there, and hope to return intermittently over the summer for my necessary 'people' fix.

I start my new job on 7-5-06....I'll be in an office all by myself. Maybe have more time to blog! ha ha

Tramp- planning a weekend visit with the wife- let me know when the beer and boat are ready!

ponderings while I recover from the visit with the parents

2006-06-18T21:33:00.000-05:00

1. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me either. Just pretty much leave me the hell alone.
2. It's always darkest before dawn. So if you're going to steal your neighbor's newspaper, that's the time to do it.
3. Sex is like air -- it's not important unless you aren't getting any.
4. No one is listening until you fart.
5. If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car payments.
6. Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away, and you have their shoes.
7. If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you. 8. Give a man a fish, and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
9. If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was worth it.
10. Don't worry--It only seems kinky the first time.
11. Good judgment comes from bad experience, and a lot of that comes from bad judgment.
12. There are two theories about arguing with women. Neither one works.
13. Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
14. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night

2006-06-09T06:32:00.000-05:00

Interesting GEOGRAPHY Facts
Alaska
More than half of the coastline of the entire United States is in Alaska.
Amazon
The Amazon rainforest produces more than 20% of the world's oxygen supply. The Amazon River pushes so much water into the Atlantic Ocean that, more than one hundred miles at sea off the mouth of the river, one can dip fresh water out of the ocean. The volume of water in the Amazon river is greater than the next eight largest rivers in the world combined and three times the flow of all rivers in the United States.
Antarctica
Antarctica is the only land on our planet that is not owned by any country. Ninety percent of the world's ice covers Antarctica. This ice also represents seventy percent of all the fresh water in the world. As strange as it sounds, however, Antarctica is essentially a desert. The average yearly total precipitation is about two inches Although covered with ice (all but 0.4% of it, i.e.), Antarctica is the driest place on the planet, with an absolute humidity lower than the Gobi desert.
Brazil
Brazil got its name from the nut, not the other way around.
Canada
Canada has more lakes than the rest of the world combined. Canada is an Indian word meaning "Big Village."
Chicago
Next to Warsaw, Chicago has the largest Polish population in the world.
Detroit
Woodward Avenue in Detroit, Michigan, carries the designation M-1, named so because it was the first paved road anywhere.
Damascus,
SyriaDamascus, Syria, was flourishing a couple of thousand years before Rome was founded in 753 BC, making it the oldest continuously inhabited city in existence.
Istanbul, Turkey
Turkey, is the only city in the world located on two continents.
Los Angeles
Los Angeles's full name is El Pueblo de Nuestra Senora la Reina de los Angeles de Porciuncula --and can be abbreviated to 3.63% of its size: L.A.
New York City
The term "The Big Apple" was coined by touring jazz musicians of the 1930's who used the slang expression "apple" for any town or city. Therefore, to play New York City is to play the big time - The Big Apple. There are more Irish in New York City than in Dublin, Ireland; more Italians in New York City than in Rome, Italy; and more Jews in New York City than in Tel Aviv, Israel.
Ohio
There are no natural lakes in the state of Ohio, every one is manmade.
Pitcairn Island
The smallest island with country status is Pitcairn in Polynesia, at just 1.75 sq. miles/4,53 sq. km.
Rome
The first city to reach a population of 1 million people was Rome, Italy in 133 B.C. There is a city called Rome on every continent.
Siberia
Siberia contains more than 25% of the world's forests.
S.M.O.M.
The actual smallest sovereign entity in the world is the Sovereign Military Order of Malta (S.M.O.M.). It is located in the city of Rome, Italy, has an area of two tennis courts, and as of 2001 has a population of 80, 20 less people than the Vatican. It is a sovereign entity under international law, just as the Vatican is.
Sahara Desert
In the Sahara Desert, there is a town named Tidikelt, which did not receive a drop of rain for ten years. Technically though, the driest place on Earth is in the valleys of the Antarctic near Ross Island. There has been no rainfall there for two million years.

Spain
Spain literally means 'the land of rabbits.'
St. Paul, Minnesota
St. Paul, Minnesota, was originally called Pig's Eye after a man named Pierre "Pig's Eye" Parrant who set up the first business there.
Roads
Chances that a road is unpaved in the U.S.A.: 1%, in Canada: 75%
Texas
The deepest hole ever made in the world is in Texas. It is as deep as 20 empire state buildings but only 3 inches wide.
United States
The Eisenhower interstate system requires that one-mile in every five must be straight. These straight sections are usable as airstrips in times of war or other emergencies.
Waterfalls
The water of Angel Falls (the World's highest) in Venezuela drops 3,212 feet (979 meters). They are 15 times higher than Niagara Falls. So, didn't it feel good to learn something new today???

I have always said you should learn something new every day. Unfortunately, most of us are at that age where what we learn today, we forget tomorrow.
But, give it a shot anyway!............

Funnies to tide you over

2006-06-08T21:31:00.000-05:00

There are two times when a man doesn't understand a woman: Before marriage and after marriage

Reason Why It's So Hard To Solve A Redneck Murder: All the DNA is the same

Women and cats will do as they please, and men and dogs should relax and get used to the idea.

>Three friends from the local congregation were asked, "When you're in your casket, and friends and congregation members are mourning over you, what would you like them to say?" Artie said: "I would like them to say I was a wonderful husband, a fine spiritual leader, and a great family man." Eugene commented: "I would like them to say I was a wonderful teacher and servant of God who made a huge difference in people's lives." Al said: "I'd like them to say, "Look, he's moving!"

John was on his deathbed and gasped pitifully. "Give me one last request, dear," he said. "Of course, John," his wife said softly. "Six months after I die," he said, "I want you to marry Bob." "But I thought you hated Bob," she said. With his last breath John said, "I do!"

A man goes to see the Rabbi. "Rabbi, something terrible is happening and I have to talk to you about it." The Rabbi asked, "What's wrong?" The man replied, "My wife is poisoning me." The Rabbi, very surprised by this, asks, "How can that be?" The man then pleads, "I'm telling you, I'm certain she's poisoning me, what should I do?" The Rabbi then offers, "Tell you what. Let me talk to her, I'll see what I can find out and I'll let you know." A week later the Rabbi calls the man and says, "Well, I spoke to your wife. I spoke to her on the phone for three hours. You want my advice? Take the poison!"

Read all about it

2006-06-08T10:16:00.000-05:00

Whilest I am away from thy dear beloved blog - your quality of amusement need not suffer. Remember to visit www.trampsriverbank.blogspot.com for your daily fix of amusement and well thought out verse.

Microsoft Classes underway

2006-06-06T21:56:00.000-05:00

End of school today for the kindergartner and the third grader. beginning of school for their old Mom. I started down the road to my MOS certification. In my class that will last until the end of September ( meeting 2 times a week for 3 hours each) are 5 of us. 3 of us are old airline people. all of us are over 40. ( reading glasses on all but the instructor.)

WHY am I studying computers?
I AM a people person. That has become apparent in the fact that I have totally enjoyed being with the golfers these last few months.

Please think positive thoughts for me as I finish what I have started, and hope to find computer work with people. Maybe I can become an instructor of this damn thing!

Off to the parents for awhile. Traveling with the in-laws and the dog, and the kids and the husband. Is there possibly enough room for the wine I wil need?

Mom is doing well, her sense of humor is heightened with the news of her Alzheimers. This is the best lesson a mother can teach a child. Face adversity, laugh all the way.

Will return to the blog sometime after the 20th of June. Be careful on those motorcycles- look twice- and have fun. Keep the beer cold, I am heading to the flat land ( Ohio ) for a good friend fix soon. You have been warned.

Really Good Philosophy

2006-06-06T09:39:00.000-05:00

The Mayonnaise Jar and the 2 Cups of Coffee
>>>
>>>When things in your life seem almost too much to handle, when 24
>>>hours in a day are not enough, remember the mayonnaise jar and the 2
>>>cups of coffee.
>>>
>>>A professor stood before his philosophy class and had some items in
>>>front of him. When the class began, he wordlessly picked up a very
>>>large and empty mayonnaise jar and proceeded to fill it with golf
>>>balls. He then asked the students if the jar was full. They agreed
>>>that it was.
>>>
>>>The professor then picked up a box of pebbles and poured them into
>>>the jar. He shook the jar lightly. The pebbles rolled into the open
>>>areas between the golf balls. He then asked the students again if the

>>>jar was full. They agreed that it was.
>>>
>>>The professor next picked up a box of sand and poured it into the
>>>jar. Of course, the sand filled up everything else. He asked once
>>>more if the jar was full. The students responded with a unanimous
>>>"yes."
>>>
>>>The professor then produced two cups of coffee from under the table
>>>and poured the entire contents into the jar effectively filling the
>>>empty space between the sand. The students laughed.
>>>
>>>"Now," said the professor as the laughter subsided, "I want you to
>>>recognize that this jar represents your life. The golf balls are the
>>>important things--God, your family, your children, your health, your
>>>friends and your favorite passions--and if everything else was lost
>>>and only they remained, your life would still be full. The pebbles
>>>are the other things that matter like your job, your house and your
>>>car. The sand is everything else--the small stuff."
>>>
>>>"If you put the sand into the jar first," he continued, "there is no
>>>room for the pebbles or the golf balls. The same goes for life. If
>>>you spend all your time and energy on the small stuff you will never
>>>have room for the things that are important to you.
>>>
>>>"Pay attention to the things that are critical to your happiness.
>>>Play with your children. Take time to get medical checkups. Take your

>>>spouse out to dinner. Play another 18. There will always be time to
>>>clean the house and fix the disposal. Take care of the golf balls
>>>first--the things that really matter. Set your priorities. The rest
>>>is just sand."
>>>
>>>One of the students raised her hand and inquired what the coffee
>>>represented. The professor smiled. "I'm glad you asked. It just goes
>>>to show you that no matter how full your life may seem, there's
>>>always room for a couple of cups of coffee with a friend."
>>>
>>>
>>>>>
>>

Starbucks coffee cups

2006-06-02T14:00:00.000-05:00

Starbuck's coffee has quotes. This one is a good one. Don't agree with the paper she writes for, but it is a good thought.

From the New York Times Columnist Maureen Dowd:

" The minute you settle for less than you deserve, you get even less than you settled for."

wise words....DON"T SETTLE...Don't sell your self short, and never be afraid of a little hard work. that's my quote.

Vinegar

2006-06-02T07:39:00.000-05:00

My eye doctor told me yesterday that people's eyes yellowing is a natural age thing - but one of the reasons, is that the white part of your ey e is actually creating calluses to protect it from irratants. ( dust, pollen, etc....anything in the air)....

Got me to thinking of all the chemicals that are put into 'cleaning' products. So a little research found a website to help ....versatile vingegar.org is a great website with lots of ideas for cleaning. Not to mention how cheap white vinegar is. I will be using natural items now to clean my home. Save money- great ideas!

My fortune for today

2006-06-02T05:36:00.000-05:00

One of my New Year's resolutions was to become more computer savvy-not a Bill Gates, but able to understand daughter when she talks about her third grade computer class. One of my first things to do was to create a personal page from a search engine. I have 2. One is on MSN and the other IWON. ( feel free to send me other search engines where I can practice setting up personal preferences)

So one of the things I picked to be shown on my iwon page is " fortune for the day"
Today, I got a flash from the past of my airline days...Truly- it said" You will have chicken today"..... remember Flight Attendants waddling down the aisle....cackling out " Chicken or Beef"? What kind of fortune is that?

Local Pittsburgh news, some lady was caught shoplifting groceries, so she tossed off her clothes and ran into the streets naked. She is now being housed at the Local Psych ward.
Maybe she could write my fortunes for the day. If she said I was having chicken, I would be pretty sure she had been to the grocery store!

oh well, school is winding down for my kids, and I am starting class on the same night they end. I am starting that Microsoft Office Specialist class. I'll surface again in October hoping to do more than type ! heee heee

2006-05-30T19:58:00.000-05:00

Two old ladies are outside their nursing home, having a drink and a
> >> smoke,
> >> when it starts to rain. One of the old ladies pulls out a condom, cuts
> >> off
> >> the end, puts it over her cigarette, and continues smoking.
> >>
> >> Maude: What in the hell is that?
> >>
> >> Mabel: A condom. This way my cigarette doesn't get wet.
> >>
> >> Maude: Where did you get it?
> >>
> >> Mabel: You can get them at any drugstore.
> >>
> >> The next day, Maude hobbles herself into the local drugstore and
> >> announces
> >> to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms.
> >>
> >> The pharmacist, obviously embarrassed, looks at her kind of strangely
> >> (she
> >> is after all, over 80 years of age), but very delicately asks what brand
> >> of
> >> condom she prefers.
> >>
> >> "Doesn't matter Sonny, as long as it fits on a Camel."
> >>
> >> The pharmacist fainted.
> >>
> >>
>

2006-05-29T19:24:00.000-05:00

Colonoscopies: A physician claimed that the following are actual comments
made by his patients (predominately male) while he was performing their
colonoscopies:

1. "Take it easy, Doc. You're boldly going where no man has gone before!"
2. "Find Amelia Earhart yet?"
3. "Can you hear me NOW?"
4. "Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?"
5. "You know, in Arkansas, we're now legally married."
6. "Any sign of the trapped miners, Chief?"
7. "You put your left hand in, you take your left hand out..."
8. "Hey! Now I know how a Muppet feels!"
9. "If your hand doesn't fit, you must quit!"
10. "Hey Doc, let me know if you find my dignity."
11. "You used to be an executive at Enron, didn't you?"
12. "God, Now I know why I am not gay."
And the best one of them all...

13. "Could you write a note for my wife saying that my head is not up
there."

I have to add that I have always been of the opinion that the FORD PROBE was built for protocologists....

Memorial Day

2006-05-29T06:27:00.000-05:00

Happy Memorial Day....and a BIG THANK YOU to all of the veteran's who make it possible.

I can't imagine what the U.S. would be without your dedication.

Enjoy your day, and be proud!

BBQ Season

2006-05-24T06:20:00.000-05:00

From my TV exercise Co hort, a great one:

Barbecue Season Is Coming:
>
>
>
> After the long months of cold and winter, we will soon be coming up
to summer, and BBQ season. Therefore it is important to refresh your memory
on the etiquette of this sublime outdoor cooking, as it's the only type of
cooking a real man will do; probably because there is an element of danger
involved. When a man volunteers to do the BBQ the following chain of events
are put into motion:
>
>
>
> Routine...
> 1) The woman buys the food.
> 2) The woman makes the salad, prepares the vegetables, and makes
dessert.
> 3) The woman prepares the meat for cooking, places it on a tray
along with the necessary cooking utensils and sauces, and takes it to the
man who is lounging beside the grill - beer in hand.
>
>
>
> Here comes the important part:
> 4) THE MAN PLACES THE MEAT ON THE GRILL.
>
>
>
> More routine....
> 5) The woman goes inside to organize the plates and cutlery.
> 6) The woman comes out to tell the man that the meat is burning. He
thanks her and asks if she will bring another beer while he deals with the
situation.
>
>
>
> Another important part:
> 7) THE MAN TAKES THE MEAT OFF THE GRILL AND HANDS IT TO THE WOMAN.
>
>
>
> More routine....
> 8) The woman prepares the plates, salad, bread, utensils, napkins,
and sauces and brings them to the table.
> 9) After eating, the woman clears the table and does the dishes.
>
>
>
> And most important of all:
> 10) Everyone PRAISES the MAN and THANKS HIM for his cooking efforts.
> 11) The man asks the woman how she enjoyed "her night off." Upon
seeing her annoyed reaction, he concludes that there's just no pleasing some
women....

Buddha says:

2006-05-24T06:09:00.000-05:00

Buddha says:

Learn to let go, that is the key to happiness.

Tramps Riverbank Blog to the rescue

2006-05-22T23:56:00.000-05:00

From Tramps Riverbank: nice to know you can count on friends to send you interesting reads for your own blog- stop by and read his....www.trampsriverbank.blogspot.com

With the market in the turmoil that it is, these mergers may
not be too far fetched...

1. XEROX and WURLITZER
(They're going to make reproductive organs)

2. FAIRCHILD ELECTRONICS and HONEYWELL COMPUTERS
(The new company will be called Fairwell Honeychild)

3. POLYGRAM RECORDS, WARNER BROTHERS and KEEBLER
(The new company will be called Poly-Warner-Cracker)

4. W.R.GRACE CO., FULLER BRUSH CO., MARY KAY COSMETICS, and
HALE BUSINESS SYSTEMS
(The company will be called Hale, Mary, Fuller, Grace)

5. 3M and GOODYEAR
(MMM Good)

6. JOHN DEERE and ABITIBI-PRICE
(Deere Abi)

7. HONEYWELL, IMASCO and HOME OIL
(Honey, I'm Home)

8. DENISON MINES, ALLIANCE and METAL MINING
(Mine All Mine)

9. 3M, JC PENNEY and THE METROPOLITAN OPERA COMPANY
(3 Penney Opera)

10. GREY POUPON and DOCKERS PANTS
(Poupon Pants)

11. KNOTT'S BERRY FARM and THE NATIONAL ORGANIZATION FOR
WOMEN
(The new company will be called Knott Now)

12. ZIPPO MANUFACTURING, AUDI, DOFASCO and DAKOTA MINING
(The new company will be called Zip Audi Do-Da)

13. NETSCAPE and YAHOO
(Net n'Yahoo - the Israeli branch)

Neologism Contest

2006-05-22T23:52:00.000-05:00

Again, email sent to me from a friend:

Once again, The Washington Post has published the winning submissions to its yearly Neologism Contest, in which readers are asked to supply alternate meanings for common words. This year's winners are:
1. Coffee (n), the person upon whom one coughs.
2. Flabbergasted (adj.), appalled over how much weight you have gained.
3. Abdicate (v.), to give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.
4. Esplanade (v.), to attempt an explanation while drunk.
5. Willy-nilly (adj.), impotent.
6. Negligent (adj), describes a condition in which you absentmindedly answer the door in your nightgown.
7. Lymph (v.), to walk with a lisp.
8. Gargoyle (n.), olive-flavored mouthwash.
9. Flatulence (n.) emergency vehicle that picks you up after you are run over by a steamroller.
10. Balderdash (n.), a rapidly receding hairline.
11. Testicle (n.), a humorous question on an exam.
12. Rectitude (n.), the formal, dignified bearing adopted by proctologists.
13. Pokemon (n), a Rastafarian proctologist.
14. Oyster (n.), a person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddisisms.
15. Frisbeetarianism (n.), The belief that, when you die, your soul flies up onto the roof and gets stuck there.
16. Circumvent (n.), an opening in the front of boxer shorts worn by Jewish men

2006-05-22T19:58:00.000-05:00

In Pharmacology, all drugs have two names, a trade name and generic name. For example, the trade name of Tylenol also has a generic name of Acetaminophen. Aleve is also called Naproxen. Amoxil is also call Amoxicillin and Advil is also called Ibuprofen.

The FDA has been looking for a generic name for Viagra. After careful consideration by a team of government experts, it recently announced that it has settled on the generic name of Mycoxafloppin. Also considered were Mycoxafailin, Mydixadrupin, Mydixarizin, Dixafix, and of course, Ibepokin.
Pfizer Corp. announced today that Viagra will soon be available in liquid form, and will be marketed by Pepsi Cola as a power beverage suitable for use as a mixer. It will now be possible for a man to literally pour himself a stiff one.
Obviously we can no longer call this a soft drink, and it gives new meaning to the names of "cocktails", "highballs" and just a good old-fashioned "stiff drink".

Pepsi will market the new concoction by the name of: MOUNT & DO.

2006-05-22T19:56:00.001-05:00

Subject: Living Will

While watching the basketball game on TV last night, my wife and I were discussing life and death. I told her, "Just so you know, I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids froma bottle. If that ever happens, just pull the plug." She promptly got up, unplugged the TV, and threw out all my beer. Some days I hate being married to a smart-ass.

Monica Lewinsky

2006-05-22T19:56:00.000-05:00

Subject: Special Birthday Today

Can you believe it? Monica Lewinsky turned 31 this week. It seems like only yesterday she was crawling around the White House on her hands and knees.

They grow up so fast!!

Hectic weekend

2006-05-21T19:45:00.000-05:00

Hectic weekend ....lots of activity, both kids finishing up soccer games, daughter also in her gymnastics recital.....rain,rain,rain, did I mention it has been raining?

Taping another segment on the tv= this time I make an ass out of myself with Pilates.....( I hope not literally- some of those poses bring me pause....) ever see Jane Fonda do those stupid 'hydrant dog lifts' for the thighs? I think someone made those up to make her look totally stupid- as if she needed help.

This week we start 'travel team tryouts'.....what the hell? No wonder there are no kids left to play in the neighborhood......parents are liviing there lives through the younger generation.

Oh well, in golf course news, things are very well. keep my fingers crossed I can keep my mouth shut in front of the important people. I am not opinionated, I just feel strongly that everyone wants to know what I am thinking.!!!!

okay- heading for my Chardonnnay....Tramp hasn't sent me any of his home brew.

Names and Occupations ( Aptronyms)

2006-05-20T08:56:00.000-05:00

This was on MSN.COM front page today- love the connection between name and occupation!

Rosalind G. Brewer was appointed in March to the board of directors of Molson Coors Brewing Company. Molson Coors issued a press release.
Wouldn't you?
Ravi Tailor is master cutter and managing director of Anthony J. Hewitt, bespoke tailors and shirtmakers of Savile Row, London.

Roger Printup is registrar at Stanford University.

Dr. William J. Whitehead is a dermatologist in Germantown, Tenn.

Updated Aptronym Yellow Pages:
AcupunctureDr. Aena Han Payne (University of Mississippi)
Anger ManagementDr. Richard Madden (Hudson, N.Y.)
AstronomersAlan Heavens (University of Edinburgh)
AutomotiveFred Karr, drivers-ed instructor (Ann Arbor, Mich.)
Wayne Schmuck, used-car distributor convicted of fraud for resetting odometers (Wisconsin).
Cabinet SecretariesMargaret Spellings (Secretary of Education)
ClergyJaime Lachica Cardinal Sin (former archbishop of Manila)
ClimatologistsElizabeth Weatherhead (Boulder, Colo.)
DermatologistsRoger Whitehead (Germantown, Pa.)
Dentists/OrthodontistsNgoc Quang Chu, DDS (Bethesda, Md.)
Dr. Ravi Doctor (Arlington, Va. A dentist so nice you call him "doctor" twice!)
Dalbert Fear, Jr., DDS (Ann Arbor, Mich.)
Ken Hurt, DDS (Albuquerque, N.M.)
Kenneth Krowne, DDS (Brookline, Mass.)Les Plack, DDS (San Francisco, Calif.)
Anthony J. Puller, DDS (Richmond, Va.)
Randall Toothaker, DDS (University of Nebraska Medical Center)
Barth, Lacy, and Craig Toothman (Columbus, Ohio)
EconomistsDavid Dollar (economist at the World Bank)
ElectriciansJoe Shockey (Seven Hills, Ohio)
Food CriticsJamie Maw (Vancouver magazine)
Football PlayersBrian Baldinger (former defensive lineman, Dallas Cowboys, Indianapolis Colts*, and Philadelphia Eagles)
Joey Goodspeed (former running back, St. Louis Rams)
Quentin Jammer (cornerback for the San Diego Chargers)
Willie Thrower (first black quarterback in the NFL)
Garment IndustryRavi Tailor, master cutter and managing director of Anthony J. Hewitt, bespoke tailors and shirtmakers of Saville Row (London).
GastroenterologistsDr. Angel Colon* (Washington, D.C.)
GynecologistsDr. Bonnie Beaver (West Hills, Calif.)
Dr. Harry Beaver, retired (Fairfax, Va.)
Sheldon H. Cherry (New York, N.Y.)
Dr. Hyman Meltzer, deceased (Chicago)
LaywersJeffrey M. Advokat, (Morristown, N.J.)
Sue Yoo (Sullivan & Cromwell, New York, N.Y.)
Leadership ExpertJack Christ (Ripon College, Ripon, Wis.)
LiquorRosalind G. Brewer, board member, Molson Coors Brewing Co.
LobbyistsLeon Billings Robert Cashdollar
NanotechnologyRichard Superfine (University of North Carolina, Chapel Hill)
Novelists/EssayistsFrancine Prose (New York, N.Y.)
Office Supplies and EquipmentDean Boring, president, Boring Office Supplies (Lakeland, Fla.)
OpthalmologistsDr. Kevin Blinder (Washington University)
OrnithologistsDavid Bird (director, Avian Science and Conservation Center, McGill University, Canada)
Performing ArtsSarah Slipper (former dancer with the Royal Winnipeg Ballet)
PodiatristsDr. Allen Korn (Washington, D.C.)
Poker ChampionsChris Moneymaker (Spring Hill, Tenn.)
PoliceJohn Lawless (Haverstraw, N.Y.)
Psychologists/PsychiatristsDr. Jules Angst (emeritus professor of psychiatry, University of Zurich) Ellen Winner (author of Gifted Children: Myths and Realities; professor of psychology at Boston College)Roberta L. Nutt, Ph.D. (director, Counseling Psychology Doctoral Program, Texas Women's University)William Dement, M.D. (professor of psychiatry and behavioral science at Stanford)
Race-car DriversScott Goodyear Scott Speed
Rapists, ConvictedRobert Raper (Boston, Mass.)
RealtorsAnn Greathouse (Pittsburgh, Pa.)Cynthia Houser (Silver Spring, Md.)
RegulatorsCharles H. Bronson (oversees Florida's "concealed carry" program allowing ordinary citizens to pack heat)
Religion, Professors ofTerry Godlove (Hofstra University)
Risk ManagementJohn C. Chicken (author, The Philosophy of Risk)
Sexual Misconduct ResearcherCharol Shakeshaft
SpokespersonsAm Rong (Khmer Rouge spokesman, Cambodia)
Tony Snow (Washington, D.C.)
Larry Speakes (Reagan White House flak)
TextilesLaura Knott-Twine, (founder, Windham Textile and History Museum in Windham, Conn., known as "Thread City.")
University AdministrationRoger Printup, registrar (Stanford University)
UrologistsDr. Richard ("Dick") Chopp (Austin, Texas)
Dr. Dennis Peters (Pensacola, Fla.)
Dr. Alexander Philpott (Wheat Ridge, Colo.)
Dr. Keith Waterhouse, retired (New York, N.Y.)
*updated; previously listed for Anapolis, Md.
Timothy Noah is a senior writer at Slate.

Shortest political Quiz

2006-05-20T06:07:00.000-05:00

You'll be asked just 10 questions, and then it instantly tells you where you stand politically.
It shows your position as a red dot on a "political map" so you'll see exactly where you score.

The most interesting thing about the Quiz is that it goes beyond the Democrat, Republican, and Independent.

The Quiz has gotten a lot of praise. The Washington Post said it has "gained respect as a valid measure of a person's political leanings."
The Fraser Institute said it's "a fast, fun, and accurate assessment of a person's overall political views." Suite University said it is the "most concise and accurate political quiz out there."

http://www.theadvocates.org/quiz.html.

Men don't think like this~ do they?

2006-05-16T09:27:00.000-05:00

Joe and Bill are out fishing and sipping beer while discussing important things like football and Nascar.

All of a sudden Joe says "I think I'm gonna divorce my wife - she hasn't spoken to me in over 6 months."

Bill sips his beer and says "You better think it over - - women like that are hard to find."

2006-05-16T06:48:00.000-05:00

>> BUENOS DIAS AMIGOS!!
> >>
> >> JOU HAB YUST RECEIVED A MEHICAN BIRUS!!!!! SINCE WE NOT SO
> >> TECNOLOHICALLY ADBANCED IN MEHICO, DIS IS A "MANUAL" BIRUS. PLEASE
> >> DELETE ALL THE FILES ON JOUR HARD DRIVE JOURSELF AND SEND THIS
> >> E-MAILTO EBERYONE JOU KNOW. TAN JOU POR YELPING ME.
> >>
> >> JULIO MANUEL JOSE CARLOS ARMANDO RODIRGUEZ LOPEZ MARTINEZ Y GARCIA,
> >>
> >> MEXICAN HACKER

2006-05-15T11:17:00.000-05:00

Subject: 3 nuns

Three Italian nuns die and go to heaven.

At the Pearly Gates, they are met by St. Peter. He says, "Sisters, you all led such exemplary lives that the Lord is granting you six months to go back to earth and be anyone you wish to be .

The first nun says, "I want to be Sophia Loren;" and *poof* she's gone.
The second says, "I want to be Madonna and *poof* she's gone.
The third says, "I want to be Sara Pipalini.."
St. Peter looks perplexed. "Who?" he ask

"Sara Pipalini;" replies the nun.

St. Peter shakes his head and says, "I'm sorry, but that name just doesn't ring a bell."
The nun then takes a newspaper out of her habit and hands it to St. Peter.

St. Peter reads the paper and starts laughing. He hands it back to her and says......
"No sister, the paper says it was the 'Sahara Pipeline' that was laid by 1,400 men in 6 months."

From my Aunt who used to let me stay the summer with her.

2006-05-14T09:42:00.000-05:00

---------------------------------------------------------------------------- Answers given by 2nd graders to the following questions
Why did God make mothers?
1. She's the only one who knows where the scotch tape is.
2. Mostly to clean the house.
3. To help us out of there when we were getting born.
How did God make mothers?
1. He used dirt, just like for the rest of us.
2. Magic plus super powers and a lot of stirring
3. God made my Mom just the same like he made me. He just used bigger parts.

What ingredients are mothers made of?
1. God makes mothers out of clouds and angel hair and everything nice inthe world and one dab of mean.
2. They had to get their start from men's bones. Then they mostly use string, I think.
Why did God give you Your mother & not some other mom?
1. We're related
2. God knew she likes me a lot more than other people's moms like me.
What kind of little girl was your mom?
1. My mom has always been my mom and none of that other stuff.
2. I don't know because I wasn't there, but my guess would be pretty bossy.
3. They say she used to be nice.
What did mom need to know about dad before she married him?
1. His last name.
2. She had to know his background. Like is he a crook? Does he get drunkon beer?
3. Does he make at least $800 a year? Did he say NO to drugs and YES tochores?
Why did your mom marry your dad?
1. My dad makes the best spaghetti in the world. And my Mom eats a lot.
2. She got too old to do anything else with him.
3. My grandma says that Mom didn't have her thinking cap on.
Who's the boss at your house?
1. Mom doesn't want to be boss, but she has to because dad's such a goofball.
2. Mom. You can tell by room inspection. She sees the stuff under the bed.
3. I guess Mom is, but only because she has a lot more to do than dad.
What's the difference between moms & dads?
1. Moms work at work and work at home & dads just go to work at work.
2. Moms know how to talk to teachers without scaring them.
3. Dads are taller & stronger, but moms have all the real power 'cause that's who you got to ask if you want to sleep over at your friend's.
4. Moms have magic, they make you feel better without medicine.
What does your mom do in her spare time?
1. Mothers don't do spare time.
2. To hear her tell it, she pays bills all day long.
What would it take to make your mom perfec t?
1. On the inside she's already perfect. Outside, I think some kind of plastic surgery.
2. Diet. You know, her hair. I'd diet, maybe blue.
If you could change one thing about your Mom, what would it be?
1. She has this weird thing about me keeping my room clean. I'd get rid ofthat.
2. I'd make my Mom smarter. Then she would know it was my sister who did itand not me.
3. I would like for her to get rid of those invisible eyes on the back of her head.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------

Something I need to remember at work.

2006-05-14T09:40:00.000-05:00

I was at the golf store comparing different kinds of golf balls. I was unhappy with the women's type I had been using. After browsing for several minutes, I was approached by one of the good-looking gentlemen who works at the store. He asked if he could help me. Without thinking, I looked at him and said, "I think I like playing with men's balls."

Thanks to Tramps Riverbank

2006-05-13T20:33:00.000-05:00

My friend at Tramps Riverbank shared this with me when he knew I was sharing posts of mother's this week. Many thanks to him for sharing, and I acknowledge that he is a really great person, whose mother must have spent time with him.

MOTHER:

This is a truly BEAUTIFUL piece. Please read this at a slow pace, digesting every word and in leisure...do not hurry....this is a treasure...For those lucky to still be blessed with your Mom,this is beautiful. For those of us who aren't, this is even more beautiful. For those who are moms, you'll love this.

The young mother set her foot on the path of life. "Is this the long way?" she asked. And the guide said: "Yes, and the way is hard. And you will be old before you reach the end of it. But the end will be better than the beginning."
But the young mother was happy, and she would not believe that anything could be better than these years. So she played with her children, and gathered flowers for them along the way, and bathed them in the clear streams; and the sun shone on them, and the young Mother cried,"Nothing will ever be lovelier than this."
Then the night came, and the storm, and the path was dark, and the children shook with fear and cold, and the mother drew them close and covered them with her mantle, and the children said, "Mother, we are not afraid, for you are near, and no harm can come."
And the morning came, and there was a hill ahead, and the children climbed and grew weary, and the mother was weary.But at all times she said to the children," A little patience and we are there."So the children climbed, and when they reached the top they said, "Mother, we would not have done it without you."
And the mother, when she lay down at night looked up at the stars and said, "This is a better day than the last, for my children have learned fortitude in the face of hardness. Yesterday I gave them courage. Today, I 've given them strength."
And the next day came strange clouds which darkened the earth, clouds of war and hate and evil, and the children groped and stumbled, and the mother said: "Look up. Lift your eyes to the light. " And the children looked and saw above the clouds an everlasting glory, and it guided them beyond the darkness. And that night the Mother said, "This is the best day of all, forI have shown my children God."
And the days went on, and the weeks and the months and the years, and the mother grew old and she was little and bent.But her children were tall and strong, and walked with courage. And when the way was rough, they lifted her,for she was as light as a feather; and at last they came to a hill,and beyond they could see a shining road and golden gates flung wide. And mother said, "I have reached the end of my journey. And now I know the end is better than the beginning, for my children can walk alone, and their children after them."
And the children said, "You will always walk with us,Mother, even when you have gone through the gates."And they stood and watched her as she went on alone, and the gates closed after her. And they said: "We cannot see her but she is with us still. A Mother like ours is more than a memory. She is a living presence......."
Your Mother is always with you.... She's the whisper of the leaves as you walk down the street; she's the smell of bleach in your freshly laundered socks; she's the cool hand on your brow when you're not well. Your Mother lives inside your laughter. And she's crystallized in every tear drop. She's the place you came from, your first home; and she's the map you follow with every step you take. She's your first loveand your first heartbreak, and nothing on earth can separate you. Not time, not space... not even death!

PASS THIS ON TO ALL THE MOTHERS & CHILDREN YOU KNOW.MAY WE NEVER TAKE OUR MOTHERS FOR GRANTED...Pass it on to the men too because they have mothers too....
Home is where your story begins

for grandparents and kids

2006-05-13T20:30:00.000-05:00

After putting her grandchildren to bed, a grandmother changed into old slacks and a droopy blouse and proceeded to wash her hair. As she heard the children getting more and more rambunctious, her patience grew thin. At last she threw a towel around her head and stormed into their room, putting them back to bed with stern warnings. As she left the room, she heard the three-year-old say with a trembling voice, "Who was THAT?"------------------------------------------------------------------
A grandmother was telling her little granddaughter what her own childhood was like: "We used to skate outside on a pond. I had a swing made from a tire; it hung from a tree in our front yard. We rode our pony. We picked wild raspberries in the woods." The little girl was wide-eyed, taking this in.At last she said, "I sure wish I'd gotten to know you sooner!"
------------------------------------------------------------------My grandson was visiting one day when he asked, "Grandma, do you know how you and God are alike?"I mentally polished my halo while I asked,"No, how are we alike?"You're both old," he replied.
------------------------------------------------------------------
A little 4 yr. old girl was diligently pounding away on her grandfather's word processor. She told him she was writing a story. "What's it about?" he asked. "I don't know," she replied. "I can't read."------------------------------------------------------------------
I didn't know if my granddaughter had learned her colors yet, so I decided to test her. I would point out something and ask what color it was. She would tell me, and always she was correct. But it was fun for me, so I continued.
At last she headed for the door, saying sagely,
"Grandma, I think you should try to figure out some of these yourself!"
------------------------------------------------------------------A Sunday school class was studying the Ten Commandments. They were ready to discuss the last one. The teacher asked if anyone could tell her what it was.Susie raised her hand, stood tall, and quoted, "Thou shall not take the covers off thy neighbor's wife,"
------------------------------------------------------------------Our five-year-old grandson couldn't wait to tell his grandfather about the movie we had watched on television, "20,000 Leagues Under the Sea." The scenes with the submarine and the giant octopus had kept him wide-eyed. In the middle of the telling, my husband interrupted, "Mark! "What caused the submarine to sink?"With a look of incredulity Mark replied, "Grampa, it was the 20,000 leaks!!"------------------------------------------------------------------
When my grandson, Billy, and I entered our vacation cabin, we kept the lights off until we were inside to keep from attracting pesky insects. Still, a few fire flies followed us in. Noticing them before I did,Billy whispered, "It's no use, Grandpa. The mosquitoes are coming after us with flashlights."

------------------------------------------------------------------When my grandson asked me how old I was, I teasingly replied, I'm not sure." "Look in your underwear, Grandma," he advised."Mine says I'm four to six."
------------------------------------------------------------------
A second grader came home from school and said to her grandmother, "Grandma, guess what? We learned how to make babies today." The grandmother, more than a little surprised, tried to keep her cool. "That's interesting," she said, "How do you make babies?" "It's simple," replied the girl. "You just change "y" to "i" and add 'es'"(What English Teacher wouldn't love that one?)----------------------------------------------------------------

Children's Logic: "Give me a sentence about a public servant," said a teacher. The small boy wrote: "The Fireman came down the ladder pregnant." The teacher took the lad aside to correct him. "Don't you know what pregnant means?" she asked."Sure," said the young boy confidently. "It means carrying a child."------------------------------------------------------------------

A nursery school teacher was delivering a station wagon full of kids home one day when a fire truck zoomed past. Sitting in the front seat of the fire truck was a Dalmatian dog. The children started discussing the dog's duties. "They use him to keep crowds back," said one youngster. "No, said another, "he's just for good luck." A third child brought the argument to a close."They use the dogs", she said firmly, "to find the fire hydrant."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
My three year old walked into the kitchen and announced she'd figured it out: "When I get older and have babies, you'll be their grandmother." I was impressed with her deductive reasoning until she went on with a glint in her eye:
"...that is if you live long enough."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Mommy Test I was out walking with my 4 year old Daughter. She picked up something off the ground and started to put it in her mouth. I took the item away from her and I asked her not to do that. "Why?" my Daughter asked. "Because it's been laying outside, you don't know where it's been, it's dirty and probably has germs" I replied. At this point, my Daughter looked at me with total admiration and asked, "Wow! How do you know all this stuff?" "Uh," I was thinking quickly, "All Moms know this stuff. It's on the Mommy Test. You have to know it, or they don't let you be a Mommy." We walked along in silence for 2 or 3 minutes, but she was evidently pondering this new information. "Oh...I get it!" she beamed, "So if you don't pass the Test you have to be the Daddy""Exactly!"

I replied back with a big smile on my face and joyin my heart. When you're finished laughing, send this to a Grandparent

2006-05-13T12:49:00.000-05:00

True Dog Story

A blind man was flying from Seattle to San Francisco. The plane had a layoverin Sacramento. The flight attendant explained that there would be a delay, and if the passengers wanted to get off the aircraft, the plane would re-board in one hour. Everybody got off the plane except one gentleman who was blind. Another man had noticed him as he walked by and could tell the gentleman was blind because his Seeing Eye dog lay quietly underneath the seatsin front of him throughout the entire flight. He could also tell he had flown this very flight before because the pilot approached him, and calling him by name, said, "Keith, we're in Sacramento for an hour,would you like to get off and stretch your legs?"The blind man replied, "No thanks, but maybe my dog would like to stretch his legs."Picture this: All the people in the gate area came to a complete standstill when they looked up and saw the pilot walk off the plane with a Seeing Eye dog! The pilot was even wearing sunglasses. People scattered. They not only tried to change planes, but they were trying to change airlines!

Have a great day and remember.... Things aren't always as they appear.

another Mother day tribute

2006-05-11T14:23:00.000-05:00

This week I will post a lot about Mothers....take the time to think of yours this weekend....good or bad....she is why you are here....( not taking anything away from Dad's...)

>>
>> This is for the mothers...
>> Who have sat up all night with sick toddlers
>> In their arms, wiping up barf laced
>> With Oscar Mayer wieners
>> And cherry Kool-Aid saying,
>>
>> "It's okay honey, Mommy's here."
>>
>> This is for the mothers...
>> Who have sat in rocking chairs
>> For hours on end soothing crying babies
>> Who can't be comforted.
>>
>> This is for all the mothers...
>> Who show up at work with spit-up
>> In their hair and milk stains
>> On their blouses and diapers in their purse.
>>
>> This is for all the mothers...
>> Who run carpools and make cookies
>> And sew Halloween costumes.
>>
>> And all the mothers who DON'T.
>>
>> This is for all the mothers...
>> Who gave birth to babies
>> They'll never see.
>> And the mothers who took those
>> Babies and gave them homes.
>>
>> This is for all the mothers...
>> Whose priceless art collections are hanging?
>> On their refrigerator doors.
>>
>> This is for all the mothers...
>> Who froze their buns on metal bleachers
>> At football or soccer games instead
>> Of watching from the warmth of their cars,
>> So that when their kids asked,
>>
>> "Did you see me, Mom?"
>> They could say...
>> "Of course, I wouldn't have missed it for the world,"
>> And mean it.
>>
>> This is for all the mothers...
>> Who yell at their kids in the grocery store
>> And Swat them in despair when
>> They stomp their feet and scream for
>> Ice cream before dinner.
>>
>> And for all the mothers who count to ten instead,
>> But realize how child abuse happens.
>>
>> This is for all the mothers...
>> Who sat down with their children and
>> Explained all about making babies.
>> And for all the (grand)mothers who wanted to,
>> But just couldn't find the words.
>>
>> This is for all the mothers...
>> Who go hungry, so their children can eat.
>>
>> For all the mothers who read
>> "Goodnight, Moon"
>> Twice a night for a year.
>> And then read it again.
>> "Just one more time "
>>
>> This is for all the mothers...
>> Who taught their children to tie their
>> Shoelaces before they started school.
>>
>> And for all the mothers
>> Who hoped for Velcro instead.
>>
>> This is for all the mothers...
>> Who taught their sons to cook
>> And their daughters to sink a jump shot.
>>
>> This is for all the mothers...
>> Whose head turns automatically
>> When a little voice calls
>> "Mom?"
>> In a crowd,
>> Even though they know
>> Their own offspring are at home
>> -- or even away at college.
>>
>> This is for all the mothers...
>> Who sent their kids to school with
>> Stomach aches assuring them they'd
>> Be just FINE once they got there,
>> Only to get calls from the school
>> Nurse an hour later asking them to
>> Please pick them up.
>> Right away.
>>
>> This is for all the mothers...
>> Whose children have gone astray,
>> Who can't find the words to reach them.
>>
>> This is for all the stepmothers who
>> Raised another woman's
>> Child or children,
>> And gave their time,
>> Attention, and love...
>> Sometimes totally unappreciated!
>>
>> For all the mothers...
>> Who bite their lips until they bleed
>> When their 14 year olds dye their hair green.
>>
>> For all the mothers of the victims
>> Of recent school shootings,
>> And the mothers of those
>> Who did the shooting.
>>
>> For the mothers of the survivors,
>> And the mother?s who sat in front of their
>> TVs in horror,
>> Hugging their child who
>> Just came home from school, safely.
>>
>> This is for all the mothers...
>> Who taught their children to be peaceful,
>> And now pray they come home safely from a war.
>>
>> What makes a good Mother anyway?
>> Is it patience?
>> Compassion?
>> Broad hips?
>>
>> The ability to nurse a baby,
>> Cook dinner, and sew a button on a shirt,
>> All at the same time?
>>
>> Or is it in her heart?
>> Is it the ache you feel when
>> You watch your son or daughter disappear
>> Down the street, walking to school
>> Alone for the very first time?
>>
>> The jolt that takes you from sleep to dread,
>> From bed to crib at 2 A.M. To put your
>> Hand on the back of a sleeping baby?
>>
>> The panic, years later, that
>> Comes again at 2 A.M.
>> When you just want to hear their key
>> In the door and know they are safe
>> Again in your home?
>> Or the need to flee from wherever
>> You are and hug your
>> Child when you hear news of a fire,
>> a car accident, a child dying?
>>
>> The emotions of motherhood are universal
>> and so our thoughts are for young mothers
>> stumbling through diaper
>> changes and sleep deprivation...
>>
>> And mature mothers learning to let go.
>> For working mothers and stay-at-home mothers.
>> Single mothers and married mothers.
>> Mothers with money mothers without.
>>
>> This is for you all.
>> For all of us.
>> Hang in there.
>>
>> In the end we can only do the best we can.
>>
>> Tell them every day that we love them.
>> And pray.
>>
>> Please pass along to all the Moms in your life.
>> "Home is what catches you when you fall "-
>> "We are all human, and we all fall."
>>
>> Please pass this to a
>> Wonderful mother you know.
>>
>> (I just did) :)
>>
>> ~Happy Mothers Day!~

This just in!

2006-05-11T14:05:00.000-05:00

I am fortunate to have many who send me funny emails, this one is from my Dad.....

Strange 911 Dispatch Calls! "BELIEVE" it or not, they are true!!Dispatcher: 9-1-1 What is your emergency?Caller: I heard what sounded like gunshots coming from the brownhouse on the corner.Dispatcher: Do you have an address?Caller: No, I have on a blouse and slacks, why?

--------------------------------Dispatcher: 9-1-1 What is your emergency?Caller: Someone broke into my house and took a bite out of my hamand cheese sandwich.Dispatcher: Excuse me?Caller: I made a ham and cheese sandwich and left it on thekitchen tableand when I came back from the bathroom, someone had taken a biteout of it.Dispatcher: Was anything else taken?Caller: No, but this has happened to me before and I'm sick andtired of it!

---------------------------------Dispatcher: 9-1-1 What is the nature of your emergency?Caller: I'm trying to reach nine eleven but my phone doesn't havean eleven on it.Dispatcher: This is nine eleven.Caller: I thought you just said it was nine-one-oneDispatcher: Yes, ma'am nine-one-one and nine-eleven are the samething.Caller: Honey, I may be old, but I'm not stupid. Do I need to call MayorPalmer on you!
Dispatcher: 9-1-1 What's the nature of your emergency?Caller: My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only twominutes apartDispatcher: Is this her first child?Caller: No, you idiot! This is her husband!
------------------------------------And the winner is.........
.Dispatcher: 9-1-1 What's the nature of your emergency?Caller: Yeah, I'm having trouble breathing. I'm all out ofbreath. Darn....I think I'm going to pass out.Dispatcher: Sir, where are you calling from?Caller: I'm at a pay phone. North and Foster.Dispatcher: Sir, an ambulance is on the way. Are you anasthmatic?Caller: NoDispatcher: What were you doing before you started having trouble breathing?
Caller: "Running from the Police!"

Phone Company

2006-05-10T08:22:00.000-05:00

JACK'S TELEPHONE NUMBER...

Blonde Caller: "Can you give me the telephone number for Jack?"

Operator: "I'm sorry, I don't understand who you are talking about".

Blonde Caller: "On page 1 section 5, of the user guide it clearly states that I need to unplug the fax machine from the AC wall socket and telephone Jack before cleaning.
Now, can you give me the number for Jack?"

Celebrate Mother's!!! Please feel free to forward, I did...

2006-05-09T13:29:00.000-05:00

Dinner and a Movie

After 21 years of marriage, my wife wanted me to take another woman out
to
dinner and a movie. She said, "I love you, but I know this other woman
loves
you and would love to spend some time with you."

The other woman that my wife wanted me to visit was my mother, who had
been
a widow for 19 years, but the demands of my work and my 3 children has
made
it possible only to visit her occasionally.

That night I called to invite her to go out for dinner and a movie.
"What's wrong, are you well?" She asked. My mother is the type of woman
who suspects that a late night call or surprise invitation is a sign of
bad news.

"I thought that it would be pleasant to spend some time with you," I
responded. Just the two of us."

She thought about it for a moment, and then said, "I would like that
very much."

That Friday after work, as I drove over to pick her up I was a bit
nervous.

When I arrived at her house, I noticed that she, too, seemed to be
nervous
about our date. She waited in the door with her coat on. She had curled
her
hair and was wearing the dress that she had worn to celebrate her last
wedding anniversary.

She smiled from a face that was as radiant as an Angel's. "I told my
friends
that I was going to go out with my son, and they were impressed," she
said,
as she got into the car. "They can't wait to hear about our meeting."

We went to a restaurant that, although not elegant, was very nice and
cozy.

My mother took my arm as if she were the First Lady. After we sat down,
I
had to read the menu. Her eyes could only read large print. Half way
through
the entries, I lifted my eyes and saw Mom sitting there staring at me.

A nostalgic smile was on her lips. "It was I who used to have to read
the
menu when you were small," she said. " Then it's time that you relax
and let
me return the favor," I responded.

During the dinner, we had an agreeable conversation-- nothing
extraordinary
but catching up on recent events of each other's life. We talked so
much
that we missed the movie. As we arrived at her house later, she said,
"I'll
go out with you again, but only if you let me invite you." I agreed.

"How was your dinner date?" Asked my wife when I got home.

"Very nice. Much more so than I could have imagined," I answered.

A few days later, my mother died of a massive heart attack. It happened
so
suddenly that I didn't have a chance to do anything for her. Some time
later, I received an envelope with a copy of a restaurant receipt from
the
same place where mother and I had dined.

An attached note said: "I paid this bill in advance. I wasn't sure that
I
could be there; but nevertheless I paid for two plates -- one for you
and
the other for your wife. You will never know what that night meant for
me."

"I love you, son."

At that moment, I understood the importance of saying in time: "I love
you,"
and to give our loved ones the time that they deserve.

Nothing in life is more important than your family. Give them the time
they
deserve, because these things cannot be put off till "some other time."

Somebody said it takes about 6 weeks to get back to normal after you've
had
a baby . . . Somebody doesn't know that once you're a mother, "normal"
is
history.

Somebody said you learn how to be a mother by instinct . .. Somebody
never
took a 3-year-old shopping.

Somebody said being a mother is boring . . . Somebody never rode in a
car
driven by a teenager with a driver's permit.

Somebody said good mothers never raise their voices . . Somebody never
came
out the back door just in time to see her child hit a golf ball through
the
neighbor's kitchen window.

Somebody said you don't need an education to be a mother . . Somebody
never helped a 4th grader with his math.

Somebody said you can't love the 5th child as much as you love the
first . .
.Somebody doesn't have 5 children.

Somebody said a mother can find all the answers to her child-rearing
questions in the books . . Somebody never had a child stuff beans up
his
nose or in his ears.

Somebody said the hardest part of being a mother is labor and delivery.
Somebody never watched her "baby" get on the bus for the 1st day of
kindergarten. Or on a plane headed for military boot camp.

Somebody said a mother can do her job with her eyes closed and one hand
tied
behind her back . Somebody never organized 7 giggling Brownies to sell
cookies.

Somebody said a mother can stop worrying after her child gets married.
.
Somebody doesn't know that marriage adds a new son- or daughter-in-law
to a
mother's heartstrings.

Somebody said a mother's job is done when her last child leaves home .
.
Somebody never had grandchildren.

Somebody said your mother knows you love her, so you don't need to tell
her
. . . Somebody isn't a mother.

Pass this along to all the "mothers" in your life.

We should also pass it on to anyone who has ever loved and/or lost a
mother.

Chocolate Math to tell your age

2006-05-09T05:21:00.000-05:00

> I get a lot of neat emails, only the best I will bring over to share.

This is not one of those waste of time things, it's fun.
>
>
>
>
>
> 1. First of all, pick the number of times a week that you would like to
> have chocolate
>
> (more than once but less than 10)
>
>
>
>
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> 2. Multiply this number by 2 (just to be bold)
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> 3. Add 5
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> 4. Multiply it by 50 -- I'll wait while you get the calculator
>
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> 5. If y ou have already had your birthday this year add 1756 ..
>
> If you haven't, add 1755.
>
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> 6. Now subtract the four digit year that you were born.
>
>
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> You should have a three digit number
>
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> The first digit of this was your original number
>
> (i.e., how many times you want to have chocolate each week).
>
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> The next two numbers are
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> YOUR AGE! (Oh YES, it is!!!!!)
>
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> THIS IS THE ONLY YEAR (2006) IT WILL EVER WORK, SO SPREAD IT AROUND
> WHILE IT LASTS.

Life Explained

2006-05-08T13:23:00.000-05:00

LIFE EXPLAINED

On the first day, God created the dog and said: "Sit all day by the door Of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. For this, I Will give you a life span of twenty years." The dog said: "That's a long time to be barking. How about only ten years And I'll give you back the other ten?" So God agreed.

On the second day, God created the monkey and said: "Entertain people, do Tricks, and make them laugh. For this, I'l give you a twenty-year life Span." The monkey said: "Monkey tricks for twenty years? That's a pretty long Time to perform. How about I give you back ten like the Dog did?" And God Agreed.

On the third day, God created the cow and said: "You must go into the Field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves And give milk to support! The far mer's family. For this, I will give you a Life span of sixty years" The cow said: "That's kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty Years, how about twenty and I'll give back the other forty?" And God Agreed again.

On the fourth day, God created man and said: "Eat, sleep, play, marry and Enjoy your life. For this, I'll give you twenty years." But man said: "Only twenty years? Could you possibly give me my twenty, The forty the cow gave back, the ten the monkey gave back, and the ten the Dog gave back; that makes eighty, okay?" "Okay," said God, "You asked for it."

So that is why the first twenty years we eat, sleep, play and enjoy Ourselves. For the next forty years, we slave in the sun to support our Family. For the next ten years, we do monkey tricks to entertain the Grandchildren. And for the last ten years we sit on the front porch and Bark at everyone.

Life has now been explained to you. Have a great day!!!

2006-05-08T13:22:00.000-05:00

Subject: Fw: Simple Home Remedies

SIMPLE HOME REMEDIES:
1. If you are choking on an ice cube, don't panic..

Simply pour a cup of boiling water down your throat

and presto. The blockage will be almost instantly removed.

2. Clumsy? Avoid cutting yourself while slicing

vegetables by getting someone else to hold them

while you chop away.

3. Avoid arguments with the little woman about

lifting the toilet seat by simply using the sink.

4. For high blood pressure sufferers: simply cut

yourself and bleed for a few minutes, thus

reducing the pressure in your veins.

Remember to use a timer.

5. A mouse trap, placed on top of your alarm clock,

will prevent you from rolling over and going back

to sleep after you hit the snooze button.

6. If you have a bad cough, take a large dose of

laxatives, then you will be afraid to cough.

7. Have a bad toothache? Smash your thumb with

a hammer and you will forget about the toothache.

Sometimes, we just need to remember what the

rules of life really are:

You only need two tools:

WD-40 and Duct Tape.

If it doesn't move and should, use the WD-40.

If it shouldn't move and does, use the duct tape.

Remember:

Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.

Never pass up an opportunity to go to the bathroom.

If you woke up breathing, congratulations!
You get another chance.

And finally, be really nice to your family and friends;

you never know when you might need them to

empty your bedpan

Aviation reading for Tramps Riverbank and all

2006-05-07T15:45:00.000-05:00

Thoughts Of Pilots
>>> No matter what else happens, fly the airplane.
>>> Forget all that stuff about thrust and drag, lift and gravity; an
>>> airplane flies because of money.
>>>
> It's better to be down here wishing you were up
>>> there, than up there wishing you were down here.
>>>
> If you're ever faced with a forced landing at
>>> night, turn on the landing lights to see the landing area. If you don't
>>> like what you see, turn' em back off.
>>>
> A check ride ought to be like a skirt, short enough to be interesting but
> still be long enough to cover everything.
>>>
> Speed is life, altitude is life insurance. No one has ever collided with
> the sky!
>>>
> Always remember you fly an airplane with your head, not your hands.
>>>
> Never let an airplane take you somewhere your brain didn't get to five
> minutes earlier.
>>>
> "Unskilled" pilots are always found in the wreckage with their hand around
> the microphone.
>>>
> If you push the stick forward, the houses get
>>> bigger; if you pull the stick back, they get smaller. (Unless you keep
>>> pulling the stick back-then they get bigger again.)
>>>
> Hovering is for pilots who love to fly but have no place to go.
>>>
> The only time you have too much fuel is when
>>> you're on fire.
>>>
> Flying is the second greatest thrill known to man. Landing is the first!
>>>
> Everyone already knows the definition of a 'good' landing is one from
> which you can walk away. But very few know the definition of a 'great'
> landing. It's one after which you can use the airplane another time.
>>>
> The probability of survival is equal to the angle of arrival.
>>>
> IFR: I Follow Roads.
>>>
> You know you've landed with the wheels up when it takes full power to
> taxi.
>>>
> Those who hoot with the owls by night should not fly with the eagles by
> day.
>>>
> A helicopter is a collection of rotating parts going round and round and
> reciprocating parts going up and down - all ofthem trying to become random
> in motion.
>>>
> Helicopters can't really fly - they're just so ugly that the earth
> immediately repels them.
>>>
> Pilots believe in clean living. They never drink whiskey from a dirty
> glass.
>>>
> Things which do you no good in aviation: Altitude above you. Runway behind
> you. Fuel in the truck. Half a second ago. Approach plates in the car.
> The airspeed you don't have.
>>>
> If God meant man to fly, He'd have given him more money.
>>>
> Flying is not dangerous; crashing is dangerous.
>>>
> A good simulator check ride is like successful surgery on a corpse.
>>>
> Asking what a pilot thinks about the FAA is like asking a tree what it
> thinks about dogs.
>>>
> Trust your captain but keep your seat belt securely fastened.
>>>
> An airplane may disappoint a good pilot, but it won't surprise him.
>>>
> pilot who relies on a terminal forecast can be sold the Brooklyn Bridge.
> If he relies on winds-aloft reports he can be sold Niagara Falls.
>>>
> The friendliest flight attendants are those on the trip home.
>>>
> Good judgment comes from experience and experience comes from bad
> judgment.
>>>
> Being an airline pilot would be great if you didn't have to go on all
> those trips.
>>>
> Aviation is not so much a profession as it is a disease.
>>>
> The nicer an airplane looks, the better it flies.
>>>
> There are three simple rules for making a smooth landing. Unfortunately,
> no one knows what they are.
>>>
> It's a good landing if you can still get the doors open.
>>>
> Passengers prefer old captains and young flight attendants.
>>>
> The only thing worse than a captain who never flew as copilot is a copilot
> who once was a captain.
>>>
> It's best to keep the pointed end going forward as much as possible.
>>>
> If an earthquake suddenly opened a fissure in a runway that caused an
> accident, the FAA would find a way to blame it on pilot error.
>>>
> Any attempt to stretch fuel is guaranteed to increase headwind.
>>>
> A thunderstorm is never as bad on the inside as it appears on the outside.
> It's worse.
>>>
> It's easy to make a small fortune in aviation. You start with a large
> fortune.
>>>
> A male pilot is a confused soul who talks about women when he's flying,
> and about flying when he's with a woman.
>>>
> A fool and his money are soon flying more airplane than he can handle.
>>>
> The last thing every pilot does before leaving the aircraft after making a
> gear up landing is to put the gear selection
> lever in the 'down' position.
>>>
> Try to keep the number of your landings equal to the number of your
> takeoffs.
>>>
> Takeoffs are optional. Landings are mandatory.
>>>
> You cannot propel yourself forward by patting yourself on the back.
>>>
>
>
>
>
> ________________________________________________________________
>
>
>

2006-05-07T03:49:00.000-05:00

Trying to wake up

Good Morning!

First time since last September I have had to be awake and functioning before 5:00 am.
Today, I open the golf course by myself for the very first time.

I am enjoying my time at the golf course, minus a few idiots who I will enjoy exposing on my blog. ( Keyboard therapy, if you will.) Knowing that I can get home and unload my troubles into a blog is good for the family budget, as well, since I have replaced my need for 'retail therapy' .

Soccer games yesterday. Why do parents ( who badly coach) think it is proper to teach their children it is okay to get physical if you are up against a better opponent? I am completely biased in my support of my children. This is the second time we have played this team that has to rely on physical tripping and elbowing to win a game. Daughter was so frustrated yesterday because the Referees were not calling the fouls. The man is question has a last name of CONTI and I will be glad to tell you he is an IDIOT......The girls are 9 and 10 yrs old. Let them learn the skills and fun of a game before you turn them into fools. This man wasn't man enough to make a name for himself in high school sports, so he has to teach his daughter that the way to win a game is by cheating. It is my hope he gets kicked out of coaching soccer, as he is the original horses ass. He talks trash to my daughters team! Can you believe an adult can't get the emotions under wrap? From previous posts, you will remember, I can swing a mean pogo stick. May have to bring it to soccer games. ( Good thing I have my blog to talk about what a fool this schmuck is.....all sports have them, and my kids are okay with facing jag off parent coaches. )I tell them to think this about this during the game: you can knock me down, but you won't keep me down. Daughter is channeling Heinz Ward and Troy Puhalmalu.....

Okay. maybe the caffeine hasn't sufficiently awoken my nice personality, and I am still under the cloud of nightmares. One more sip, and the good one will return..promise.

off to help golfers hit their balls.

2006-05-04T08:54:00.000-05:00

Women Who Read

One morning on a lake in Idaho, a husband returned after several hours of fishing and decided to take a nap.

Although not familiar with the lake, his wife decided to take the boat out. She motored out a short distance, anchored and continued to read her book.
Along came a game warden in his boat. He pulled up alongside the woman and said, "Good morning, ma'am. What are you doing?""Reading a book," she replied, thinking, isn't that obvious?
"You're in a restricted fishing area," he informed her."I'm sorry officer, but I'm not fishing; I'm reading."
"Yes, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment. I'll have to take you in and write you up."
"If you do that, I'll have to charge you with sexual assault," said the woman."But I haven't even touched you," said the gamewarden.
"That's true, but you have all the equipment.For all I know you
could start at any moment."

"Have a nice day, ma'am," and with that, he
left.

The moral? Never argue with a woman who reads.

It's likely that she can also think.

Onto the Soap box I step- my opinion at work

2006-05-03T11:49:00.000-05:00

Now onto the immigrants.
If I could afford one, I would have one.

No seriously, I am offended that someone who is here ILLEGALLY feels the need to DEMAND something of the government, (in essence, you and I), to give to the illegals.
These people who come to the USA and don't want to follow all channels that ( most) others follow, send 'em back.
It is time to be proud to be an American, and stand up for the responsibility that the position requires. I believe that they need to learn the English language, and not try to force our establishment to do things ' their way'.....If you go back to the original Ellis Island immigrants, you will see the same outrage that I feel.
Why do these new illegal immigrants feel that they are any better than those who arrived and created their own success through extreme hard work, sacrifice and dedication before them?
Letting illegals change how things are done is a slap in the face to all who have left families to come to this country and learned the language, and done very hard work, etc. before them

Off the soap box

Adults only, please- you've been warned

2006-05-03T09:32:00.000-05:00

Pharmacological humor

In Pharmacology, all drugs have 2 names, a trade name and a generic name.

For example, the trade name of Tylenol also has a generic name of
Acetaminophen. Aleve is also called Naproxen. Amoxil is also called
Amoxicillin and Advil is also called Ibuprofen.

The FDA has been looking for a generic name for Viagra. After careful
consideration by a team of government experts, it recently announced that it
has settled on the generic name of Mycoxafloppin. Also considered were
mycoxafailin, Mydixadrupin, Mydixarizin, Dixa! fix, and of course, Ibepokin.

Pfizer Corp. announced today that VIAGRA will soon be available in liquid
form, and will be marketed by Pepsi Cola as a power beverage suitable for
use as a mixer. It will now be possible for a man to literally pour himself
a stiff one.

Obviously we can no longer call this a soft drink, and it gives new meaning
to the names of "cocktails", "highballs" and just a good old-fashioned
"stiff drink". Pepsi will market the new concoction by the name of: "MOUNT
& DO".

Church Offerings

2006-05-03T05:54:00.000-05:00

I had to redeem myself after posting the same joke as : trampsriverbank- he is an excellant, entertaining writer, take the time to visit and be amused!

Give to your church One Sunday, in counting the money in the weekly offering, the pastor of a small Florida church found a pink envelope containing $1000. It happened again the next week. The following Sunday, he watched as the offering was collected and saw a little old lady put the distinctive pink envelope in the plate. This went on for weeks until the pastor, overcome by curiosity, approached her. "Ma'am, I couldn't help but notice that you put $1,000 a week in the collection plate," he stated. "Why yes," she replied, "every week my son sends me money, and I give some of it to the church." The pastor replied, "That's wonderful, how much does he send you?" The old lady said, "$10,000 a week." The pastor was amazed. "Your son is very successful; what does he do for a living?" "He is a veterinarian," she answered. "That is an honorable profession," the pastor said. "Where does he practice?" The old lady said proudly, "In Nevada. He has two cat houses. One in Las Vegas and one in Reno.

An airline customer service story

2006-05-03T05:49:00.000-05:00

This goes hand in hand with the airline story you can enjoy at : tramps riverbank

An airline's passenger cabin was being served by an obviously gay flight attendant, who seemed to put everyone into a good mood as he served them food and drinks.As the plane prepared to descend, he came swishing down the aisle and announced to the passengers, "Captain Marvin has asked me to announce that he'll be landing the big scary plane shortly, lovely people, so if you could just put up your trays that would be super."On his trip back up the aisle, he noticed that a well-dressed rather exotic looking woman hadn't moved a muscle. "Perhaps you didn't hear me over those big brute engines. I asked you to put away your trazy-poo so the main man can pitty-pat us on the ground."She calmly turned her head and said, "In my country, I am called a Princess. I take orders from no one." To which the flight attendant replied without missing a beat, "Well, sweet cheeks, in my country, I'm called a Queen, so I outrank you. Tray-up bitch."

Help! Who am I?

2006-04-28T11:34:00.000-05:00

Hello Everyone!

( all 2 of you...maybe down to one...)

I have been noticeably absent from actively posting any new items lately. Let me tell you why.

After 9/11 , many airlines fell apart, first by the mandatory stoppage of flying for the first 3 days, then by the fear of flying, compounded by the resulting high fees of jet fuel. My airline's management came right out and admitted that they had never produced a Plan B, because what the terrorists had done that day, had never been imagined...( how I wish Stephen King was on my management team...I'd still have a job). I was publicly pissed at this oversight, mainly due to the fact that this ' team' hired by the board of directors, was highly highly paid ( many millions to each of them)...I feel that if you are pulling 7 figures down, some one should be creative and have enough FORESIGHT to produce a plan for the unimagineable..... they continued on a quick trip through bankruptcy ( I guess that is what the Wharton School of Business uses a a'Plan B'.)

So here I am, 5 years later, an unemployed ( okay, I took a buy out to leave- if I had even 1% of what the board offered the imbecils who lead us into bankruptcy, I could've retired, paid off all the bills and never been heard from again.!) As it is, I saw the opportunity as the only one they would offer ( which they did) and chose to leave an industry I thrived upon.

So here I am, going through assessment testing and career counseling, to see where I will fit best into the job market, and still be as happy as I can be......they have been super dupersuccessful in dealing with me and my personality, which is changing as often as the tides. So after all this testing, to help me figure out what I want to be when I grow up, it is agreed upon, that I would challenge some very competent instructors and force them to make me a " Microsoft Office Specialist"...... ( MOS for short) Upon completion of this rigorous full time 19 week course, I will emerge with a certificate worthy of employment. ( Are you listening Lord? I am relying heavily on you, as always!)

So now, I will enter into school in July and after November, will start pounding the pavement at doors who have openings in the Human Resource department...( the area where I test the highest, being with others, go figure!) In case that all falls apart, I do have a Real Estate License for the state of PA and I will start begging people to give me their house keys in exchange for 6 % of the home sale.....fair, right? ha ha...of COURSE it's fair, I'll be a MOS, remember?

Oh the joys of the unknown....I absolutely love to dwell in the possibilities....trust me...may be the name of my new company!

Off to the golf course, to work in the Pro shop. I seem to be too old to be bartending, so I have settled for handling the money before you are in a bad mood, and not after.

Warmest regards,
future MOS

2006-04-24T19:37:00.000-05:00

What's Up, Dude?
The word "dude" is the name for an infected elephant butt hair
www.worthlessfacts.com

joke

2006-04-21T19:16:00.000-05:00

CATHOLIC PARROTS
A lady goes to her priest one day and tells him. "Father, I have a
problem. I have two female parrots, but they only know how to say
one thing." "What do they say?" the priest inquired.
They say, "Hi, we're hookers! Do you want to have some fun?"
"That's obscene!" the priest exclaimed, Then he thought for a
moment. "You know," he said, "I may have a solution to your problem. I have
two male talking parrots, which I have taught to pray and read the Bible.
Bring your two parrots over to my house, and we'll put them in the cage
with Francis and Peter. My parrots can teach your parrots to praise and
worship."Thank you," the woman responded, "this may very well be the
solution." The next day, she brought her female parrots to the priest's house.
As he ushered her in, she saw that his two male parrots were inside their
cage holding rosary beads and praying. Impressed, she walked over and
placed her parrots in with them.
After a few minutes, the female parrots cried out in unison: "Hi,we're
hookers! Do you want to have some fun?" There was stunned silence.
Shocked, one male parrot looked over at the other male parrot and
exclaimed, "Put the beads away, Frank. Our prayers have been answered!"

2006-04-21T16:32:00.000-05:00

Easter Food-

still eating hard boiled eggs......

saw a bumper sticker the other day at the elementary school my children attend.

It was: " Fat people are harder to kidnap"

2006-04-17T11:52:00.000-05:00

Subject: Reagan Wisdom!Love him or hate him but either way, you gotta love the sound bites he came up with!
WISDOM..!!"Here's my strategy on the Cold War: We win, they lose."- Ronald Reagan
"The most terrifying words in the English language are: I'm from the government and I'm here to help." - Ronald Reagan
"The trouble with our liberal friends is not that they're ignorant: It's just that they know so much that isn't so." - Ronald Reagan
"Of the four wars in my lifetime none came about because the U.S. was too strong." - Ronald Reagan
"I have wondered at times about what the Ten Commandment's would have looked like if Moses had run them through the U.S. Congress." - Ronald Reagan
"The taxpayer: That's someone who works for the federal government but doesn't have to take the civil service examination." - Ronald Reagan
"If we ever forget that we're one nation under God, then we will be a nation gone under." - Ronald Reagan
"The nearest thing to eternal life we will ever see on this earth is a government program." - Ronald Reagan
"I've laid down the law, though, to everyone from now on about anything that happens: no matter what time it is, wake me, even if it's in the middle of a Cabinet meeting." - Ronald Reagan
"It has been said that politics is the second oldest profession. I have learned that it bears a striking resemblance to the first." - Ronald Reagan
"Government's view of the economy could be summed up in a few short phrases: If it moves, tax it. If it keeps moving, regulate it. And if it stops moving, subsidize it." - Ronald Reagan
"Politics is not a bad profession. If you succeed there are many rewards, if you disgrace yourself you can always write a book." - Ronald Reagan
"No arsenal, or no weapon in the arsenals of the world, is so formidable as the will and moral courage of free men and women. - Ronald Reagan

Ode to Grandparents

2006-04-15T13:01:00.000-05:00

WHAT IS A GRANDPARENT?
(taken from papers written by a class of 8-year-olds)

Grandparents are a lady and a man who have no little children of her own. They like other people's.
A grandfather is a man grandmother.
Grandparents don't have to do anything e xcept be there when we come to see them. They are so old they shouldn't play hard or run. It is good if they drive us to the store and have lots of quarters for us.
When they take us for walks, they slow down past things like pretty leaves and caterpillars.
They show us and talk to us about the co lor of the flowers and also Why we shouldn't step on "cracks."
They don't say, "Hurry up."
Usually grandmothers are fat, but not too fat to tie your shoes.
They wear glasses and funny underwear.
They can take their teeth and gums out.
Grandparents don't have to be smart.
They have to answer questions like "why isn't God married?" and "How come dogs chase cats?".
When they read to us, they don't skip. They don't mind if we ask for the same story over again.
Everybody should try to have a grandmother, especially if you don't have television, because they are the only grown ups who like to spend time with us.
They know we should have snack-time before bedtime and they say prayers with us every time, and kiss us even when we've acted bad.
A 6 YEAR OLD WAS ASKED WHERE HIS GRANDMA LIVED. ''OH,'' HE SAID, ''SHE LIVES AT THE AIRPORT, AND WHEN WE WANT HER WE JUST GO GET HER. THEN WHEN WE'RE DONE HAVING HER VISIT, WE TAKE HER BACK TO THE AIRPORT.''

It's funny when they bend over, you hear gas leaks and they blame their dog."

Friends

2006-04-14T19:54:00.000-05:00

Out with my friend I have had the longest....her name is Sharon and she is in town from Sunny CA.....stopped by for a few hours to visit. We were here in the wrecking zone for about 1/2 minute and decided to leave and eat and drink the afternoon away. (*at our age, that's a shared lunch and 2 drinks a piece- whooppee) It is called the wrecking zone because we have purchased and installed new carpet in the play room and daughters bed room. So all that was in those 2 rooms, is now in every other room in the home.

How fun it is to spend time with friends who have known you forever. Laughs that don't have to be explained, wrinkles and fat asses, too!

Her son came in later in the day, and she missed his phone call, once again, blamed on us giggling. So back towards the airport we go, glad to get her son, and then she wants to see my kids who are at the cousins house playing. So off we go to get my kids, and the cousins stare at my friend and son like they are from California and have never seen anyone like that before. Kids need to get out more. My kids greeted them coldly because they are rude and obnoxious. But they didn't stare, because they get out more, and have actually seen people from California before. hee hee....they were pissed because the play date was ending. So back home we finally arrive, pictures taken, etc. etc. etc.

husband tries to glean information from the one source who has known me ( other than immediate family) for almost 33 years. Doesn't work, and what she does tell him is so cleaned up it could be a preview for a movie. hook line and sinker, that man. Luckily, she has big boobs, so as long as he can peek, he doesn't really hear what she is saying anyway.

As we were driving here and there and everywhere today, we noticed this car in front of us with one of my pet peeves. A personalized plate. I have nothing against personalized plates. I have a problem with people who pay money to have their ego pressed into tin, and it makes no sense. I appreciate funny! Not, not understandable. This world needs 2 things for me to survive a little longer-everyone to drive exactly like me, there would be no accidents, and for me to be in charge of okay'ing those stupid plates. A person could have an accident trying to figure out those plates. My favorite of all time ; on a nice little black BMW convertible: U2B HIS- That I can understand and find humor! It could've been U2B HRS, and I would still find it funny. Think it was a bitter break up?

AH HA HA HA.....wonder who the attorney was in that case?

So off to put the kids to bed, just wanted to share how wonderful it is to spend time with someone who has known you forever, and still likes you anyway. May everyone have a Sharon in thier lives.

Golfing

2006-04-14T09:25:00.000-05:00

Hello!

Well, it's official! I am a Golf Cart Wench and general customer service person for people who choose to spend hours swinging sticks at white balls. I am really looking forward to sharing the weather with some hopefully fun people who will enjoy my totally twisted sense of humor.

I love to make people laugh, it is the very best way to spend the day! My favorite kind of humor is when you have to think about what I just said. Don't get me wrong, drop dead obvious laughter is well and good, but the kind where it hits you later and you laugh about it long into the future is the kind of thing I aim for on a regular basis.

Time and again, I have been told by people from complete strangers to even my dentist and all in between that I should be a stand up comic. That is the total compliment to me. Have never acted on it, but you can catch glimpses of my comic on my aerobics show on local cable. (www.mca-tv.org) Not that they have any running streams on the internet, but maybe someday I can figure out how to do that with approval!

Enjoy the holiday weekend, remember the reason for the day, and find something to laugh about today and then share it with ME!

words of wisdom

2006-04-13T16:21:00.000-05:00

"We don't have inflation because the people are living too well. We have inflation because the government is living too well." —Ronald Reagan

Easter time Humor

2006-04-13T05:44:00.000-05:00

The chicken is leaning against the headboard smoking a cigarette, with a satisfied smile on it's face.

The egg, looking a bit Ticked off, grabs the sheet, rolls over, and says, "Well, I guess we finally answered THAT question."

Answers to the hard questions

2006-04-12T13:17:00.000-05:00

5 Winning Smart Aleck Answers For 2005

Smart Alick Answer #5: ( One I have personally thought 100 times, at least!)

A flight attendant was stationed at the departure gate to check tickets. As a man approached, she extended her hand for the ticket and he opened his trench coat and flashed at her. Without missing a beat....she said, "Sir, I need to see your ticket not your stub."

***************** Smart Aleck answer # 4

A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store, but she couldn't find one big enough for her family. She asked a stock boy, "Do these turkeys get any bigger?" The stock boy replied, "No ma'am, they're dead."

******************* Smart Aleck Answer #3:

The cop got out of his car and the kid who was stopped for speeding rolled down his window. "I've been waiting for you all day," the cop said. The kid replied, "Yeah, well I got here as fast as I could." When the cop finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way without a ticket.

******************* Smart Aleck Answer #2:

A truck driver was driving along on the freeway. A sign comes up that reads, "Low Bridge Ahead." Before he knows it, the bridge is right ahead of him and he gets stuck under the bridge. Cars are backed up for miles. Finally, a police car comes up. The cop gets out of his car and walks to the truck driver, puts his hands on his hips and says, "Got stuck, huh?" The truck driver says, "No, I was delivering this bridge and ran out of gas."

******************* #1 SMART ALECK ANSWER OF THE YEAR 2005.......................

A college teacher reminds her class of tomorrow's final exam. "Now class, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury or illness, or a death in your immediate family, but that's it, no other excuses whatsoever!"
A smart ass guy in the back of the room raised his hand and asked, "What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?"
The entire class is reduced to laughter and snickering. When silence was restored, the teacher smiled knowingly at the student, shaking her head and sweetly said "Well, I guess you'd have to write the exam with your other hand."

Work wanted on a golf course

2006-04-09T06:51:00.000-05:00

Hello!

Okay, if you have taken the time to read my profile, you know that I am currently, happily unemployed- I have been working steady since I was 15 ( my Dad wouldn't buy me a pair of Levi's when the Plain Pocket from Jacque Penney was just as good, so I went out and got a job to buy them myself!) ANYWAY, it's been 27 years of work....and I took a break.

Ready to head back to the force of labor- one problem, those years I spent enjoying myself in the silver tube have left me with no qualifications other than to return to the silver tube...not gonna happen! Like cops and flight attendants, both are great at their jobs, but when they go to look for something else, they are only qualified to be cops or flight attendants.

So how is this for a job? I recently put an application in at a golf course to ( hopefully) be a 'refreshment cart server'....basically I would be able to drive a golf cart and deliver drinks to the golfers.....hmmm, I think I may be qualified for THAT one.....instead of being a 'cart pusher' I will be a cart driver. And just think, I can serve that can of beer BEFORE a safety demo!.....( I could in the case of an emergency, point out that you are in the rough, or the sand trap is up 4 feet to the left!)

In the meantime, I will enroll in a school that promises I can pass the Microsoft Office Certification test. What in the world will I do with that when I am finished? Probably nothing, same as I have done with my real estate license! But it shows my kids that you can return to school at any time, and keep on trying to better yourself. Seriously, most jobs that I could be interested in require proficiency in Microsoft Office. They didn't have portable computers on the airplane, and I was too busy 'chatting' up the customers to be bothered to learn that computer stuff even if they had! So back to school I go with the hopes of finding a job that will work with the family schedule and provide a little debt relief.

In the meantime, I hope to be able to work at the golf course for the summer. Call me crazy or stupid, but I truly believe that work should be fun! I am stuck with the thought that I should be able to enjoy myself while earning a wage.

Signing off now, have to practice my golf cart driving! And find a really kick ass pair of sunglasses!

new business mergers

2006-04-09T06:50:00.000-05:00

Subject: Fwd: Mergers to watch for

Investment tips for 2006.... for all of you with any money left, be aware of the next expected mergers so that you can get in on the ground floor and make some BIG bucks.

Watch for these consolidations in 2006.

1. Hale Business Systems, Mary Kay Cosmetics, Fuller Brush, and W. R.Grace Co.
will merge and become: Hale, Mary, Fuller, Grace.

2. Polygram Records, Warner Bros., and Zesta Crackers join forces and become: Poly, Warner Cracker.

3. 3M will merge with Goodyear and become: MMMGood.

4. Zippo Manufacturing, Audi Motors, Dofasco, and Dakota Mining will merge and become: ZipAudiDoDa.

5. FedEx is expected to join its major competitor, UPS, and become: FedUP.

6. Fairchild Electronics and Honeywell Computers will become: Fairwell Honeychild.

7. Grey Poupon and Docker Pants are expected to become: Poupon Pants.

8. Knotts Berry Farm and the National Organization of Women will become: Knott NOW!

And finally

9. Victoria's Secret and Smith & Wesson will merge under the new name: Titty Titty Bang Bang

--

Whiskey Drinking Joke

2006-04-05T11:49:00.000-05:00

RISKY WHISKEYA guy in a bar approaches an attractive woman and asks, "Can I buy you a whiskey?" She thinks for a second and answers, "No, you can't. Whiskey is bad for my legs." He says, "That's a shame, do they swell?" The woman replies, "No, they open."

Great Church Humor

2006-04-05T05:30:00.000-05:00

This supposedly came from a CATHOLIC ELEMENTARY SCHOOL TEST. KIDS WERE> > ASKED QUESTIONS ABOUT THE OLD AND NEW TESTAMENTS. THE FOLLOWING> > STATEMENTS ABOUT THE BIBLE WERE WRITTEN BY CHILDREN. THEY HAVE NOT BEEN> > RETOUCHED OR CORRECTED. INCORRECT SPELLING HAS BEEN LEFT IN.> >> > 1. IN THE FIRST BOOK OF THE BIBLE, GUINESSIS. GOD GOT TIRED OF CREATING> > THE WORLD SO HE TOOK THE SABBATH OFF.> >> > 2. ADAM AND EVE WERE CREATED FROM AN APPLE TREE. NOAH'S WIFE WAS JOAN> > OF ARK. NOAH BUILT AND ARK AND THE ANIMALS CAME ON IN PEARS.> >> > 3. LOTS WIFE WAS A PILLAR OF SALT DURING THE DAY, BUT A BALL OF FIRE> > DURING THE NIGHT.> >> > 4. THE JEWS WERE A PROUD PEOPLE AND THROUGHOUT HISTORY THEY HAD> > TROUBLE WITH UNSYMPATHETIC GENITALS.> >> > 5. SAMPSON WAS A STRONGMAN WHO LET HIMSELF BE LED ASTRAY BY A JEZEBEL> > LIKE DELILAH.> >> > 6. SAMSON SLAYED THE PHILISTINES WITH THE AXE OF THE APOSTLES.> >> > 7. MOSES LED THE JEWS TO THE RED SEA WHERE THEY MADE UNLEAVENED BREAD> > WHICH IS BREAD WITHOUT ANY INGREDIENTS> >> > 8, THE EGYPTIANS WERE ALL DROWNED IN THE DESSERT. AFTERWARDS, MOSES> > WENT UP TO MOUNT CYANIDE TO GET THE TEN COMMANDMENTS.> >> > 9. THE FIRST COMMANDMENTS WAS WHEN EVE TOLD ADAM TO EAT THE APPLE.> >> > 10. THE SEVENTH COMMANDMENT IS THOU SHALT NOT ADMIT ADULTERY.> >> > 11. MOSES DIED BEFORE HE EVER REACHED CANADA. THEN JOSHUA LED THE> > HEBREWS IN THE BATTLE OF GERITOL.> >> > 12. THE GREATEST MIRICLE IN THE BIBLE IS WHEN JOSHUA TOLD HIS SON TO> > STAND STILL AND HE OBEYED HIM.> >> > 13. DAVID WAS A HEBREW KING WHO WAS SKILLED AT PLAYING THE LIAR. HE> > FOUGHT THE FINKELSTEINS, A RACE OF PEOPLE WHO LIVED IN BIBLICAL TIMES.> >> > 14. SOLOMON, ONE OF DAVIDS SONS, HAD 300 WIVES AND 700 PORCUPINES.> >> > 15. WHEN MARY HEARD SHE WAS THE MOTHER OF JESUS, SHE SANG THE MAGNA> > CARTA.> >> > 16. WHEN THE THREE WISE GUYS FROM THE EAST SIDE ARRIVED THEY FOUND> > JESUS IN THE MANAGER.> >> > 17. JESUS WAS BORN BECAUSE MARY HAD AN IMMACULATE CONTRAPTION.> >> > 18. ST. JOHN THE BLACKSMITH DUMPED WATER ON HIS HEAD.> >> > 19. JESUS ENUNCIATED THE GOLDEN RULE, WHICH SAYS TO DO UNTO OTHERS> > BEFORE THEY DO ONE TO YOU. HE ALSO EXPLAINED A MAN DOTH NOT LIVE BY> > SWEAT ALONE.> >> > 20. IT WAS A MIRICLE WHEN JESUS ROSE FROM THE DEAD AND MANAGED TO GET> > THE TOMBSTONE OFF THE ENTRANCE.> >> > 21. THE PEOPLE WHO FOLLOWED THE LORD WERE CALLED THE 12 DECIBELS.> >> > 22. THE EPISTELS WERE THE WIVES OF THE APOSTLES.> >> > 23. ONE OF THE OPPOSSUMS WAS ST. MATTHEW WHO WAS ALSO A TAXIMAN.> >> > 24. ST. PAUL CAVORTED TO CHRISTIANITY, HE PREACHED HOLY ACRIMONY WHICH> > IS ANOTHER NAME FOR MARRAIGE.> >> > 25. CHRISTIANS HAVE ONLY ONE SPOUSE. THIS IS CALLED MONOTONY.> >> >> > >

Doggy Update

2006-04-04T11:12:00.000-05:00

Hello!

Sammy continues to heal and strengthen......off the pain killers, when he can chase a squirrel, he doesn't need mediciation for the pain, so I pulled it! Last dose of antibiotics this morning.

Husband home from the Football vacation. He spoke to the owner of Dillon ( bad dog) , who has reimbursed us fully for the vet bills. He has installed a gate on the deck, added the MUZZLE-type of leash to the dog, and ALSO has on the dog a shock collar....which brings me to my question- if I am beating the dog with a metal pogo stick, and the shock collar is activated by his owner, will the electric (no, propane, you fool!) shock travel the pogo stick and get me? Husband is happy with the improvements to the Bad Dog (!), but I am not of 100% guarantee faith.
Said Bad Dog can be released through owner negligence......some one please answer my question!
Should I just be: 1) standing in a bucket of water when the beating starts or 2) always be wearing rubber soled shoes to be grounded?

Oh the confusion of the laws of electricity!

more later,
Carrie

2006-04-01T15:23:00.000-05:00

Many Thanks to TRAMP( for the help: from PICNIC )- excellant writer, don't miss him at 'tramps riverbank'

If a dog was the teacher you would learn stuff like: When loved ones come home, always run to greet them.
Never pass up the opportunity to go for a joyride. Allow the experience of fresh air and the wind in your face to be pure ecstasy. When it's in your best interest, practice obedience.
Let others know when they've invaded your territory. Take naps. Stretch before rising. Run, romp, and play daily. Thrive on attention and let people touch you. Avoid biting when a simple growl will do. On warm days, stop to lie on your back in the grass. On hot days, drink lots of water and lie under a shady tree. When you're happy, dance around and wag your entire body. No matter how often you're scolded, don't buy into the guilt thing and pout..run right back and make friends. Delight in the simple joy of a long walk. Eat with gusto and enthusiasm. Stop when you have had enough. Be loyal. Never pretend to be something you're not. If what you want lies buried, dig until you find it. When someone is having a bad day, be silent, sit close by and nuzzle them gently.
I wasn't born to follow.....

Soccer games in full swing

2006-04-01T10:42:00.000-05:00

Good Morning All...( 2 of you, I am being hopeful)

Soccer is in full 'kick'...daughter just finished her indoor game ( they won) and now I have son and daughter playing at 2 different fields at the same time, husband is vacationing in Wisconsin ( University of) - he calls it work because it is football spring training, I call it a beer drinking, telling jokes, watching some football film, watching football practice, dont forget the final four starts tonight, VACATION.... could I be wrong?

Found the receipt for his new fishing license. In the state of PA it costs $41 to throw a line in the water with a hook on it.....doesn't matter if you catch a fish or not, why don't they wait until the end of the season and charge by what you caught, instead of in the beginning and charging for what you aren't going to catch? Last time I checked, I wasn't married to a Pro Fisherman......speaking of fantasy husbands....* there goes that mind of mine again, be right back, have to catch it*....It would be Ty Pennington, to fix my home, Brett Favre to play football with my son, Bill Gates to afford my daughters CD's that she wants to always buy, someone who is gay to decorate my home and Emirel Lagassi to cook our dinner......dreamy list, isn't it? ha ha...at least I have one good laugh for the day!

Enjoy your weekend,

ps- does any one know how I can paste a joke from my email into my blog>?

Sammy is healing, Thank you Lord!

2006-03-29T12:56:00.000-05:00

Hello!

My Sammy is home with us from the vets, a little sore, a lot bald, and resting comfortably. Prayers do work!

He has 8 deep puntures, and severe hematomas that may need to have a drain placed in them if they don't dissolve on their own. He is being walked when he wants, and pampered 1100% of the time!

Kids are healing as they see their dog get better. I had to ask friends to have my kids come to their homes and play today, as my yard still frightens them quite a lot.

Owners of the dog came yesterday with a bag of treats for him, and profuse apologies again. When he asked what more could they do, besides pay for all the vet bills, I requested that the dog be muzzled when it would be taken outside for any reason. They hestitated and don't want to muzzle to dog. I believe I am being reasonable in my request.

Then he proceeded to invite my kids to MEET DILLON ( said bad m-fuing dog) to show my kids they should not be afraid. Well, he should be afraid of me and my pogo stick for such an assanine request......I remained calm and said " you are crazy if you think my kids will look at your dog any other way then the way he entered our yard and what he did to their pet...what the hell- should I put the 2 dogs and kids together for a flipping Christmas card?

More later, as a play date is ending,and I have to go retrieve my son....
thanks for the love and prayers through the trauma.....

dog lovers do not read

2006-03-27T20:40:00.000-05:00

Beautiful weather today....kids out in the front yard playing with other kids, family dog ( Sammy) in front playing with kids....I am making dinner, husband on phone and looking out the front window watching the kids......all of a sudden SCREAMING....I run from the kitchen to see my husband trying to pry a f------ pit bull of my dog. ( Sammy weighs in sopping wet at 35 #'s) I run out adding my own screaming to the mix- yelling about whose dog this is, and for the kids to run into the garage and into the house......my husband picks up a whiffle ball bat and starts beating on the pit bull ( a mix we find out later....) I know instictively this plastic bat is't gonna do diddley...so I run to a corner of my front yard and grab my daughter's metal pogo stick....at one point I remember thinking 'this is really a stupid move', but knew my kids were in the house, and I put my self on top of the dogs trying in vain to separate them. My 74 yr old father comes flying out of the house and is trying to get a hold of the pit bull ( mix, sorry!) neck to break it.....I am stabbing the dog and batting the dog with the pogo stick, and unfortunately hit my dad's hand so hard it split open...( never piss me off or attack one of my kids- there is the lesson, dammit!) Husband is hitting the dog in the butt- me? I am aiming for the head and eyes with the damn pedals on the pogo- screw the handle part, I am going for pain! Before all and God, if I would've had a gun handy, that pit bull ( mix...) would've been a history lesson. For whatever reason, the damn dog finally gets pried off by my father, sits down and looks at us, like ' what is going on? I want to play!' more screaming as I wrestle my squealing dog into the house followed by my husband and father. My kids are in damn hysterics, literally, and I am just adrenalin overload as well as father and husband. My Mother ( who has the start of Alzheimers) is confused about the screaming and crying and Sammy's squeals of pain, as well as my father's blood, which is everywhere! Police are called, neighbor comes to claim his dog, apologizes profusely, says " he has never done this before, he is a pit bull mix and he loves kids....( to eat???)" I want the dog to be taken away and out of the neighborhood.....husband talks to the police ( who agree with me, actually police man was ready to kill first and ask questions later)....longer story short, no charges are being pressed, Sammy ( thank God)is not bleeding, just very very sore and in shock....pit bull mix is on the record of having a vicious attack and the ownerwill not get a chance if a second complaintcomes in. ( dead, no questions asked)I have issues that my husband let the guy go with an apology and the promise to pay all vet bills. Not enough for me....I want the dog out of my kid filled ( and dog filled) neighbor hood immediately or at the VERY least, a fence built around his home so the dog has a harder time leaving the yard. ( he got loose out of the front door.) This dog lives on the same side of the street as us, and we have to pass the house on the way to my kids bus stop/ I will be carrying mace from now on.....maybe a sharpened arrow as well! My kids are still very terrorized by the fact that they were in their OWN YARD and a dog came in and attacked my dog.........Please add comments, but only if you agree with me....if you think that pit bull mix has the right to get loose and attack another dog, who is in their own yard, go blow....or better yet, come visit me, I have a pogo stick with your name on it...You'll know you are at the right place by the fence around my property. Foot note, my father is fine, huge bandage, no broken bones.....guy was telling the cop his dog got injured and had blood on him ( the dog) Cop tells him- yeah, he got hit with a pogo stick a few times, you're lucky she didn't kill him! Cop assures it would've been justified. Calm children and parents, i am drinking wine intrevenously......

sorry if my comments have offended any, I love my family which includes pets, and I wouldn't change a thing about how I handled myself, except for the hit to father's hand....have to practice my swing. I am also a responsible pet owner, and if that had been my dog attacking another dog in a yard , I would personally have taken Sammy to the vet and said my goodbyes. A dog who gets loose and attacks a dog doesn't belong in a neighborhood-it needs to be either dead or on lots of property away from irratants.

2nd day of spring

2006-03-22T07:37:00.000-05:00

Where is the warm weather? I have been patiently waiting for 48 hours, now. Last year I was able to go to Phoenix and Las Vegas on a weekly basis during the months of January an February and March...this being stuck in the 'moon' SUCKS....

here is a great Maxine- ' When the neighbors play music too loud, I dance naked. Shuts em down pretty quick.

I was at a friends this weekend- her husband and 10 yr old were AWOL from the house- when they came back in I asked where they were- " shooting an oozie"....seriously, someone had BORROWED one and they were out target shooting..... other son was at a paint ball competition.
I think I know where the next defense and protection of the good old US of A is located. Still scratching my head at being able to 'borrow' and oozie...do the drug lords know that their gun is missing?

oh, the ramblings continue

2006-03-20T11:43:00.000-05:00

here's another random thought......you can't fix stupid.........hell, somedays it's even hard to ignore stupidity. In another life may I be more patient with stupid people and hope to never run into another who thinks ' stupid is cute'....have a great day surrounded by people who appreciate your brains......

2006-03-18T07:13:00.000-05:00

Hello again,

the home has survived day 2 of March Madness- husband took off of work to be home so as not to miss a basket. Wonder why he can't take a day off to do a 'honey do' project? Bet when the boat is ready for h-2-0 he'll be back on the absentee list. Oh I defer......

house full of kids and corned beef and cabbage- thanks to Paula Dean of the Food Network for the 'fool proof ' recipe- it really was as easy as could be- for something to motivate me to go to the store, buy the ingredients, and then invite ( his) friends to stop over for dinner and basketball( and the gas it produces) has to be an easy thing! Don't worry parents, the kids were fed nutritious cheese pizza. A house full of laughing little leprechauns is a good thing on St. Patrick's Day.

Today- more basketball- though this game is live and in person. Daughter has a wonderful friend with even better parents, who have invited us to sit in their 'box(?)' seats for the PITT girls game this afternoon. Then we will head to the strip as a family and hang out in the shopping mecca. ( that is what the 'strip' is- a shopping district in duntun ( phonetics for the Pittsburghese, please) Pittsburgh.

Next week my parents will arrive- 12 hour drive - for my Mom's 76th ( trombones, please) birthday. I have been talking to her everyday ( and crying less)- she is an awesome person, who is pissed at having Alzheimers, but won't let it ruin her day. May the world have more like her.
I tell her it is better than being hit by a truck!

So that is the blog- let me leave you with another Maxine-"don't let your mind wander- it's too little to be left on it's own....." words to live by......hee hee

and one from me: " Don't get caught up in the 'coulda,woulda;shouldas' or you'll waste another day!

another thought for the day

2006-03-15T20:09:00.000-05:00

Hedonism- it's a good thing!

Best of Maxine

2006-03-15T08:35:00.000-05:00

I Love Maxine!!! ( the Hallmark card lady) I will be Maxine when I am old enough to join the Red Hat society...So when I do not have really interesting things to add, I will just post a 'maxine'

here goes: " Don't believe everything you think"- Maxine

Football has invaded my home

2006-03-14T09:40:00.000-05:00

Hello again!

Well, son's final 6th birthday celebration wrapped up last night at great grandma's house. Football again the theme, with the Steeler DVD ( a second, so he will return one and continue shopping.....) and more football helmets, he now owns all of the NFL helmets, can tell you the quarterback and favorite receiver on each team, blah blah blah, he really is an amazing kid/man....now Uncle (also a football coach) has started him on College football helmets....HELP!!

I need decorating ideas for his room.

His sister needs ideas for her room- she is all about drama, singing, and music, and sports.....although truth be told, she is one hell of a tough athlete. Not much makes her cry- throw her against the boards in indoor soccer and you'll see one determined chick bounce right back off and smile at you as she roars down the field! First girl to get a foul called on her in her indoor basketball team. Take her off the field, and she is ALL girl, though!

I also have been wasting my creative time trying to decide on what project to start for beaded jewelry. If anyone has any good places to get great beads at an affordable price, send me the link. THANKS

For those of you who also have parents or other loved ones living with Alzheimers, my Dad sent me a link to www.alzonline.net

Check it out.

Let me now return to my creative daydreaming interrupted by short bursts of cleaning.......

Son's birthday celebration

2006-03-12T17:54:00.000-05:00

Back from my son's birthday weekend- place to go I believe was planted by my husband. My son will be 6 on March 13th. So where did we go and what did we do?

My son is a football fan to the extreme. The Steeler's are his hometown favorite, but he also has an open enough mind to appreciate talent from other divisions. He will talk your ear off about football given the chance.

So off we went last night to spend the night in a hotel, because he only had 2 requests for his birthday- to go swimming and to go to the Football Hall of Fame. Our son has never had the extreme parties his sister has had, so he was due.

The BIG surprise of the evening was my husband's friend coming to dinner- well, maybe in the kids eyes it is more of what he drove than him actually participating in dinner ....he showed up in a Cadillac Escalade LIMOSENE.....awesome delight to my children! My daughter looked a little too comfortable in her surroundings, so we had the 'talk' about study hard, work at something you love, and someday you will be able to AFFORD this same treat for your children....( I can see her wanting to hit us up in September for the same treat...)

So the evening ended with MORE swimming, beer for the parents, etc.....Morning started the same way ( sans beer drinking) and then off to the Hall of Fame. If you are ever interested in football, this is the place to be. I had wanted to be dropped off to shop instead of suffering through the place, and even I, enjoyed the experience. Highly recommended. Print the coupon off the internet....save $1.50 each on admission.( I think the website is football hall of fame or something similar.)

The son was extremely excited the entire time, the daughter hung with them, and threw the ball with great accuracy. I was busy taking pictures and looking at Packer memorabilia......

easy drive home because I had the MP3 player and the kids fell asleep almost instantly, after a nutritious lunch at McDonald's. Don't forget the shamrock shake!

That's all for now,

warm regards from the Moon.

Hello from the Moon Connection

2006-03-09T14:39:00.000-05:00

Hello to all....
and welcome aboard!

I am brand new to this blog stuff, but have lots of opinions and ideas I need to get out of my brain and onto a page. I hope most of the time you are amused by what I write, and at NO time would I EVER intentionally hurt someones feelings.
So on with the show......

I have left the airline business after 18 years, and am trying to figure out what I want to be when I grow up. I am married to a math teacher who is also a High School Football coach. My 2 kids are a daily enjoyment and test of my patience. Some days I even make it to 10 pm before my first drink! ( that is supposed to be funny). As football season gets closer and more involved my sarcasm will increase.

And oh yeah, I just found out yesterday my Mother has Alzheimer's Disease.

I look forward to reading all the posts and comments, but I can't promise daily drivel and thought provoking testimonies.....after all, I just spent the last 18 years as a professional greeter and cart pusher..... ha ha